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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
How to validate my kid



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 9:30 pm
My DS does not feel heard. I don't know how to proceed. He blew up at us today, yelling that we never listen. Instigated by his sister driving him somewhere (he says he doesn't like her driving). So, he yelled that we never listen because he told us he doesn't like his sister to drive him.

He has obsessed about video games from the time he knew they existed. As he has gotten older we have been more permissive. He gets good grades, well behaved in school, does his chores around the house as much as any kid wants to. He is finishing middle school now.

He likes anything having to do with WWII. Planes, tanks, ships. His conversation is about this almost exclusively. He plays on-line with his classmates. When he grows up, he thinks he wants to join the military (US).

But I try to balance this somehow but it doesn't come out right. I try to get him to think that the world isn't about the military. But he feels unheard. For example, he asked me while driving home from school the other day what I thought about armored trains. What was my opinion. I had no idea how to respond. But my mind goes back to, "this kid thinks a video game is a representation of real life". Therefore, he is going to join the military becasue of a game. Mind you, this is literally all he talks about. He has no idea. And so I say to him, "there is a difference between real life, the military, war and a video game". He says "Of course, I know that" and then the conversation ends.

The thing is, he doesn't really have any other interests. He is not interested in learning. He can not picture himself doing anything else in life. He has become a military aficionada. It is a value that just doesn't resonate in our family. Nothing against it but we want a Jewish education and our kids to pursue professional careers if possible or trades. But not the military. This is not a Jewish life.

He is a sensitive kid. He takes criticism too hard. He is easily physically hurt when playing with the other boys. I don't see him in the military and I don't want him to have such tunnel vision. But he takes it like we don't value him.

He feels misunderstood. I feel this is a losing situation. Family counseling seems necessary but adolescences, in my experience, seem the least receptive to counseling. They have all the answers and their opinions.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 9:42 pm
Three of my cousins are extremely successful in the Israeli military. They are highly educated and incredibly valuable for what they do. One of them is often in other countries and cannot give any hints as to his whereabouts ever. He finds it thrilling and important work and he is so grateful to give back to the county he loves.

It sounds like it's more than a video game that has your son interested in the military. It's not so uncommon for a young man to be interested in that.

If he's asking you what you think about something its a bid for your attention and he's looking to connect. He's also looking to see if you're interested in him for who he is and what he likes.
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 9:48 pm
He is right. Maybe find a way you can have conversations about the things that interest him even if you think it's because of video games. And if he feels unsafe with his sister driving I would consider his feelings and find other options.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 10:32 pm
Nothing in your post indicates that you do indeed try to understand him or even desire to. It is so critical for a child to felt seen by their parent. Be lucky that he's communicating his needs bc the next step is that he will shut down if they're continuously ignored.

I'll go even further and say you're so worried about him going into something you don't approve of.. He won't care much about your approval if he doesn't feel he has a relationship with you.

How to validate? He doesn't need pat validation, he needs to actually be listened to.
"mom what do you think about..."
"hmm well all I really know about it is xyz so I don't have a really informed opinion. Can you tell me more? Sounds like you're interested in it so if you're into it, I want to understand it!"

This isn't drugs, he's interested in a highly complex and intelligent field, ask him about it. Side point I have a relative who also gets fixated on topics and is mildly aspergers.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 10:39 pm
What’s your child’s diagnosis? Is he on the spectrum?
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monseymom25




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:06 pm
It sounds like he feels unheard because you haven’t shown any interest in his interest. I agree with the previous poster who said to ask him more about it. Ask him about the military vehicles in real life and in the games. I would even ask to see them or play the games with him sometimes. They may not be your interests but different people have different interests.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:12 pm
I would explore my own inner resistance to being his ally on this topic/issue. In exploring my inner resistance, the resistance would dissolve and I'd be truly his supporter, not his adversary, on this issue.
There's a term in psychology called ''joining''. If you can get to that place, boy will he feel heard!
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:24 pm
I think you are all right. When I take a step back, I know that it does no good to negate his interests and would alienate him which ultimately is the very oppositive of everything I want to happen. Yet in the moment, I'm distracted by my own insecurities that I just don't think about what I'm saying or doing and by then it's too late.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I think you are all right. When I take a step back, I know that it does no good to negate his interests and would alienate him which ultimately is the very oppositive of everything I want to happen. Yet in the moment, I'm distracted by my own insecurities that I just don't think about what I'm saying or doing and by then it's too late.

You're a step ahead, you're aware of your inner world.
Now if you can truly hear yourself on the inside, with kindness, you are on your way to transforming your insecurities.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:12 am
Besides for what everyone said, realize that people do change during adolescence and a kid's interests at age 12 are just "child's play"!

Is there any possibility, though, that he has mild autism?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:24 am
It sounds like he may have a bright future in the IDF. They have programs for boys who are exactly like this. They can do things that neurotypical soldiers fail at.

https://www.idf.il/en/minisite.....9900/

“Their job is to take visual materials from satellite images and sensors that are in the air. With the help of their officers and decoding tools, they analyze the images and find specific things they need in order to allow those who are planning a mission to get the best data of the area.”

Proof that Hashem has a mission for everybody!
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Apr 16 2021, 8:00 am
That is wonderful that the IDF has such a program.

My son does not have an autism diagnosis. Though I thought he was slightly on the spectrum. He has been in and out of therapy for “mood dysregulatuon syndrome” but really nobody can agree about that. One psychiatrist mentioned “a little on the spectrum, maybe”.

I certainly could not encourage him to be a lone soldier in the IDF. He is not interested. He only thinks about the US Army. I have experience with the military and the Army. I see how broken some of the soldiers are. I have worked at the VA. Their lives are ruined because of a deployment or more like half a dozen deployments that ultimately accomplished nothing. My friends husband had PTSD and killed himself in front of his kids. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about them. I’m crying now thinking about it and it’s been almost 10 yrs. so this is the background story on me.

That is why I worry about my son glorifying the military. But in my opinion the US military does not deserve to be glorified anymore. It sounds a bit political but I do have direct experience that have formed my opinions and fears.
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