Not Eating or Drinking

amother

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 6:22 pm

imasinger wrote:

You sound like a kind friend.

There are many reasons a visitor.might refuse food or drink. As long as they do so politely, the main way that courtesy fits into the picture is that the host shouldn't do more than offer twice, and not worry or pry about someone declining.

Thanks, yes I just said " are you sure you don't want anything?" And I didn't ask again, but I did keep wondering!

amother

Azure

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 7:56 pm

For a visit I think it's pretty normal if someone doesn't eat. There's plenty of reasons why she may not have felt comfortable or just wasn't hungry. It's annoying if you prepared a lot but don't feel insulted.

mizle10

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 7:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It was just a quick visit, still I'm always happy when guests eat or drink something, I had a bunch of pastries, maybe she was on a diet, who knows!

I rlly hope my friends would not be insulted if I didn’t eat anything by their house when I pop in for a quick visit. 😐

amother

Orange

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:28 pm

I never heard of a guest being obligated to eat when visiting. The onus is on the host to serve something but the guest has no obligation to eat OR drink. If you're going to feel insulted because somebody didn't eat then you're no kind of friend. It's also not friendly to try to force a guest to eat. You put the food out and let your guest decide whether to partake or not. If she's dieting, isn't hungry, is about to go for a fasting blood test, is doing some sort of religious fast, doesn't trust your kashrus, just had oral surgery, is nauseated from chemo, just took a med that has to be taken an hour after eating and she has to wait another two hours before eating again, is coming down with something, or just saw a mouse chase a roach across your serving dish, she doesn't owe you any explanations.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 10:33 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

I don't like to eat or drink at people's homes. It just feel awkward to me.

With this in mind, do you accept invitations to someone's house for a meal?

OP, I would assume whatever the reason it was likely medical and/or private. Nothing negative about you, your home, your food, your kashrut.... otherwise I doubt she would have accepted the invitation or let her kids eat by you while she sat there.

That said, if someone were coming to me for a meal and not planning to eat, I'd appreciate a heads up before I went to a lot of trouble. Just something like, "Chani, I'm going to come over because I love your company but please don't get offended if I don't eat anything. I don't want to talk about it, but I'm just being crazy careful what I eat right now."

amother

Sun, Mar 07 2021, 11:38 pm

Who knows! I wasn't sure if I should feel offended or not, but you all made very good points, sometimes there's a private reason or someone just doesn't feel hungry and no offense should be taken Smile

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 12:16 am

I’m on a strict diet and wouldn’t eat or drink. I would definitely tell host beforehand, and I would be hesitant to accept an invitation unless we tell them the reason we said no 3x and they say come anyway, which happened once. I bring my own food to family. Could be family that doesn’t understand gets insulted.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 3:00 am

FYI, my MIL thinks it is rude manners to eat unless you are invited for a meal, and then you should eat the bare minimum. She thinks it’s tacky to eat, as if you are poor and don’t have food in your own home. She has raised her children like this as well. Furthermore, you should present as a demagogue, never needing food or having any bodily functions.

I am not of this school of thought, however, with Covid, I do not is visit inside peoples homes, and when I outdoor visit, I am always offered a snack, and tea- as it is freezing, but I always decline. It’s not that I don’t trust them or their cleanliness, but I don’t want to takeoff my mask, and also if they are preparing the tea in their kitchen, then they are breathing in it. I’m sure you think I’m crazy, but I need to do what I feel is right to keep my family safe.

DrMom

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 3:27 am

trixx wrote:

You served a bunch of pastries? I wouldn't eat that either. Diet, gluten free, allergies, cmon.

Yeah, I don't eat too many sweets, so I probably wouldn't have eaten anything either, esp if I were headed out for seudah shlishit afterwards.

I probably would have had a glass of water, but that's about it.

Sesame

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 3:29 am

Seriously, she POPPED IN! it wasn’t a meal.
I kinda would be really insulted if my friends thought of me like this. So what if she didn’t want pastries?! I wouldn’t either. Why you even looking?? Definitely not something to take personally, it’s her choice, no? Especially if she let her kids eat, I wouldn’t have even picked up on it as something to note.
You mentioned she was going out further to a Shalosh seudos so presumably she also had a Shabbos morning meal. How much can the poor woman eat?!
If you want to be a good host, yes offer! But don’t ever watch someone else’s plate! It’s the height of rudeness. If you prefer your guests eat, at least give them a heads up with the invite!!!
Never heard of such a ridiculous concept- a friend popping over must take something... it’s really an ingenuine way of being a host. Hosting is to cater to the guests needs, not your own
I had a guest who came for a whole Shabbos and didn’t eat a thing besides salad cos he didn’t let me know he was a vegan, I felt bad for him, but insulted?!!!

amother

Orange

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 8:49 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Furthermore, you should present as a demagogue, never needing food or having any bodily functions.

.

Demagogue? Sure you don't mean demigod? A demagogue is" a political leader who seeks support by appealing to the desires and prejudices of ordinary people rather than by using rational argument."

amother

Papaya

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 10:34 am

trixx wrote:

You served a bunch of pastries? I wouldn't eat that either. Diet, gluten free, allergies, cmon.

This. I mean I would take a sip of water if I were thirsty but not otherwise. Visit doesn’t mean snacking.

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 11:28 am

Lesson learned, this is what's great about imamother, I learn so much from all of you!

These responses will help me be a better host and hopefully cure me from overthinking!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 11:58 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Lesson learned, this is what's great about imamother, I learn so much from all of you!

These responses will help me be a better host and hopefully cure me from overthinking!

I'm so happy that you are taking all this in, in such a positive attitude! That's rare around here, and the sign of excellent middos.

When I offer someone something and they decline, I'll pause and say "You're sure?" If they say "No really, I'm fine." then I drop it and change the subject. I don't even think about why.

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 12:12 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thank you, FF! I'm a big fan of your posts!