S/O Abusive Parenting

amother

Orange

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 11:58 pm

The another’s who said they were abused, I’m always wondering what that means. Did your parents hit you even when you were older? hurt you? Did you ever fight back.
I’m sorry if it’s hurtful, and you can ignore me butI see it so much here and I don’t fully understand

amother

Ecru

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 12:12 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

I can only speak from my personal experience. Both of my parents used to hit me but stopped when I was around 11 years old. My parents used to yell at me and put me down quite often until I got married to my dh (now ex-dh).

amother

Wine

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 12:46 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

How do you not know what abuse is in this day and age?
I don't understand your question.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 1:14 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

It's actually a good question. It's hard to draw the line between imperfect/controversial parenting and actual abuse.

A child should grow up in a safe, stable environment where their physical, emotional, and educational needs are met, and they are not living in fear of being hurt - be it physically, zexually, or emotionally.

The most common kind of abuse is probably emotional, partly because it can be almost invisible. If a child has all his physical needs met, but he is barely shown love, or his feelings are never validated, there will be serious damage to his psyche.

I wasn't hit much, and the few times I was I wouldn't consider abusive. Just good old 90s parenting. For me the abuse was mostly neglect and instability. Barely ever having proper clothes, crazy homemade haircuts, not always having a school go to. My mother had scary temper "tantrums" and unstable erratic personality...

amother

Mustard

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 4:29 am

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

You are right. I am deeply traumatized by that thread and the way I was taken apart and crucified by a bunch of underloved posters. So I am triggered by this reference.

Your daughter is going to be one of those underloved posters one day.

Stop trying to blame all this on everyone else including your daughter and other posters. Maybe the fact that so many people responded strongly means actually there is something you need to change or think about??? There's the story of a guy calling his wife and saying, "its so strange I'm on the highway and everyone is driving the wrong way except for me..."

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 6:43 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

I'm sure everyone is different. Different parents different personalities. I have an 18 year old sister who my mother probably still hits daily. This sister is not a pushover like I was. She is very tough and knows how to stick up for herself and be assertive, but would never do it with our mother. The fear is too great. I don't know how to explain that fear to someone who has never felt it, but when you're 18 and your mother has such kaas over things most people would not even find problematic that she can hit you to blood, even if a rare occurrence, no matter how tough you are, if you have half a brain you don't fight back. And yes, my parents hurt me in ways I didn't begin to understand until adulthood. That aside, my mother doesn't have a victim mentality BH and I feel like kids who grow up with parents who are always victims have it much harder because you can deal with being beaten but it's harder to deal with the emotional chaos of parents who are victims in my opinion.

amother

Rose

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 6:58 am

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

She needs to move out, stat.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 7:00 am

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

She needs to move out, stat.

She's getting married soon anyways. That's how we all move on from this lol. She's fine. I was just trying to explain how not fighting back is just the way it is because of how you're raised from childhood.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Feb 08 2021, 7:30 am

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

I was never hit.
I was emotionally abused and psychologically manipulated. I lived in fear. My fight/flight was always turned on. There was no emotional security, support, or unconditional love. Nothing I ever did/do was good enough. I was/am gaslit to the point that I doubt my own sanity. There’s no such thing as fighting back because you grow up thinking that it’s normal and that you’re the bad guy.
But hit? Never.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 4:26 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Yes yes yes.

amother

Gold

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 4:43 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

I've talked about this issue with my therapist and she says the awareness is what makes the difference, that you are aware of the issue and recognize that it is YOUR issue, not your child's, and you are actively taking steps to fix YOUR issue while acknowledging the pain your issue is causing your child.

And what about the damage done to the kid? Even when we work on ourselves the journey comes at their expense, so we’re trying to break cycles but it takes a while and meanwhile damage is being or has been done 😥

amother

Rose

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 4:48 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I mentioned that to her. She says that so long as we are aware of it and working on ourselves, and we're not doing this long-term, it isn't ideal but it isn't horrible. Because we are aware and working we are also trying to support our children and once we are in a better place we will be able to repair some of the damage and support them when they need it. Because we are aware we usually do less harm than was done to us and our awareness helps our children realize that it is not them. And also in general we are okay parents, who sometimes slip up, which is different than thinking that the slipping up is normal and okay. As long as we give our kids their basic needs we have more leeway than we think.

amother

Babypink

Tue, Mar 02 2021, 9:57 pm

amother Lime wrote:

I wonder how people who are obviously so well-versed in emotional health don't recognize the damage they inflict on other people.

Zehava wrote:

That my friends is gaslighting

Variation. How can a girl who thinks she's so frum care so little about kibud av v'aim?

Ridiculous.