Kvetching 6th grader

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 10:12 am

My DD is frazzled with school. She needs a break, which will be coming soon with Pesach. She has a lot on her plate. She has math tutoring after school twice per week and she is playing catch up with limudei kodesh subjects and meets with a resource teacher once per week to make sure she is understanding the topics/Hebrew etc. So there is that stress.

She has been more moody this past year. She is turning into a teenager for sure.

But she has a low frustration level and doesn't see anything wrong with expressing her frustration and negative opinions in class.

Although I can empathize with her, being vocal with a negative attitude in public/class is not okay. She is affecting other classmates.

I need ideas on how to allow her to kvetch in a healthy way. This is such a hard thing to do because kvetching sometimes can turn into a vicious cycle of negativity and reinforce a negative mood, which I feel is a tendency with her. She is not patient or attentive enough to try meditating. Heck, even I don't like doing that for my own peace of mind.

So, any ideas?

amother

Lime

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 11:08 am

Hi OP. Hugs. I dealt with similar issues. Two very negative dcs who are now adults. You WILL NOT change dc personality. In the end, I work on rooting out my own kvetching and have a personal time limit for listening. I even took positive thinking classes. Now, it's my adult dcs turn to figure it out

Here are some steps that helped from age 8-18.

Set a scheduled kvetch time each day. Open to all kvetches, but limited time, like 10 min. So dc must save them up for you to hear them.

Then introduce the sour/ sweets rule: each kvetch followed by 2 gratitudes/ something nice. You can add a Service to this too: a description of a kind act done for some one else. Good acts for others increase self esteem, decrease negativity.

I gave one dc a small notebook, had her write one kind act she did for a classmate or other person at school per page, when book was full, which I allowed her to keep private, we agreed on a reward.
You could task dc to mark each time she kept negative to herself for a reward.

HELP DC MASTER SCHOOL AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE while helping succeed outside school. They can't find another career, as adults can do and see no other reality than school.

I helped my dcs find something to excel at that they enjoy outside school. Could be music, art , dance, gymnastics, swim, karate, sewing or baking class or lessons, babysitting, joining a community play, hiking, volunteering or a community chesed etc....some place dc feels they fit and can shine.

Take her out alone for breakfast or lunch or a donut or a short walk during school. I do it when it works in my schedule and plan only the night b4. I'd do it more if I had fewer kids, but can only manage 1x week on my schedule. When I had little kids, I made sure they weren't with me for this.

At around 5th grade, I told each dc they can take mental health day. No questions asked. If they need a break, they got one. Some needed 1 a month, others 1 a semester.

Discuss and read stories or scientific studies about the effect of negativity vs positivity on the brain. This is for YOU.

Hugs hugs hugs.

ra_mom

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 12:21 pm

It sounds like she she needs to be heard and understood more. Empathy can go a long way.

I am sure that you are a compassionate mom and really sympathize with her plight. I can see it in the way you talk about all that that is going through.

She is going through so much and her behavior shows that she needs more. Try to get down to her level. Slip into her shoes and feel her pain and frustration at having to work so d@mn hard to obtain this scholastic level. Remove yourself from your own emotions. And just be compassionate to her feelings. "You're working so hard. So incredibly hard. You're doing much more than your classmates." Try to relate to her feelings. "I remember how hard it was for me when I was about your age and everybody got to chill after school but I had to keep studying. It was so hard. And you have to do that every day. It must be exhausting! (Just one example; you can find connection and empathy in all parts of her day.)

When your compassion comes from deep inside you, from a tangible place that you can relate to from your own life experience, and is real, she will feel it. And will accept it. It may take time to get there, and it may take time for her to accept it. But empathy will better your relationship. You'll feel closer to her. She'll feel closer to you. And you'll see a difference in how centered she is. (Which is a nice positive side effect, though not the reason to empathize.)

ETA: Breaks and non school related activities where she can excel are important and excellent advice as posted above.

amother

Lime

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 2:22 pm

Yes RA mom! The purpose of taking the child out of class was for ME too. It helped me spend unpressured relaxed time, a gift for both of us and helped me reconnect with neutral and positive aspects of my child's personality. It really help me be compassionate and present. Then the validation I gave could be authentic.

I found that my kvetchers really had an unlimited need for empathy and validation. There's only so much I can give without being tapped out. Limiting time the child can kvetch, but being present for that time helped. Also, giving the child power to determine when they need a break makes them decide how bad it is and let's them do something about it. Why kvetch they need a break if they can take one. Refocusing on something they are good at helped decrease the need for constant empathy and validation because the child developed an inner sense of competence, which fed back to other areas of life.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:20 pm

As a teacher of this age group, I'd just like to give you a huge shout out as a mommy! I have taught many girls who struggle with this, and so often the issue isn't dealt with. Helping her kvetch and feeling listened to, while teaching her to look on the bright side and find the good in her life is so important, and so few parents are willing to put in the time with their children to work on this. So KUDOS TO YOU!! And much hatzlacha!