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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
DD not ready for shidduchim, how to handle?



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 8:36 am
My 19 y.o. dd wants to start dating like her friends, but dh and I don’t think she’s ready for marriage. We’re encouraging her to wait a couple of years until she’s graduated from college. She has adhd and has a hard time staying on top of her college classes. Her room is a wreck and she gets overwhelmed easily by minor stresses (shrieking at her family when she’s feeling overwhelmed, being nasty to siblings, blaming others). She’s working on her executive functioning and emotional regulation skills and has gotten much better but there’s still work to be done. She’s overall just not so mature and could use some more time to grow up. From what I read this is pretty common in kids with adhd. Dd agrees that she’s not actually ready to get married, but she doesn’t want to be left out of dating. Her biggest concern is that she wants to have dating horror stories to giggle over with her friends. 🙄 She also wants the excitement of clothes and makeup and going fun places. She’s asking us to let her start dating “if something good comes up.” I don’t think it’s fair to the boy (who presumably is tachlis-focused, not just dating to have fun). I also don’t think it’s fair to her. She could easily get infatuated by someone and either lose focus on her degree (which she very much wants to complete but she’s not a good multitasker) or go ahead and get married without really being ready to handle all the responsibilities that come with it. A couple of years working and going to school will give her more life experience and more time to grow up and develop skills.

We’re getting a lot of family pressure to start already. She’s ka”h a beautiful girl who knows how to present herself very well to the outside world and looks put together, but at home, we see her when she’s not “on.” She’s a wonderful girl but just not ready yet. People warn us that all the good boys get snapped up fast, and she’ll be considered old at 21. WWYD?
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 8:45 am
Is she in therapy?
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 8:58 am
challenging
I would put the ball in her court and ask her again to clarify and confirm if she thinks she is ready for marriage. She (or anyone) can only begin shidduchim when they consider themselves ready to get married. Shidduchim is dating for marriage.
I would want her to own the decision. It is her life. I would not want her to "blame" us for not letting her start when she wants to and buy into the "all the good boys get snapped up". While I do not hold by that belief it is delicate and would not want her to feel we were blocking her even with all the best of intentions.
I would treat her as a young adult and talk to her as trusting her judgement and helping her through the decision making process to be reevaluated as necessary along the way.
hatzlocha
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Tirza




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 9:03 am
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE resist the outside pressure and don't let her get married before she is really ready.
Divorce is hell, and an unhappy marriage is an even greater hell. Don't send her down that road.
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amother
Black


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 9:04 am
What circles do you run in? In mine, there are a lot of girls who get married at 21. There's no such thing as all of the good boys getting snatched up.

I think you have time. Incentivize completing college first. She will always be thankful to have a degree in the future as it opens many doors.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 9:06 am
You should speak to a rav.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 9:07 am
I don't know what circles you are in that 21 is old...in my circles 21 is still young.

But I just want to say, I wouldn't say "a couple of years" to her. That could be like, forever, to a girl whose peers are all dating. And I don't think that sounds like such a good idea for her either, why a couple of years?

Instead, you should focus on how you are going to get from point A (where she is right now) to point B (ready for shidduchim) and implement a plan (therapy, maybe a DBT group for emotional regulation, working on maintenance skills). Re-evaluate how she is doing in 6 months to a year.

Shorter term goals with evaluation is likely to be much more motivating for her than this vague "couple of years with no concrete plan" fluffiness that gets her nowhere.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 9:08 am
Definitely encourage her to wait a bit. Hopefully she is in therapy as well.

As far as wanting to do fun stuff and go fun places. Encourage her to go out with friends and have an active social life.

I know dating seems glamorous and fun but it can actually be boring or stressful (when It's not bashert)
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amother
Linen


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 9:28 am
I hear both sides. It really depends on your daughter's talents but most likely you won't be able to predict what will happen.

I have a relative who is not ADHD but is not great at executive functioning. She is in college for a degree that takes 3 years and her parents decided with her consent that she will complete 2 years of college before starting to date.

I have another relative who has ADHD and she was just beginning to figure out what degree she even wanted to get when she got married. Marriage ended up being really great for her because her husband was very supportive and helpful and once she was put in the position of real responsibility, she stepped up to the plate and did really well. She went for a very difficult degree that took 3+ years and even had a baby in the middle, took off a few weeks and finished her degree afterward. She is very smart which really helped her situation.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 10:47 am
Don’t want to hijack post so please disregard if you feel I am.

I have a daughter with some similarities... question:
Where/how is she working on executive function?
With a therapist? What type?


My daughter is Bh not explosive but still struggles with sone areas of emotional regulation. I myself have completed dbt, and I don’t think she needs all the dbt, but she does struggle with impulsivity, distractibility, and tolerance for discomfort (in order to reach a goal) is low.

Any suggestions or what’s worked for your daughter?
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