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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Pesach
amother
OP
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:25 am
We used to go to parents every year for Pesach. Then last year we were forced to make Pesach at home alone for the first time and I ended up loving it. It was work but low pressure because just dh and kids. My parents were miserable being alone. So this year they and my single brother want to come for the first days. Is it bad that I’m really not looking forward to hosting?
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amother
Cerise
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:30 am
I think it's only normal for kids to start hosting their parents after years of the parents hosting the kids. It's unfair for kids to go to parents every year and then when they're ready to make pesach on their own, the parents end up being alone. It's a real lack if hakaros hatov and disrespectful. Kids don't think that their parents might not be up to hosting, we just expect and take it for granted to be able to go. When we start making yom tov at home, it's payback time.
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Chayalle
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:32 am
When my oldest was in Primary (Pre-1-A). The year before that, we went to my parents for the first days and I saw that my mother A"H really wasn't managing (she was ill with Parkinson's disease.) I did alot of the cooking on Erev Y"T and Y"T itself, and realized it would be easier for me to make Pesach and host them, do things at my own pace. I hosted them starting the next year for all Pesach. At the time, I had 4 single siblings, and I also hosted one married sister with her 2 kids for the first days. I hosted them every year for the next more than 10 years, including whichever siblings were single, and some married couples for parts of Y"T, though in later years they sometimes went to my sister for 2nd days.
Everyone's different, some people enjoy hosting more than others. One thing that helped me alot is that my younger sisters used to come stay as soon as high school let out, and they were very helpful with the preps. My parents also helped with the Y"T expenses.
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:32 am
Almost identical situation until the end of op.
We always went to parents until the pandemic pesach. My dh wanted to stay home this year so we invited parents and youngest brother.
They want to stay home this year for various reasons.
But next year I think either well go there or they'll come here.
Don't feel guilty for not looking forward. Is there a way to make it easier or more exciting to host?
Perhaps there is a real reason why it is making you uncomfortable
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watergirl
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:35 am
I started hosting my parents the first pesach of my first marriage! I am a BT and I think most BTs are in the same boat as me. I’ve never not made pesach.
ETA - for other reasons, I do not host my father and my mother passed away a number of years ago (she used to stay with us for pesach). We hosted my in-laws for one seder until covid. I assume they will join us for a seder next year. They do not like staying with us because they do not like to have to follow the halachos... good times.
Last edited by watergirl on Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:46 am; edited 1 time in total
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essie14
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:40 am
FFB
We made Pesach ourselves first year married, started hosting my in laws our 2nd year.
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sky
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:42 am
When my oldest was in primary we were home alone for the sedarim
In first grade my parents started coming to us
I looove it. I much prefer over going there. My kids are in their own beds with friends and toys.
My mother can enjoy them so much more bec she isn’t trying to make her home work for us. It’s a great bonding experience.
My mother also helps a ton which is great.
Personally I always hated living out of a suitcase for so long so we always came home chol hamoed to recharge.
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:49 am
My mother was single and ended up hosting her more than she hosting us. But once she remarried she stayed home. During those years, I hosted my in laws for Pesach. Then my mother became an almana and is single again and we are back to hosting her. If my in laws would be willing, I’d be hosting both my in laws and my mother.
I am married over two decades and only went to my mother twice for Pesach and to my in laws twice for Pesach. Otherwise we always made Pesach on our own. My kids love when their grandparents join for the Seder.
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:54 am
Totally normal. I was very stressed out before having them, but it ended up being very nice. We have been making our own seder for awhile already, but only had them for the first time a few years ago, as prior to that they were still having different kids come.
We started making our own seder when we realized we weren't really enjoying our parents seder anymore because the kids were getting older and my husband wanted to run the seder to maximize our kids engagement and our values in a seder. Then when we were married a little over 15 years, we had our parents for the first time. It wasn't too much of a bigger deal work wise, but boy was I stressed before hand. I wanted everything to be perfect. I realized afterwards that they really just wanted to be with us and didn't care about a lot of the things that I worried about.. It was hard for my FIL not r running a seder for the first time, as he loves this type of thing. Other than that, they helped a lot with certain things that actually made it easier. My kids are also on a drop better behavior when they are there as they get more attention. Disclaimer - I didn't have any babies or toddlers. I think it totally depends on how your relationship is with them normally. Do you enjoy having them for a shabbos? My inlaws are great - so it is a real pleasure - but I still get all stressed out before having any guests because all the work seems overwhelming.
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amother
Indigo
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 9:54 am
My in-laws are not frum. We have always hosted them, except for last Pesach due to COVID.
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tichellady
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 10:12 am
Never hosted for pesach but just want to say that I’m always stressed before my parents or in laws visit and then it’s always really nice.
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amother
Brown
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 10:23 am
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Fave
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 10:30 am
amother [ Cerise ] wrote: | I think it's only normal for kids to start hosting their parents after years of the parents hosting the kids. It's unfair for kids to go to parents every year and then when they're ready to make pesach on their own, the parents end up being alone. It's a real lack if hakaros hatov and disrespectful. Kids don't think that their parents might not be up to hosting, we just expect and take it for granted to be able to go. When we start making yom tov at home, it's payback time. |
Agree!
It’s not easy, but if your parents want to come it’s not nice to turn them away. You can definitely ask them to hep with the costs and cooking.
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Snickers18
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 10:32 am
amother [ OP ] wrote: | We used to go to parents every year for Pesach. Then last year we were forced to make Pesach at home alone for the first time and I ended up loving it. It was work but low pressure because just dh and kids. My parents were miserable being alone. So this year they and my single brother want to come for the first days. Is it bad that I’m really not looking forward to hosting? |
As soon as we got married. It has been our honor to host both sets of parents for YT as often as they can come. Just a small token of our Hakaras hatov for all they have done for us.
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ShishKabob
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 10:37 am
OP, it's okay not to look forward to hosting, however, that shouldn't stop you from doing what is right and hosting them. I have a bit of a similar problem. Last year I didn't host due to covid and it was soooo much easier. Am I allowed to say that? I host with all my heart however, I can't change the facts that it was easier and more enjoyable just with my kids. This year, I'm back to hosting again and I will do it Beezras Hashem with a full heart and I will daven to Hashem that we should all have a beautiful yom tov!
Wishing you hatzlocha and brocha and a very meaningful and beautiful yom tov!
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lfab
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 11:04 am
My in laws stopped making y"t over 8 years ago as it was physically and mentally too much for my mother in law and everyone finally got tired of traveling far to their house and then basically having to make all of y"t while there. At that time I want making pesach yet so they would go to their other kids and we would usually have them for succos. When we made pesach for the first time a few years ago we hosted them for the Sedarim and chol Hamoed. I was married 11 years and in my low 30s at the time.
I think a lot of it has to do with your position in your family. Older children will likely be able to go to parents for longer as their parents are younger and making y"t for their still single children anyway. A child who is one of the younger ones in their family may have to make y"t after fewer years of marriage simply because their parents are older by then and it becomes too difficult for them to make and host y"t.
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amother
Ruby
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 11:16 am
3 months after I got married. We where supposed to go to my parents but bc of covid we couldn't travel. So instead we stayed home and had my mil over for both seders. She eats processed food on pesach and we don't so we couldn't go to her and my dh didn't want her to have to do the seder all alone. Needless to say it was a very bad experience and I don't recommend it at all.
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zaq
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 11:19 am
Snickers18 wrote: | As soon as we got married. It has been our honor to host both sets of parents for YT as often as they can come. Just a small token of our Hakaras hatov for all they have done for us. |
How proper, how wonderful and how rare. Your parents are blessed, and may you be blessed in the same way.
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amother
Yellow
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 11:21 am
amother [ Ruby ] wrote: | 3 months after I got married. We where supposed to go to my parents but bc of covid we couldn't travel. So instead we stayed home and had my mil over for both seders. She eats processed food on pesach and we don't so we couldn't go to her and my dh didn't want her to have to do the seder all alone. Needless to say it was a very bad experience and I don't recommend it at all. |
Why needless to say? Your experience doesn't necessarily represent the universal experience. And what makes you think that hosting you is such a pleasure?
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amother
Sienna
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Mon, Mar 08 2021, 11:23 am
I haven’t read through, but we have been married 14 years, and started making pesach in our own (and hosting my parents) 5 or 6 years ago. Since we have started being home, my parents came to us for sedarim until last year. Unfortunately my father is sick and not doing well now, so they won’t be coming this year either. My in laws stay home and still host some of their kids. (That’s where we will be for the first days.) My mother in law gets very insulted when no one wants to come to her.
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