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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
My daughter is the only one not going to seminary
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 7:08 pm
My daughter applied to 2 sems and got in both.
Her whole class and grade are going. Even the ones that were rejected or put on a waiting list said they will go even to a sem that isn't their choice because they all want to go to E"Y.
We don't have a money for it. Even with scholarships we don't have it.
My daughter kind of knows she can't go but what could I do to make it up to her
Yes I know she isn't entitled to anything she isn't my first daughter. A couple of my daughters went and some didn't.
Also my son is hoping to go to yeshiva in E"y which costs much less.
How could I send my son and not my daughter?
I don't know what to do.
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stillnewlywed




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 7:11 pm
Can you send her to sem in the US? Why did she apply to sem in EY if you can't afford to send her?
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 7:31 pm
Can she earn some of the money doing summer jobs? In any case I didn’t go to seminary (I wasn’t interested and in my circles it isn’t expected and none of my sibs went) and I turned out alright. I somehow got a job teaching in a prestigious high school (which is a story in itself) And after that I got a professional degree which I am using in my current workplace
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 7:45 pm
New seminaries are more open to giving out scholarship, can she try those?
Does she have any money saved up? my dd just paid $2000 deposit out of her saving account! She will be working until she leaves!
Are you eligible for FAFSA by applying to a college like TTI?
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 8:01 pm
As almost everyone on Imamother knows by now, I am a strident opponent of the "but everyone is going to seminary" mentality.

However, you've left this way, way too late to pull the plug now. You're going to have to find a way, IMHO. I have friends who took extra job, took out credit cards, or took out loans from gemachs or gevirim.

Please resolve in the future to be honest with your children sooner rather than later.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 8:05 pm
You can get a lot of the price covered through TTI and she'll be left with credits for the year, too.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 8:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My daughter applied to 2 sems and got in both.
Her whole class and grade are going. Even the ones that were rejected or put on a waiting list said they will go even to a sem that isn't their choice because they all want to go to E"Y.
We don't have a money for it. Even with scholarships we don't have it.
My daughter kind of knows she can't go but what could I do to make it up to her
Yes I know she isn't entitled to anything she isn't my first daughter. A couple of my daughters went and some didn't.
Also my son is hoping to go to yeshiva in E"y which costs much less.
How could I send my son and not my daughter?
I don't know what to do.


Yeah, it's kind of mean to send your son and not your daughter. That definitely sends a message, even though I understand where you're coming from.
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estherj




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 8:31 pm
Assuming you are in the US, you will be getting substantial stimulus funds in the next few weeks. Can that be put toward seminary? Have your Rav try to call the seminaries to see if there is some additional flexibility. Have your daughter take out a 0% apr credit card under her own name and pay it off when she is working after seminary. Can you apply for student loans through TTI? Seeing that you are already at this point rather than planning for her staying home over the last few months you should be exploring all options to get her there.
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amother
Red


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:03 pm
Op, we’re you planning on sending her to college? It’s the same price as a year in college. And you can get the credits too.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:08 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My daughter applied to 2 sems and got in both.
Her whole class and grade are going. Even the ones that were rejected or put on a waiting list said they will go even to a sem that isn't their choice because they all want to go to E"Y.
We don't have a money for it. Even with scholarships we don't have it.
My daughter kind of knows she can't go but what could I do to make it up to her
Yes I know she isn't entitled to anything she isn't my first daughter. A couple of my daughters went and some didn't.
Also my son is hoping to go to yeshiva in E"y which costs much less.
How could I send my son and not my daughter?
I don't know what to do.


First I want to say I'm sorry for this situation. It must be so hard for her and so hard for you as her mother.

I don't have kids old enough for seminary, nor did I ever go to seminary (BT) so no advice.

I am curious (hope you don't mind I ask), what was the point of her applying if you don't have the money to send? Seems like knowing they want to take you and not going is even harder than not knowing if you would have gotten in anyhow.

Are there no scholarships? No loans available?
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STovah




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:14 pm
estherj wrote:
Assuming you are in the US, you will be getting substantial stimulus funds in the next few weeks.

I believe eligibility for the latest stimulus round is capped at $150k of income for a married couple. It would not surprise me if OP is part of the middle class that is not eligible for this stimulus and also not eligible for government aid for seminary through the FAFSA route.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:18 pm
I didnt go to seminary (about 10 years ago) even though everyine else was, and I was typical bais yaakov. I just didnt feel the need.
I went to college instead with a bunch of other frum girls, and had a great year. We went to shiurim at night, and learned the importance of creating your own ruchnius. It was a great experience.
BH had a good time with shidduchim, married an amazing Ben Torah...dont regret it for a second
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Sb1234




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:29 pm
Yes it’s fine for someone to not go to seminary even though “all their friends are”. But then you shouldn’t have let her apply. I think at this point it’s unfair to tell her no. Be honest with her about the finances and see if she’s willing to work to make up the difference. If it’s important enough to her, she will. I also don’t think it’s fair to send your son and not your daughter.
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amother
Green


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:34 pm
amother [ Red ] wrote:
Op, we’re you planning on sending her to college? It’s the same price as a year in college. And you can get the credits too.

People who can't pay for seminary usually can't afford college tuition, either. Their kids take out student loans....
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:40 pm
estherj wrote:
Assuming you are in the US, you will be getting substantial stimulus funds in the next few weeks. Can that be put toward seminary? Have your Rav try to call the seminaries to see if there is some additional flexibility. Have your daughter take out a 0% apr credit card under her own name and pay it off when she is working after seminary. Can you apply for student loans through TTI? Seeing that you are already at this point rather than planning for her staying home over the last few months you should be exploring all options to get her there.


Please do not make your daughter go into credit card debt over this. I don't know what to say about the rest of it. I assume circumstances must have changed from when you first applied? It sounds complicated.
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estherj




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 9:55 pm
WhatFor wrote:
Please do not make your daughter go into credit card debt over this. I don't know what to say about the rest of it. I assume circumstances must have changed from when you first applied? It sounds complicated.


Assuming the daughter wants it badly enough there is a place to figure some credit card debt into the mix as long as there is a realistic plan to work to pay it off post seminary. Assuming current high school tuition is already somewhere between 5-10k and at least some amount of seminary scholarship it should be workable if there is a high enough level of determination and commitment on the part of her daughter.
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WhatFor




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:10 pm
estherj wrote:
Assuming the daughter wants it badly enough there is a place to figure some credit card debt into the mix as long as there is a realistic plan to work to pay it off post seminary. Assuming current high school tuition is already somewhere between 5-10k and at least some amount of seminary scholarship it should be workable if there is a high enough level of determination and commitment on the part of her daughter.


I think this is a different discussion so if we continue down this path, maybe start a spinoff. But I'll maintain that encouraging credit card debt for seminary for a teenager is a terrible idea. I'm not sure how HS tuition comes into play here.

Student loans are a difficult enough burden as it is, but at least it can go toward an actual career and the government ones are set up in a way to allow for long term payment plans with lower interest rates. OP said nothing about dd getting college credits through sem so I assume it's n/a here.

Credit card debts are a different shark altogether. OP should not be teaching DD to buy something she can't afford on a credit card, so that at eighteen before she has even started college, a family, or has any career prospects, she's already thousands of dollars in the hole with compounding interest. This is an age where DD should be encouraged to be saving and investing in her future.

Not to mention you don't pay the way for one child's good time while making your other child go into debt over it. But that's really the larger issue OP is looking at right now.
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amother
Green


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:15 pm
estherj wrote:
Assuming the daughter wants it badly enough there is a place to figure some credit card debt into the mix as long as there is a realistic plan to work to pay it off post seminary. Assuming current high school tuition is already somewhere between 5-10k and at least some amount of seminary scholarship it should be workable if there is a high enough level of determination and commitment on the part of her daughter.

No guarantee of a well paying job for a sem graduate who may very well be trying to start college classes at the same time. Many sem grads end up doing odd jobs like babysitting or playgroup assistant which doesn't pay that much.
0% doesn't last forever and once you start calculating interest rates on $10k or more of credit card debt it will balloon quickly.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, Mar 07 2021, 11:42 pm
OP - have you asked the seminary for a tuition discount? I called up when she was accepted last week, explained the situation, and the school was surprisingly generous. The total tuition is only $10,000 more that what we are paying now for high school and our daughter will help pay about half of that from her summer jobs (she’s known since her Bas Mitzvah that she would have to help pay for sem and has been saving up). We just refinanced our house to pay for the rest, as interest rates are very low now. I also have a son learning in EY, so I understand where you are coming from, but there are ways to make this work. She will also be getting 30 college credits.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Mon, Mar 08 2021, 7:17 am
Were you hoping she wouldn’t get in and then you wouldn’t have to be the bad guy? Or hoping your financial situation would improve by the time letters went out? I can understand that but unfortunately it makes the conversation so much harder. Is it worth going into massive debt for a seminary year? She needs to know the reality of your situation and see the pain it causes you. If she knows that you desperately want to send her but just don’t have a way to make it happen, iyH you can have a good honest discussion and she won’t be left feeling betrayed. She’ll be tearful but ultimately she’ll know that you wanted this for her but just weren’t given the means to make it happen.

I have a 12th grader this year and 4 girls in her class may not be going to seminary due to finances. This has been a challenging year. We’ve opted for an affordable option that wouldn’t have been dd’s first choice, but she understands that going into debt for a non essential isn’t okay. There have been quite a few long conversations to get her to fully process that, though, when the peer pressure is so strong. Do you have affordable local options op? Another suggestion - one of my friends isn’t sending her dd to seminary due to finances but is sending her on a trip to EY in the winter. Would that interest your dd?
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