S/O Keeping health issues a secret

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Genius

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 10:28 pm

I didn't want to derail the other thread.

In most situations, keeping a secret of a health issue adds so much stress to your life. It uses headspace that you could've used to deal with the actual issue on hand.

I don't think that you need to announce it with a shofar on the streets, but let your nearest and dearest be a part of your life (and help if necessary).

Just putting it out there.

gonewiththewind1

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 10:59 pm

.

Last edited by gonewiththewind1 on Thu, Dec 23 2021, 8:16 am; edited 1 time in total

Genius

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:02 pm

Don't you feel that secrets create the drama?

silverlining3

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:04 pm

Anon disabled. Bye Punch

I absolutely agree. Seen it first-hand multiples times.

4pom

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:07 pm

silverlining3 wrote:

Anon disabled. Bye Punch

I absolutely agree. Seen it first-hand multiples times.

Agreed!!!

More than seen....

simba

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:07 pm

I agree as well and still I try not to judge someone going through an illness on the personal choices they make.
It's not easy whichever way you slice it.

4pom

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:10 pm

SafeAtLast wrote:

Some nearest and dearest take this kind of news to the extreme, and sick people don't necessarily have the strength to deal with the drama.
Best if they do what works for them.

I hear this too. And I do agree to do what works... especially when there's no energy...

However , it could be that its the culture of secrecy that is the origin of the drama. And those who can stop with the secrecy will do everyone a service including mitigating the drama ... so that others are not silenced to avoid the drama.

Plonis

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:10 pm

Yes it's their choice but it makes me so sad when I hear someone I care about passed away and I didn't even know to say Tehillim for them.

Genius

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:17 pm

simba wrote:

I agree as well and still I try not to judge someone going through an illness on the personal choices they make.
It's not easy whichever way you slice it.

Yes. No judgement. Only good advice

stardream

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:28 pm

I didn't see the other thread but I'm not sure I totally agree with everyone else here so far. Once other people know about an illness it's not something they will forget and people don't always want to deal with that.

Genius

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:44 pm

stardream wrote:

True. But to your nearest and dearest you are so much more than that one small detail that the benefits of sharing usually outweigh the risks.

gonewiththewind1

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 8:01 am

[

Last edited by gonewiththewind1 on Thu, Dec 23 2021, 8:15 am; edited 1 time in total

animeme

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 8:17 am

Sometimes people who know about illness will only talk to you about it, look at you with sympathy all the time, etc. I know people who have support systems, but have specific friends they do not tell because they need people in their lives with whom the illness is not an issue- something clean from it. I know people who don't want communities to know about cancer because too many people will come up to their children and say, "I'm davening for your mother," and the kids can't handle that.

I definitely know people who don't tell certain relatives because they would end up having to support those relatives for the reactions and feelings about their own illness, instead of receiving support.

And sometimes, while we wish the culture was different, it's reality that decisions about people will be made due to a label- for example, autism, or anxiety, or even diabetes. So people don't tell anyone they don't fully trust. It's really hard on the person who has it. But it would often be harder if everyone knew.

zaq

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 8:32 am

People--even your parents--have the right to run their their lives as they see fit, and nobody--not even a beloved dc--has an inalienable right to anyone else's health info. Plus, one has to know one's customers. For some, secrets create drama. For others, sharing creates drama. If you know that telling your dc--or your parents, for that matter-- that you have a certain diagnosis means they will swarm all over you with smothering care and make general nuisances of themselves, tell everyone and her Auntie Griselda, or look at you with pity in their eyes and be perpetual Debbie Downers--you have every right not to tell them.

PinkFridge

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 9:07 am

Plonis wrote:

Yes it's their choice but it makes me so sad when I hear someone I care about passed away and I didn't even know to say Tehillim for them.

Some people do want to keep their privacy. They're afraid that if they ask for tefillos everyone will expect regular updates. They may also have been told, of course tell family and immediate circle but bracha comes when one stays under the radar (davar suman min ha'ayin).

There may be some middle ground. Maybe people have to stop expecting to know all the details if they're asked to daven, there's no quid pro quo here.

(NOT NOT NOT saying this is you. I've been in your position too and know how you feel. I'm sure you're a wonderful non-nosy person.)

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