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What is the primary role of a parent?



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 3:37 pm
It is to be their child's best friend!

If this sounds strange, crazy and wrong to you, please hear me out.

I was recently directed to a shiur by Rabbi Glatstein on this topic and what I heard really amazed me. I wish I had heard this info 10 years ago, but hopefully it's not too late for me. I'm sharing this because I think it can really help many of us out there and improve the dynamics in our houses .

What he says is 100% based on Torah sources, no new-age modern ideas.

I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to have successful children, a peaceful home and good relationship with their children.
You're welcome. Smile

https://www.torahanytime.com/#.....81636
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amother
Denim


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 5:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It is to be their child's best friend!

If this sounds strange, crazy and wrong to you, please hear me out.

I was recently directed to a shiur by Rabbi Glatstein on this topic and what I heard really amazed me. I wish I had heard this info 10 years ago, but hopefully it's not too late for me. I'm sharing this because I think it can really help many of us out there and improve the dynamics in our houses .

What he says is 100% based on Torah sources, no new-age modern ideas.

I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to have successful children, a peaceful home and good relationship with their children.
You're welcome. Smile

https://www.torahanytime.com/#.....81636


I strongly disagree. My dh kept insisting the same, and acted in that fashion for many years. Let's just say the results were far from his liking, and he has now completely backed away from it.

There are plenty of opportunities for best friends. Kids only get one mother and one father. They need to parent, set boundaries, offer encouragement and step in when needed, all the while providing love and support. It's a tough balance, but totally doable.

Don't shortchange your kids by dropping the ball.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 5:08 pm
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
I strongly disagree. My dh kept insisting the same, and acted in that fashion for many years. Let's just say the results were far from his liking, and he has now completely backed away from it.

There are plenty of opportunities for best friends. Kids only get one mother and one father. They need to parent, set boundaries, offer encouragement and step in when needed, all the while providing love and support. It's a tough balance, but totally doable.

Don't shortchange your kids by dropping the ball.

A real best friend does all that you describe . They respect boundaries and set their own. They offer encouragement and step in when needed all the while providing love and support. That is a true friend. So be that true friend to your child , just as described above.

This is a two hour discussion by Rabbi Kalish from yeshiva of Waterbury and he too mentions that there is a Torah source and this has nothing to do with the modern day era. Be your child’s friend. It’s worth a listen.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EWar-BGtW34
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professor




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 5:18 pm
It depends what your definition of "best friend" is

Babies and toddlers (and even teens) need something more than that though.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 5:48 pm
I really disagree too. Maybe a parent should have all of the great qualities of a best friend, in that they listen, support, respect and love you. But parents need to have more to properly raise their children. They also need to be a disciplinarian, an authoritative figure in a child’s life.

Friends do not set boundaries for each other. They may respect each other’s choices but they do not make them for their friend. They do not discipline, they do not punish when necessary, they do not teach them.

Separately, If a parent treated their child like their friend, the child will usually treat them like that back. Which may be fun and great most of the time, but the children don’t give the parents the respect they deserve. In a friendship, you are equals. In a parent/child relationship, you are not. I have seen this parenting style first hand a few different times, the relationship always looks the same. The kids do not respect the parents at all, they treat them and talk to them like friends.

Children should respect, look up to and fear their parents, like we do with Hashem.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 6:33 pm
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
I strongly disagree. My dh kept insisting the same, and acted in that fashion for many years. Let's just say the results were far from his liking, and he has now completely backed away from it.

There are plenty of opportunities for best friends. Kids only get one mother and one father. They need to parent, set boundaries, offer encouragement and step in when needed, all the while providing love and support. It's a tough balance, but totally doable.

Don't shortchange your kids by dropping the ball.



Did you listen to the shiur?? I'm guessing not.

I totally hear all that you are saying.
Nevertheless, I am respectfully suggesting that you take 20 minutes to listen to the shiur . The shiur is 38 minutes, but he says this piece in the first 20.

My first reaction was just like you.

And like someone else said, a parent being a best friend is not a contradiction to the above things you mentioned. The difference is that it is coming from a place of friendship as opposed to authority.

Give it a listen. I dont think you will regret it. Otoh, It might be a great 20 minutes investment of your time.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 6:47 pm
amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:
I really disagree too. Maybe a parent should have all of the great qualities of a best friend, in that they listen, support, respect and love you. But parents need to have more to properly raise their children. They also need to be a disciplinarian, an authoritative figure in a child’s life.

Friends do not set boundaries for each other. They may respect each other’s choices but they do not make them for their friend. They do not discipline, they do not punish when necessary, they do not teach them.

Separately, If a parent treated their child like their friend, the child will usually treat them like that back. Which may be fun and great most of the time, but the children don’t give the parents the respect they deserve. In a friendship, you are equals. In a parent/child relationship, you are not. I have seen this parenting style first hand a few different times, the relationship always looks the same. The kids do not respect the parents at all, they treat them and talk to them like friends.

Children should respect, look up to and fear their parents, like we do with Hashem.


Again, I hear all this. I am assuming you have not listened to the shiur.

Btw, none of what he says are his ideas. If you know anything about the Rabbi, he is not into new-agey, feel good ideas. He is strictly - what do Chazal say? What do our gedolim say. He brings Torah sources from as far back as the sefer Chassidim, through Rashi, to more contemporary gedolei Yisroel.
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PurpleandGold




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 6:55 pm
I listened to the shiur this afternoon. My impression of Rashi saying a father is a "friend" and that Yaakov's sons were his "brothers," is that a parent is a friend like no other. This is not a "friendship" like two children that play together or two teens that confide in each other. This is a friendship that involves guidance and teaching and boundary setting as well as play and confidences. But it's a true friendship none the less, in the sense that the child should feel that no one enjoys him, and respects him, and cares about him, and has his back like his parents. Of course we are our childrens' best friends. I often address my child as "little friend."
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 9:20 pm
Parents can be friendly with and towards their children but they should not be their friends. Parents should not overshare with their children the way that they do with friends. There needs to be a delineation in the relationshp and it should be clear that they are not equals.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 10:20 pm
My reply to your subject line:
"To be a human being with another human being, supporting the little human being, walking beside him/her as they grows into a bigger human being"
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amother
Plum


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 10:21 pm
Primary role of a parent is to teach their children about Hashem and the Torah.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 10:42 pm
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
Primary role of a parent is to teach their children about Hashem and the Torah.


This is according to you or is this something you saw in a Torah source? (Btw, I would have answered exactly the same way just using my own thoughts.)

The main thing this shiur brings to the table is that he quotes Torah sources, its not his own opinions.

There are so many contradictory parenting philosophies out there, and some resonate more with some people than others.

But what he brings are Torah sources, chazal.

If that is valuable to you, again, I respectfully recommend you listen to the shiur. That's all I came to share in this thread. I personally have gained tremendous insight and feel I cannot go wrong with a philosophy that is based on chazal.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 10:46 pm
PurpleandGold wrote:
I listened to the shiur this afternoon. My impression of Rashi saying a father is a "friend" and that Yaakov's sons were his "brothers," is that a parent is a friend like no other. This is not a "friendship" like two children that play together or two teens that confide in each other. This is a friendship that involves guidance and teaching and boundary setting as well as play and confidences. But it's a true friendship none the less, in the sense that the child should feel that no one enjoys him, and respects him, and cares about him, and has his back like his parents. Of course we are our childrens' best friends. I often address my child as "little friend."


Beautifully put.
Btw, the shiur link I posted is the abridged version. If you want, you can listen to the whole thing by searching for the shiur "the Ten Commandments of Raising Children"
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amother
Plum


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 10:52 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This is according to you or is this something you saw in a Torah source? (Btw, I would have answered exactly the same way just using my own thoughts.)

The main thing this shiur brings to the table is that he quotes Torah sources, its not his own opinions.

There are so many contradictory parenting philosophies out there, and some resonate more with some people than others.

But what he brings are Torah sources, chazal.

If that is valuable to you, again, I respectfully recommend you listen to the shiur. That's all I came to share in this thread. I personally have gained tremendous insight and feel I cannot go wrong with a philosophy that is based on chazal.


Torah sources.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 11:09 pm
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
Torah sources.

Ok.
I posted this here because I wanted to share what I found to be a fascinating idea.
Anyone who is interested is free to listen.
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Rhl mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 27 2021, 11:12 pm
This is beautiful! Thank you!
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