Where can I put my edge in Yiddishkeit?

amother

Burlywood

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 6:30 pm

Me too!

I dream of getting a nose ring and a small temporary flower tattoo. I dream of wearing loose wide pants or a jumpsuit! I dream of expressing myself with my clothing!

Nothing against the law.

But I’m choosing my family, my community, over my deepest desires - to be 100% myself.

It's something I struggle with; it's something I will continue to work with...

amother

Ivory

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 6:50 pm

I agree with the other posters that it really depends where you live/what community you're in.
I have several visible piercings (not just my ears) and definitely dress "edgier," though still tznius, and no one here cares (or if they do I don't notice). I also use to dye my hair all kinds of colors and that definitely helps too.
If you feel your community wouldn't be ok with that (which I'm assuming is the case) I would highly recommend getting a piercing no one can see or working on finding small ways that you make you feel better. Maybe that's like a cool piece of jewelry or a colorful clip in for your sheitel that is is positioned underneath.

I strongly don't think you should just try to suppress these feelings--I personally have not found that to be sustainable.

ETA: if you're looking for how top make this explicitly work towards ruchniyus I have always found it inspiring when women are very much their individual selves and still passionate about yiddeshkeit and I know there are many women and girls who are becoming frum//interested in judaism that this is extremely helpful to. I felt this more when I was younger and struggled with whether or not I could be frum and "alternative" and seeing women like this was really inspirational.

amother

Red

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:44 pm

I have lived in Lakewood all my life and am part of the yeshiva community (I am actually invited to lecture at local schools all the time on hashkafa IRL).

I also wear motorcycle-style boots, colorful tights, ombre sheitels (not pink or green etc just ombre dark to blond), cut my hair into a buzz faux-hawk under my wig, wear crazy nail polish on my toes when I want to bother with it, love chunky funky jewelry and wear only colors and styles I love - peasant dresses, funky prints, whatever feels fun but is still tznius. I have jeans and tanks for my bedroom (literally my bedroom, not as a euphemism for 'intimacy' lol). My pajamas have superheroes on them and there's a Darth Vader in my kitchen.

Don't know if that helps. But being tznius and being true to your own wonky sense does not have to be a contradiction. As long as your 'edginess' is not the definition of your character but rather an interesting side facet of your vibrant Jewish soul and emotional personality, cultural norms can go fife.

jstanothermothe

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 9:06 pm

I think some edge is tolerated by different communities out of town. I'm quite edgy, although I'm a baalas teshuva, so I actually got to live out my edginess, and get a lot of it out of my system in my ''past life''. I have tattoos, and had several piercings. while I took most of them out, I didn't take all of them out. I still have three earrings on my right ear, my septum (which I wear flipped up most of the time, mostly because dear shvigger couldnt hangle the grief), and my navel. I still have some cool band tshirts that I wear as cleaning shmattas.
anyway, in my out of town community, my visible tattoos and piercings and style are tolerated. my nails are usually painted black, I still have a couple of chain necklaces that I wear regularly, and I do my make up a bit dark sometimes.
so, depending on your community, yes, there absolutely is a place for your difference and edginess, as long as you stay within halacha.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 9:16 pm

I’m no other telling you to “squash” it, just give you a different perspective. Because at the end of the day even if you find your edginess within Halacha, you still may feel like you’re repressing a part of you. I’m not edgy but I have something in me that cannot be expressed within yiddishkeit, so I feel you. What I want to make you aware of is the concept of a korbon- giving it up to Hashem. Hashem gave you this personality- you “give it up” to Him- think of all you can ask for in return! And every time you feel squashed, daven to Hashem to give you everything good in your life! Like you’re bringing a korbon

amother

Teal

Tue, Apr 20 2021, 10:00 am

OP I really get you. I could have written this post at various points in my life.

Right now I am in a less conflictual place, and I honestly put it down to the music.

I used to live and breathe music, the non jewish kind, I went to music festivals, had purple hair and saw all my favorite bands. I hardly wear my double ear piercing now, but still have a small nose stud and belly ring (when I am not pregnant).

I always struggled with modesty. What helped me overcome it was to consciously think Shiviti Hashem Lenegdi Tamid as a mantra, and anything that gets in the way needs to be readdressed.

Someone once told me the source of non Jewish music, according to Rabbi Nachman is rooted in sadness, which is why it pulls people in. Dont get me wrong, I still have not forgotten the guitar solos, or lyrics that filled my head for many years, but once I stopped listening to it, I felt I had more power over my spirituality and was able to be less influenced by it.

I still make time for self expression, however, once the major music influence of non jewish music left, the edge desire lessened. You can always wear a nice leather jacket and biker boots, they sometimes look Chassidish!!!

Good luck on your journey!

amother

Salmon

Tue, Apr 20 2021, 10:01 am

OP, there is nothing halachically wrong with a second piercing. If it's something that you want, do it.

You may have been inundated with certain messages about tznius that are far beyond the realm of halacha. Not having a second piercing is a sensitivity/community norm.

Remember: it is far more important that you find your way within Yiddishkeit than that you push yourself off with restrictions that you are not ready for.

Non-Jewish music may not be "ideal," but again, there is no halachic issur. You can try to find yourself Jewish music that replaces it, but if you can't, that's okay. Many good, ehrlich, solidly frum people listen to non-Jewish music.

There is nothing halachically wrong with walking around with leggings. Yes, a tank top is out l'halacha. But other things are just not halachic problems.

Btw, I'm yeshivish and do keep many of these chumrahs/sensitivities. But I am very into not pushing people away with restrictions.

amother

Tue, Apr 20 2021, 12:35 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

sm for 'intimacy' lol). My pajamas have superheroes on them and there's a Darth Vader in my kitchen.

Don't know if that helps. But being tznius and being true to your own wonky sense does not have to be a contradiction. As long as your 'edginess' is not the definition of your character but rather an interesting side facet of your vibrant Jewish soul and emotional personality, cultural norms can go fife.

Love this. Thank you!!