S/O no videos: what does “my kids fight” mean?

bigsis144

Fri, Mar 19 2021, 3:44 pm

I’ve seen a number of people toss off “kids fight” among the list of activities (read books, ride bikes, build with toys, etc.) that their kids do when they’re not having screen time.

I appreciate your honesty in admitting that your kids fight when they’re bored, but I wonder what that “fighting” looks like.

Because the way MY kids fight, I had to pick the lesser of two evils and give them pretty much unlimited screen time rather than allow them to fight.

So, what does “fighting” look like in your house?
Do you intervene? If yes, what does your intervention look like?

—

For example:

my boys (11 and 8) decide to have a “puny ant battle” (don’t know how/why they made up that name) and remove the mattresses from their beds, shlep them into the hallway and then take turns sandwiching one another between the mattresses while jumping up and down on top of the top mattress.
Eventually and inevitably, one will accidentally hurt the other, and it will instantly devolve into punching, biting and scratching. There is no “oops, sorry” or “ow, be careful” as warning - it’s all “you MORON!” and “oh, you’ll be sorry!!!”

Last edited by bigsis144 on Fri, Mar 19 2021, 3:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Puce

Fri, Mar 19 2021, 3:49 pm

fighting in my house looks like one kid doing something and the other kid getting really upset, annoyed... not necessarily always same kid doing the upsetting or getting upset. We do get involved because my dh can't stand the fighting but I know plenty people believe you should ignore the fighting. I wonder if it also depends on how big the age gap is...

my kids don't fight when they are bored necessarily, it's just if they have to interact with each other as opposed to just staring at a screen they are probably more likely to fight. So if they are playing a game one might think the other one is cheating and get upset... that kind of thing

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Mar 19 2021, 3:58 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

My kids are 6 and 10, girls. They'd do same as your boys if they could. They think up whacky things to do and then one accidentally hurts the other or goes just a bit too far and it devolves into you're a stupidhead, mental case, cruel nasty, you're not even a person, not normal, etc. with hitting, throwing, kicking, scratching, and occasional biting.
They both are struggling with pandas. It's really tough. I'm sorry you're dealing with such stuff too. It's a big problem.
I still don't allow screen time cuz I think it's even worse for them than the fighting.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Mar 19 2021, 5:10 pm

I have two boys, a toddler and K age.
Sometimes my older one will provoke the younger one by bossing him around and the younger one will scream really loudly and/or cry.
Sometimes my younger one will cause my older one to get wild and it inevitably ends with my younger one crying.
I do not know how to prevent this.
They generally don’t fight over stuff or food bh.

amother

Gray

Fri, Mar 19 2021, 5:11 pm

My oldest is 8 and a girl. So fights around here are not on the same level. But she can get aggressive sometimes too. She’ll do things like close her eyes and wander to wear the others are playing just to trample whatever they’re working on, move away long enough for them to cry and restart their game, and then do it again. I separate her, give her a few choices on how she can calm down and then tell her it’s time to find a friend. I point out that she’s driving the others crazy and she needs to find something to do that doesn’t involve bothering them. So she comes up with a few ideas of who to ask, goes to invite them and then even if it doesn’t work out she’s gotten out of fighting mode by the time she’s done. Of course this only works because she has friends on the block.

bigsis144

Fri, Mar 19 2021, 6:24 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

My kids squabble and sometimes even hurt each other, and I don’t want to be mean but your boys do seem to get much more violent.

You’re not mean... it’s okay, I know what my boys are like... 😕

Shabbos is utterly exhausting. I break up fights on the couch, I keep my toddler safe, I break up fights in the bedroom, I play games with them for 2-3 hours at a time, I break up fights on the stairs... if it was like this 7 days a week I’d *die* of exhaustion.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Mar 21 2021, 3:28 am

Mine are 2 girls, 7&6, with the older 1 being a sensitive child and the younger a mischievous child.

In addition to other scenarios, It's a lot about starting out verbal and turning physical..

Choosing a chair to sit. And then being too pushed to the table resulting in touching each others feet, being annoyed and ending up kicking. One of the silliest fights but occur every single day. This isn't about their natures

I used to intervene EVERY single time until I felt it's ridiculous. I didn't stop questioning. All day every day. It drove me insane. I stopped. Now, unless a child comes crying to me I don't utter a word. Even when a child will come to me complain, usually for the sake of telling on the other, I say I hear, okay. And it's enough for them.

Girls being girls tend to cry much quicker than boys. But I think my girls learnt to fight out without crying, still crying more than boys do lol

Also, they become back friends VERY quick, which is a blessing. And gives me hope it'll pass and they'll end up best friends, not fighting. I worry about that often.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Mar 21 2021, 4:25 am

bigsis144 wrote:

we probably grew up in a different place than your boys, but my mother would send us outside if my brother and I were not manageable.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Mar 21 2021, 7:24 am

I don't allow roughhousing because accidents happen- someone's glasses ends up broken, someone gets pushed too hard and needs a trip to the ER, etc. I have a bunch of boys and girls too, and I always told them that playing together means playing with a board game or toy together- never with the person himself. Jumping on someone is not game. Hurting someone isn't either. My boys are teens now and I've done a lot of redirecting over the years. Bike riding, trampoline, lego, building kits, music keyboard, a&c supplies. An activity means either burning off energy or using creative talent.
I also would not allow mattresses on beds removed. Beds are made in the morning so that they are ready to get into at night.
I have a ton of board games but the only ones they've played are stratego, chess, and spy alley. Mainly on shabbos.
I feel I'm a strict mother compared to others here but that's my normal and keeps us moving along.
My teens don't fight but when they are bored they can provoke my younger ones. They are usually busy with school so it's mainly on shabbos or when they have off. I think that when they bother the younger kids, they are just looking for attention from me, they want me to talk to them. Sometimes a good thriller novel (only Jewish- not many out there) is the solution to boredom. I allow them to watch 30 min every night (not past 10 pm) if they had a good day in school and were on time that morning. It's more than I would like but they've stopped nagging me about when they get a turn because they know they get their 30 min. And it keeps them coming home every night around 9:30 or so instead of hanging out with bored friends. So I have more to gain with this setup than I have to lose.