Feeling irrelevant

amother

Brown

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:26 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

It always baffles me that some people are so oblivious they can't imagine this could be a manipulative Ima.
How do you think manipulative Imas would write on here?
They are always the sweet unfortunate victims.
Do you think they would write about their negative behavior willingly?
It always is just something you can tell between the lines.

I completely agree!! I wish I had true support and understanding from my mother. It would mean the world to me if she would really care about my feelings and appreciate how much im putting into my dh and dc and truly support me in that instead of pressuring me to do what she wants. I love her and know she does her best but the pressure makes it so hard to have a close relationship.

Zehava

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:37 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

Yep

Zehava

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:43 pm

I might be viewed as masochistic, I probably am to a certain extent at times. But I guess you’ve got to be somewhat masochistic to speak truth to power.
Something in me cannot allow these posts to go unchallenged. I don’t want even one person reading this, hearing her mother’s voice in the op, and seeing her get all of that sympathy without anyone catching on. It can be really triggering.

Coffee beanz

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:45 pm

Zehava wrote:

I agree and really appreciate what you do!

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:46 pm

Zehava wrote:

But why can't you bring out your point in a nice way? Why must it be so harsh? You can't decide for certain that OP is abusive based on the details she gave, it's not fair.

Zehava

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:48 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

But why can't you bring out your point in a nice way? Why must it be so harsh? You can't decide for certain that OP is abusive based on the details she gave, it's not fair.

Oh this is me being nice and very factual. I mostly just echoed statements that she herself made.
And honestly, labeling a child of any age is gaslighting and emotional abuse

amother

Olive

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:51 pm

Zehava wrote:

I hear both sides and I don't think it's so simple.

I am the same with my mother, no close relationship, she's always been very critical of me, I feel very hurt by the way she treated me as a child, etc. I can picture her being the OP except I'm married much longer than that.

But now that I have big girls myself, I see it from the other side and how hard it is to be that perfect mother. We can feel like victims too sometimes, our kids can sometimes be selfish, and it hurts.

I agree that OP shouldn't see her daughter as selfish and should be more encouraging and give her space. I would vote more on the side that probably, the relationship didn't become like this overnight, and probably her daughter doesn't feel comfortable with her for a reason. But I do hear the other side, about how hard it is to bite your tongue especially when you invest so much in your daughters and they seem to throw it back in your face sometimes.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:53 pm

Zehava wrote:

Oh this is me being nice and very factual. I mostly just echoed statements that she herself made.
And honestly, labeling a child of any age is gaslighting and emotional abuse

I don't call that being nice. That was mean. You can being factual nicely.

Simple1

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:54 pm

Zehava wrote:

But there was so much excellent advice on this thread that was accomplished without passing judgment on the OP one way or another.

Zehava

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:55 pm

Simple1 wrote:

But there was so much excellent advice on this thread that was accomplished without passing judgment on the OP one way or another.

My aim wasn’t to give advice. I don’t for one second think that advice will accomplish anything.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 8:58 pm

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

It's possible she is selfish lol. Oh wait I forgot, not on Imamother! On Imamother daughters have no problems, ever. It's just this terrible abusive narcissistic controlling helicoptor parenting *mother* that's the problem. Ew, mothers.

If mothers can be selfish, then daughters can as well, since every mother is a daughter.
BUT - Though a child may have selfish behaviors, you do not call your child selfish. Anyone can be pained by their children’s behavior. But while some mothers will share their pain, others will name-call. And once you name-call, it casts doubt upon everything.

ETA: you do not name-call your child anything. But the reason why “selfish” carries a lot more weight is because when a mother calls their child selfish, it usually implies that their child is withholding from them -the parent - something that the parent expects and the child is obligated to provide. For if the child weren’t obligated to provide their parent with that, they wouldn’t be selfish for not giving it. Hence, one who calls their child selfish for not giving them their expectations, clearly says more about the parent’s faults than it does about the child’s.

Zehava

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 9:01 pm

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

Only those daughters will only display that selfish behavior towards their own kids while still being at their mothers beck and call. I see it way too much.
In some cases the grandmother then gets to abuse and manipulate two generations.

locked until this thread can be cleaned up