Feeling very unwanted by our hostess

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 1:48 pm

In my opinion the host created the issue. When you mean no, don't say yes.

Option A , wait and hopefully after y"t begins host will be ok.

Option B, Say look, I know you are only having us for old guests sake. And I want to be clear that we are only coming for old guests sake. Now it is clear that you are overwhelmed and I would like to help. But if you are going to resent this all yom tov, we will not come but it will cause everyone big politics which I prefer to avoid.

Option C, bring a really nice gift in hopes of making her act nicer.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 8:21 pm

Whoa whoa whoa. Slow your roll, commenters!

I'm just saying, I know people who just like to kvetch. Even if you're not there, it's not about you, it's about how she wants everyone to acknowledge her as the amazing hero, because she's not feeling loved.

It's not that she doesn't want you there. She DOES. She just wants everyone to be all, "I know, you're so amazing!!". It's a personality, it's not personal.

That's my take on it. Because I once did that - called that person out and said if they don't want me, I don't need to come. (It wasn't Pesach). She did a double take and said, "I didn't mean that, of COURSE I want you to come. I'm going to be so happy when you're here! It's just that [kvetch, complain, so hard for me, blah blah].

I brought her a present, cleaned up and did dishes as much as possible, and it all worked out.

cbsp

Wed, Mar 24 2021, 8:45 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

So funny, was just going to post this!

I have relatives that just want to be thanked over and over and over again in recognition of their hard work. They'd take offense if the guests didn't come - but want everyone to just appreciate how much effort it took to host them.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Mar 25 2021, 12:10 am

The above is a good point. Some people just need the acknowledgement.

But it's also wrong that the elderly relative said you had to come. A guest doesn't invite guests. When this guest said you needed to come along, you should have approached the hostess directly to ask if she wanted you to come and help, or if she would like you to have the relative come to you instead. At this point, she's trapped, and nothing she says will be right.

It sounds like she was happy to invite this relative and was ambushed into hosting a whole other family as well. It would be nice if she were a little more gracious, but I can see why she feels put upon.

Be helpful and grateful, and have a wonderful yom tov.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Mar 25 2021, 12:24 am

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

But it's also wrong that the elderly relative said you had to come. A guest doesn't invite guests. When this guest said you needed to come along, you should have approached the hostess directly to ask if she wanted you to come and help, or if she would like you to have the relative come to you instead. At this point, she's trapped, and nothing she says will be right.

op may not be in a position to host.

DVOM

Thu, Mar 25 2021, 4:40 am

Oy. This is tough. I'm terribly sorry that your stuck like this!

I experienced this once.

A relative was due to have a baby over a chag and was uncertain how they would manage if they went into labor as they did not have a good babysitting option for their other kids. My husband and I discussed it, called them up, and offered to come for the holiday to be the in home sitters should the need arise. Our relative said yes, please!

Problem was, while they did want babysitting, they didn't seem to actually want real live eating, breathing, talking, mess-making people in their house. They yelled at us and our kids for taking out toys to play with, for any mess or noise really. Smudges on the fridge door. Spilled cereal. They got upset with us for letting our oldest son stay up for the meal. They told us (didn't ask us, almost commanded us!) to get their kids out of the house in the afternoon so they could rest. In the quiet of our room my husband and I wondered if there was something terribly wrong with their unborn baby (there wasn't, thankfully!), if there was some secret source of stress or anxiety that we didn't know about to cause them to act so snappish and tense.

On the second night of the holiday my relative went into labor and we did in fact serve our purpose and babysit for the next few days. After they left, we actually had a wonderful, relaxed, beautiful chag in which all the kids were able to take out toys to play with and make normal noise and food messes without drama or tension.

I confess I've never felt the same way towards that relative since then.

amother

Thu, Mar 25 2021, 4:53 am

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Perhaps. But it doesn't mean that this elderly relative gets to invite her along to someone else's house, either.

We were invited by the host but we know the reason is because the relative wants us there and back then the hostess herself said that she’s happy to have us to help out with the relative.

It’s recently that she’s been difficult and I think she bit off more than she can chew. When I got invited I specifically said we weren’t dreaming of going because we knew it would be a lot but she said she wanted us...