Wedding invitees | Imamother

amother

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 7:54 am

My daughter is getting married, and her chassan has many friends from his Yeshiva days who he would like to have at the wedding. The problem is we are keeping the wedding small, so he would like to have his friends come without their wives. Is there an appropriate way to invite his friends without their wives?

singleagain

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 8:10 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I guess, should he follow up with a phone call and an explanation?

I'm not sure about the etiquette... But I'd wait and see what the response cards say... Been you maybe preprint then with just the friends' name... Like instead of a blank line, for then to fill the name you put "abraham isaac will be able/unable to attend"

singleagain

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 8:15 am

On the other hand I just did a bit of googling and it might be considered extremely rude to not invite the spouse. So you might be better off not inviting them if you can't invite their spouses or you know limit the list in some other way

amother

Oak

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 8:15 am

I personally think an invitation like that (which excludes the spouse) should be explained in a text or phone call or note as well to avoid confusion and also I think it does warrant an explanation- we don't have so much space/ can't afford to have a lot of people etc. Depending on what communities/circles you run in, this is also not so unusual during corona times where numbers have to be kept smaller

amother

Emerald

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 9:27 am

We did evites and I addressed the invitations to Mrs. First Name Last Name.
This was several years ago, pre-covid.
The situation was that I grew up in America but now live in Israel.

I was out of high school over 20 years and had a bunch of classmates living in Israel, but mostly chareidi and I am very much not. I knew their husbands would not feel comfortable at my wedding - mixed seating, they don't know me, etc. Even if I would have addressed the invitation to the couple, I don't think the husbands would have come anyway, but I wanted to be clear. They all attended and enjoyed so much and it meant so much to me to have them there. No one was insulted at all.

When they invite me to their smachot my husband doesn't come. Separate seating, he doesn't know anyone, there would really be no point.
He only accompanies me if he knows the baalei simchas.

Post Covid I don't think it's rude at all. Weddings are smaller and it's a little silly to pay for guests who don't want to be there but would come because they think it's rude not to.
In the frum world I think it's totally acceptable because many smachot are separate seating and it's much more common for a spouse to know the baal simcha and the other spouse really doesn't.
How well do people know their DH's shul friends or chavrusa?
I am much too busy to sit at a wedding, by myself,of DH's friend's child.

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 9:32 am

I seem to remember making calls to my married friends and saying that would love to invite your dh but we wouldn't have space, or some such. Many of them were like well he doesn't know anyone anyway there so would probably not want to come. Also I know for myself once I had kids, it's so much easier having one spouse staying home rather than trying to find a babysitter, especially if the spouse didn't want to go anyway.

dankbar

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 3:36 pm

I think standard on invitation is to write Mr & Mrs even if both won't attend. People know which one it is meant for.

Like other poster wrote if you send copy of invitation as text, whatsaap, email directly to your friend. You don't have to address just sent to one.

Coud you invite friends for dancing/dessert instead of meal. You can keep meal for only immediate family

amother

Sienna

Fri, Apr 30 2021, 4:37 pm

dankbar wrote:

Don't write both Mr and Mrs if you truly only want the men to attend. It's confusing. I know so many couples who go to a wedding for date night to have somewhere to go all dressed up.

If you only want the men, just invite the men.

If you're texting or emailing the invite, after you send it send another text or email explaining you are only inviting the male spouse due to capacity restrictions. Keep it simple.

And dont be apologetic. It's 100% acceptable. I wish it would happen more often so I don't ha e to keep my dh "company" on the drive to be separated from him for 3 hours