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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
If your parents are abusive (re: siblings)
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 2:57 pm
Were you ever able to help your younger siblings in any way or get your parents to take medications? How do you cope knowing there is so much abuse going on still with your younger siblings?
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:00 pm
No. Tragically, it’s not my job, and I know that things will backfire. So I pretend everything is normal and daven that my siblings become aware of the abuse and heal completely.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:01 pm
amother [ Navy ] wrote:
No. Tragically, it’s not my job, and I know that things will backfire. So I pretend everything is normal and daven that my siblings become aware of the abuse and heal completely.


Well said. I’m in the same boat
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:03 pm
So you're able to tune out terrible physical abuse? Did you ever try to talk to teachers so they won't call parents about things they don't realize they will overreact over and totally beat the child for? What do you do if they talk to you about it? Just say you are sorry?
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amother
Brown


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:05 pm
My dh was in this situation. I think his brother called the police on his parents once and they came to the house but did nothing. They all told their teachers who told their rav. Unfortunately, it didn't do much because people have misplaced sympathies and misplaced Dan lkaf zechus. Saddest thing ever. Everyone is always worried about human rights but where are children's rights? There don't seem to be any in these situations. Crying Crying
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:11 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So you're able to tune out terrible physical abuse? Did you ever try to talk to teachers so they won't call parents about things they don't realize they will overreact over and totally beat the child for? What do you do if they talk to you about it? Just say you are sorry?


I can’t tune it out because it’s impossible to. I just have to keep reminding myself that I just can’t do anything about it, and if I was able to escape, so can they. Hopefully. It’s so painful to witness.
My parents aren’t physically abusive, so my situation is a bit different. That’s so so hard what you’re [gentile] no through. I probably would contact the teacher in your case, but I can’t say for sure.
Most of my siblings are too young to realize the abuse. One of my siblings is basically caught up, but with some confusion, and another sibling is starting to catch on. They do come to me with confused questions, and I do my best to help them without letting it backfire. Most of my siblings turn to me for advice in general, anyway, because they know that my parents give the worst advice and can’t keep a secret. Random things like friend issues, or how to approach a teacher, or dating advice. So I have hope that one day they’ll ask me for advice pertaining to the abuse.
The only times I’ll mention something is when my parents bully a sibling, like for example calling my sister ugly or my brother stupid, I’ll go over privately and tell that they’re beautiful and smart. But that’s it. Nothing bad about my parents.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:15 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So you're able to tune out terrible physical abuse? Did you ever try to talk to teachers so they won't call parents about things they don't realize they will overreact over and totally beat the child for? What do you do if they talk to you about it? Just say you are sorry?


I can only answer for myself.
I’m not able to tune it out at all. I work very hard on myself to detach bec the situation is out of my hands. When I do stop and think about My siblings future it really hurts. But unfortunately there really is nothing I can do. Whatever I will try has and will only make things worse.
They don’t talk to me about it because they’re actually not allowed to talk to me. So I don’t get to hear it from them. I see it and hear about it other ways. I don’t want to give myself away so I’m being vague.

Do I think my siblings will ever be normal as a result of their upbringing? No. Do I think they know what a normal family looks like? No. Do I think they realize how much I care and how many things I’ve tried and tears I shed? No.

It’s a really hard place to be in and it requires a ton of emunah and letting go. Hashem has a plan I don’t understand it but I’m leaving it in his hands.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:17 pm
It's so so hard. My heart breaks for them.

I try not to think about it cuz there's nothing we can do. Crying Crying Crying
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honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:19 pm
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
It's so so hard. My heart breaks for them.

I try not to think about it cuz there's nothing we can do. Crying Crying Crying


You can pray. And keep an open door for them. Hug
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amother
Lime


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Were you ever able to help your younger siblings in any way or get your parents to take medications? How do you cope knowing there is so much abuse going on still with your younger siblings?


I know of a family in this situation. The siblings helped and are easier able to because they blocked all communication with the abusive parent.

They still suffer for example, the abusive parent contacted siblings boss and made sibling look like a fraud. But that sibling still sometimes does things to help.

Some ways they helped is by giving money and items to the children to make their lives better. Taking them on short and longer vacations even if the abusive parent didn't let, though sometimes the parent blocks it. Giving the child their hidden cell number to call in emergencies. Finding time to shmooze with them and listen and validate their frustrations and hurts. Helping them nurture friendships by offering their home or taking the friends to a restaurant. Helping the siblings figure out how the have the smoothest ride around the abuser.. getting them a therapist even if the abuser doesn't know about it.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:40 pm
I try not to go over there because the toxicity affects me for days after.
I do stick up for my siblings when I can but I try to do it as gently as possible because otherwise it backfires horribly.
We talk about it between the married kids but I have never mentioned anything to the kids in the house outright.
I try to compensate by giving them a lot of attention when I am over. It doesn't happen often because we no longer live in the same city. I don't have room to host them so that doesn't happen very often either.
I hope they should not be affected by it and that they should not be abusive parents themselves eventually.
Although some of my siblings do act like bullies sometimes or have anger management issues, so far it's seems they reserve it for non family.
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hello3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:54 pm
I cannot speak for myself as Bh my parents weren’t abusive. But I did have a neighbor who was beyond abusive. They had six kids and the screaming and crying that used to come of that house was heart breaking. When the father broke his sons arm, he was arrested but shortly after released. At a certain point he tried setting his house on fire to get a different neighbor into trouble. He was a real maniac.
When his second to oldest was in 10th grade, she ran off. She went into the foster care system and built her life. Got married and had five children. She fought tooth and nail for her siblings who eventually got taken out of the house. Years and years later, my sister ran into her in a maternity ward.(both had babies) she asked my sister straight up how is it that everyone knew how crazy her father was but no one did a thing about it. My sister tried explaining to her that it wasn’t simple to get involved. That didn’t satisfy her. She said you can’t imagine the levels of abuse they suffered and it took her years to help her siblings but she did it.

I don’t know what the case is by you, but sometimes, an older sibling can save the lives of the younger ones.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 3:55 pm
I keep an open door. It’s all I can do.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 4:01 pm
hello3 wrote:
I cannot speak for myself as Bh my parents weren’t abusive. But I did have a neighbor who was beyond abusive. They had six kids and the screaming and crying that used to come of that house was heart breaking. When the father broke his sons arm, he was arrested but shortly after released. At a certain point he tried setting his house on fire to get a different neighbor into trouble. He was a real maniac.
When his second to oldest was in 10th grade, she ran off. She went into the foster care system and built her life. Got married and had five children. She fought tooth and nail for her siblings who eventually got taken out of the house. Years and years later, my sister ran into her in a maternity ward.(both had babies) she asked my sister straight up how is it that everyone knew how crazy her father was but no one did a thing about it. My sister tried explaining to her that it wasn’t simple to get involved. That didn’t satisfy her. She said you can’t imagine the levels of abuse they suffered and it took her years to help her siblings but she did it.

I don’t know what the case is by you, but sometimes, an older sibling can save the lives of the younger ones.


When the abuse is clear cut and you are able to call the police, and have the ability to take the children into your home, so they don't get lost in foster care, it can be done.
When it is verbally and emotional abuse it is very hard to help out, since it is not enough for child protection to get involved, and usually the parents cut off or badmouth the sibling tryin to help.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 6:01 pm
I convinced my parents to let me leave when was 16 and ended up boarding in NY. A year and a half later I convinced my sister to run away and stay where I was staying. (Because there's no way she would've gotten permission)

And years later my brother "kidnapped" my little brother who was had been living alone with my parents for years.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 7:54 pm
I “kidnapped” my younger brother who was horribly abused. I tried to help him for years, speak to his teachers principals, to people who are supposedly involved in helping such cases, until Hashem helped me and I miraculously got him out. There wasn’t anything I could do myself, I just prayed and prayed and Hashem suddenly helped me.
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NotLazySusan




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 8:24 pm
This is probably the most painful topic for me
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womanwithaplan




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 8:40 pm
I have a neighbor who is clearly abusing his kids. I do not want to be a silent witness to their pain, but am lost as to whom to contact about this??

I've heard too much about Rabbanim not doing anything or even making matters worse. And the school is known to take a stance of not getting involved. Any ideas on how to help these poor kids?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 8:46 pm
womanwithaplan wrote:
I have a neighbor who is clearly abusing his kids. I do not want to be a silent witness to their pain, but am lost as to whom to contact about this??

I've heard too much about Rabbanim not doing anything or even making matters worse. And the school is known to take a stance of not getting involved. Any ideas on how to help these poor kids?


You can contact CPS if there is being physical or s-xual abuse.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 8:47 pm
womanwithaplan wrote:
I have a neighbor who is clearly abusing his kids. I do not want to be a silent witness to their pain, but am lost as to whom to contact about this??

I've heard too much about Rabbanim not doing anything or even making matters worse. And the school is known to take a stance of not getting involved. Any ideas on how to help these poor kids?


Why don’t you call the police?
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