What to do? | Imamother

willow

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 5:40 am

Here is my dilemma.
My dh and I over Pesach vacation will be taking advantage of some vouchers we got to visit my grandparents in Florida.
My question that has me doubting has no right or wrong solution.
But I thought maybe by posting someone will come up with something I didn't think of.
Here are the points to consider:
1- We'd like to go for 4 days ideally just me and dh. My mother is thrilled to have my dd
2- I am still currently nursing and although she is over 2 I still nurse 3-4 times a day. If I would go for so long I would have to wean. I love nursing her and obviously so does she.
3- I have never ever left her before except for a few hours. 4 days is a lot to leave her with people she doesn't really know. She is a very confident, social and friendly girl but she hasn't seen these ppl for 6 months. (she does rec. them from pictures and she talks to my mother every day on the phone.
4- I could bring her with us and my grandparents would be thrilled. But then that doesn't give my dh and I a real vacation because we would have to make it dd centered.
5- I know there is no perfect scenario. because if we go without her I'll be so nervous all the time wondering if she is alright.
6- If we go without her and I wean and its not the best time (for whatever reason I.e getting sick) I'll have the conseqence weighing on me that I weaned her for what?
O.k so not what Very Happy

suomynona

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 5:54 am

so you want to have your cake and eat it too Wink

First of all, if you go, wait 'til your daughter has a chance to get to know your mother. Wait 'til after pesach to go so she already feels comfortable. Maybe test it out and have your mother put her to sleep and take care of her in the morning while you're not there, and see if she misses you.
I'm not nursing my 2 year old, but I'm in the same kind of situation where my son has never been away from us because we don't live near family. He's also extremely outgoing and friendly - not the attached type at all. But still, he has never been away from us.

About the nursing - you have to decide how badly you want to continue, that's all. And how soon are you likely to wean if you don't go? If it's only gonna be another month or 2, it won't make that much of a difference if you wean her now.
Can you go to Florida with your daughter, and then go on a 2 day/1 night vacation without her? You probably could still continue nursing that way.

willow

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 6:03 am

six views and a reply. Yeah! Thanx suomynona. You are 100% correct. I have this fantasy vacation in my head with a lot of hitches in reality.
I can not go after Pesach b/c my dh wants to be back right away and anyways our tickets for America or solid.
I do have to think long and hard about how long I am going to nurse. I guess I thought eventually she will lead the weaning (and she has from from 5-6 to 3-4 Wink

but I guess she isn't.
Your last point is great. Maybe take her and let it be a whole grandparents nachas trip. And then maybe take two day trips just the two of us. Hmm have to think.

suomynona

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 6:26 am

I think that's what I would do if I were in your situation.
I really can relate to your situation even though I don't nurse my older one. But if I would, I'd feel the same way.
I personally don't think I'd take a vacation without my son at this point in my life for many reasons. If I would live in America and my son was used to staying at my family, I would probably feel differently. And this is a kid who loves meeting new people and probably wouldn't even notice that we're gone. But I guess I'm not one to talk since my husband and I are stick in the muds and my son is the life of the party. So there would be no point in going without him Smile

There's nothing we're dying to do that would be better without him around.

catonmylap

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 7:03 am

I say to take her with you. I wouldn't be able to go through that separation.

My ds is almost a year , and on our very recent trip to NY, I couldn't leave him with a babysitter and go to shul on shabbos(no eruv) because I didn't want him to be so traumatized in an unfamiliar place. The first few days there he cried everytime I left his sight.

I also work so I found I really wanted to spend a lot of time with ds on vacation.

It seems to me that it would be a good opportunity to wean if you are/were ready for it.

I think it's also important to let your grandparents see your dd. Are they still capable of babysitting? Maybe you can still go out at night after your dd is sleeping?

su7kids

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 7:34 am

Maybe you can find out if there is someone in Florida who could babysit for you, and while you're with your dd during the day, you and DH can get the evenings off when she goes to sleep, and go out to a restaurant or do some adult things.

Nachus for your grandparents is way more important than a vacation for you a dh. You never know how long people are on this earth and every drop of nachus you can give them is better for everyone.

This way you also don't have to make a decision about the nursing until you're ready.

willow

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 8:03 am

suomynona wrote:

... I'm not one to talk since my husband and I are stick in the muds and my son is the life of the party. So there would be no point in going without him Smile

There's nothing we're dying to do that would be better without him around.

You are so funny!

catonmylap thank you for responding. B'h I am able to spend a lot of time with my dd on a regular basis. I don't however get to see my wonderfully busy dh. Hence why we really want to be alone for the first time. But you are right that I don't know how she will react. She might be really hurt and confused. In addition I have this feeling that with all the action she might wean on her own over Pesach anyways. But of course I don't know for sure.

su7kids- You brought up another great point. My grandparents and my grandmother are getting older and older. I am extremely close with both of them. When I let them know what we are planning they were a little disappointed that they won't get to see my dd. But were so supportive and pro my dh and I having a vacation. They don't get to see me becuase I live so far...hmmm more to think.

Oh one more thing I realized. I also have this selfish part if me say. If we leave her with the family, then I can get over my jet-lag faster because I will actually be able to sleep at night Confused

So by the time Pesach comes this year (last year I was a mess I was so exhausted) I can actually enjoy being with everyone.

suomynona

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 8:15 am

tip with the jet lag. The last 2 times I went to America, I start putting my son to bed later every night starting from a week before. That eliminated the jet lag by more than 1/2 which made a huge difference.
I don't know if I'll do it again this year because now I work nights and I have 2 kids.

jemappelle

Wed, Feb 27 2008, 5:34 pm

In terms of weaning- what about pumping and storing milk for the days that you are away, and then continuing to pump while you are on vacation?

(I'm a big talker - the time I was away from my son was when I was in the hospital giving birth to my second!)

willow

Sun, Mar 02 2008, 1:18 pm

O.k update:
Nothing Crying

I talked to everyone I know. I called my dh rebbe, a few different Rebbitzens I talked to friends and there is no answer. There are so many pros and cons to both sides. Every time I take the plunge and decide one way someone brings up another side to consider
-I could stop nursing her now, so by the time Pesach comes she'll have weaned and it won't be traumatic. The flip side, It is a tremendous pressure to put on myself and my dd. It's like I am putting us on a stop-watch and what if it doesn't work? I don't even know what to do in order to start weaning Confused

- Then I think just take her and then I go to a shuir where the lecturer stresses the importance of having couple time. Plus we have never gone anywhere alone since we were married. Also I really really don't ever get to be with him alone and somewhere fun.
- We don't live near any family all year long so we never could leave her again (it's like our only chance Wink

-Then I think oh just bring her. Its so fun to have her around she'll love it and my grandparents will be thrilled. Then I think willow, you are coming off a huge flight, she is going to be sick of traveling. She has so much energy its not fair to schlep her around
At the rate I am going, I might as well not even go Sad

(only then we'll lose our vouchers because they expire Pesach)

Someone Help

ChavieK

Tue, Mar 04 2008, 1:36 pm

Someone else mentioned taking her with you & the 2 of you going away for 1 night alone. If grandparents can't handle 2 yr old get a babysitter to help them with the physical stuff like bath. Have you ever left her with a baby sitter before? If she isn't used to that then make sure you are around for an hour or so. If the sitter will get down on the floor & play with her she'll be ok. Most 2 yr old are happy when a teenager plays with them with full attention. Don't make your night alone the first night you get to Fl. Let dd get used to grandparents too. This is the best win-win scenario. You won't have to wean, you won't have to leave her for too long, you will get some alone time with dh (more than if the 2 of you just went cause then you wouldn't have excuse to leave g-parents for the night) & best of all they get to see great-grandchild!