If you grew up with petch and want to stop the cycle

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 7:07 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Op I agree with you that the hardest part is the pause.
I learnt excellent skills to help me go from emotional state to logical where obviously I wouldn’t be hurting my child. But, I can’t get myself to pause and therefor can’t even practice the tools then.
I use the tools anyway to keep me from getting even angrier because of DC reaction to my smack and bh that helps. But I wish I can just pause for 1 second. I feel like my hand just flies up and smacks and only then do I have a second to pause and apply the skills.
It’s so frustrating and of course I apologize. Not just once and not just a quick apology. I apologize and then give DC a long rundown how he doesn’t deserve to be hurt EVER, he’s a good child no matter what, I was angry and I hit which is not ok. I love him and even if he makes “mistakes” he is not a bad child.
(I give him this entire shmooze again once he’s sleeping so it should go into his subconscious)
To the poster who wrote apologizing might help stop the hitting, for me it won’t. Apologizing is all I want to do after I hurt my child. If I was purposely hitting maybe I would have a problem apologizing but when I don’t feel in control and I hurt my kid it’s all I can think of for the next few hours.
Like I said I’m in therapy and B”H my therapist becomes a tiger when kids are being hurt so she’s definitely working with me to help me stop.

I don't agree with apologizing. It might make you feel better but it's not making your child feel any better - it's making them feel confused and unsafe.
I'm sorry means you're going to make sure it never happens again. So do it. Do what it takes (classes, therapy, standing on your head) to make sure it never happens again. Not even once.

amother

Gold

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 11:43 pm

I decided I'd never hit and that was easy (my oldest is 3.5) but I give too harsh punishments when I'm angry anyway 😢😢😢😢

I yell, which I think is okay to do a little bit, but I do it too much, I pull kids by their arms if I tell them to come and they won't, and I've locked my daughter in the bathroom. It's still better than hitting, but I had really wanted to be an amazing parent, and I feel like I'm a less than average parent (my parents I'd rate worse than that). So it's really hard to break the cycle of bad parenting even if you don't hit. 😢

#BestBubby

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 12:08 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How did you do it, if you grew up in a home where giving petch was a normal consequence.
I find that now that my toddlers are older it’s almost like an automatic response even though beforehand I’d tell you logically that no way would I ever raise a hand to my child. (Please don’t say “just stop”, that’s not practical to me.)
Starting Blimie Heller’s class now.
Feels so futile. When I’m angry I feel like there’s a whole other “me”, that my automatic responses aren’t rational. Makes me sad that my kids will continue this because they’ve seen me already. What happens when I change, how does their psyche heal from the past?

You need to be Pro-Active.

You have to have a PLAN - WHAT will you do if you say "stop!" and the kid looks at you
and keeps doing [ ]

A parenting class usually gives you the script what to say/do.

But you need to find one that suits your style and feels natural for you.

amother

Mustard

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 3:16 am

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I commend you for not hitting - but I think locking in the bathroom is actually worse!

I know it's really hard to break the cycle - talking from experience here - and still working on it.

Sometimes since we never had a good role model - we don't even know what's considered normal, or how bad some parenting techniques are.

Please find a parenting class or book that will give you better skills for disciplining.

imaima

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:49 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I grew up being hit and spanked with a belt or flip flop if I ever talked back or did something stupid or dangerous.

Today I’m close with my mother. But she did some mouth smacking when I was being disrespectful or talked back when I was not supposed to speak. If I uttered the words “but MA” SMACK.
My stepdad did most of the hitting. I don’t speak to him for obvious reasons but if I ever do see him I’ll at least be civil. I actually got scared of him and I guess that’s why I’m a people pleaser.
It’s what I grew up with and logically I know it’s not Torah way to be cruel to a child.
The most my son got smacked was when he was about to pull down the shabbos tablecloth with lit candles on it. It was a new thing for him to do. There were other stuff too like seforim a vase of fake flowers but my son was strong and determined to get those candles down! Now we move them further in the table towards the middle. But this Shabbos I plan to move the candles to the kitchen under the cabinets, but idk I’m not sure if the smoke from the fire is going to burn through the bottom of the cabinets. Yes it would be better to see the shabbos candles during the seuda but safety goes first with small children.
So what happened

I smacked him on the hand once and I’ll NEVER forget the hurt look in his eyes. I cried the entire shabbos and kept apologizing and hugging my son. I vowed never do it again!! But it’s difficult. It’s like reflex. I never actually raised my arm like my mom and stepdad did, but a smack is still a smack no matter how light it’s done.
If I feel myself getting frustrated that image comes up and I say HES JUST A BABY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU that stops me real quick. Then I feel guilty for getting frustrated with a BABY in the first place. I also still put my son in his crib then do that walk out the room and breathe thing. It truly helps. Or I turn on the radio and put some music on and we listen to music together. But not now because of sefira.
It’s a work in process and I’m proud I’m working on it at least. I have a lot of childhood stuff to sort out. I want my kid to trust me. I don’t want my kid to be so scared of me, to the point of having to practice how to ask permission to ride a bike.

Yes. Another step to avoid unnecessary smacking and stress is to organize the surroundings to suit your lifestyle best. Many many people have a lone shelve up on the wall for shabbes candles because noone wants to worry and yell at the kids for touching candles.

I was going mad every morning getting everyone out the door because the hall was very narrow. Well we broke the friggin wall and made the entrance area wider to get more space for coats and for multiple kids putting on their shoes.

amother

Cobalt

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:58 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

When I’m calm, I have other tools. It’s not a rational thing. I’ve never potchrd a kid to solve a problem.

Hitting comes from feeling out of control. After growing up with chaos, when things feel like they are getting chaotic, your body goes back to that fight & flight mode, back to childhood, and fear. (For me it was screaming when I felt out of control.)
Working on skills only goes so far. The only way to heal is through trauma therapy. It is the only way for your body and mind to relax and not see everything as a threat.
And I just want to commend you on taking Blimie's course. I took her course, improved my connection to my kids, and then did trauma therapy. It was a great combination.

amother

Copper

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 2:32 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

You don't have to be healed to stop hitting, you need to just be seriously committed. Healing is separate and something you can do for yourself.