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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Is my daughter a bully?



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 4:42 pm
I’m sitting a watching her play. I know she’s a leader. But she’s auctioning off her stuff. And for some reason it always ends up being her that gets it. She keeps telling kids what to do but she’s all sweet to them too. Her behaviour is bothering me for some reason. I keep telling her to talk nice and be fair and all. She’s 5. How do I teach kids these things? It’s not like I can tell her be nice. She is. But always gets her way.
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amother
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Post Thu, May 06 2021, 4:49 pm
Bullies are not nice. Maybe your daughter is bossy.
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 4:52 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
Bullies are not nice. Maybe your daughter is bossy.


Of course bullies can be nice. Like a sly fox.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 4:56 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
Bullies are not nice. Maybe your daughter is bossy.


I think your right. She’s more bossy. She loves to be the teacher and tells everyone to follow her. How can I teach her to let go a bit. She doesn’t always have to be the one?
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amother
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Post Thu, May 06 2021, 5:04 pm
amother [ Pewter ] wrote:
Of course bullies can be nice. Like a sly fox.

It's pretty rare. Bullies work either with physical violence and verbal abuse, or by actively isolating other people by telling others to avoid them and playing games with their victims' heads.

Bossy isn't bully. A person can be bossy AND a bully. But not every bossy person is a bully, and not every bully is bossy.
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amother
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Post Thu, May 06 2021, 5:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I think your right. She’s more bossy. She loves to be the teacher and tells everyone to follow her. How can I teach her to let go a bit. She doesn’t always have to be the one?

Some people are leaders and some are followers. I don't think there's a problem with that. But work with her on empathy, theory of mind, seeing and feeling things from other people's perspective, so that she develops that ability. In time it will help her limit her own bossiness.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 5:05 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
It's pretty rare. Bullies work either with physical violence and verbal abuse, or by actively isolating other people by telling others to avoid them and playing games with their victims' heads.

Bossy isn't bully. A person can be bossy AND a bully. But not every bossy person is a bully, and not every bully is bossy.


Bullies being nice for their own agenda is emotional abuse. They come across as nice and sweet but only mean their own good. It's a form of bullying.


Last edited by Blessing1 on Thu, May 06 2021, 5:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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chanatron1000




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 5:06 pm
Playing games with the victims' heads often is superficially "nice."
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Petra




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 5:45 pm
She's being a leader like a teacher would, but only doing it in the 5 yr old way she knows how. It's her party. Her domain. Probably in a different setting she is different.

My DD was bullied in 2nd grade. The same kid seemed to experience joy with giving my DD a hard time every day at school. "Oops, I stepped on your book. Sorry". "Oops, I accidently bumped into you 15 times in line. Sorry". "Oops I borrowed your crayons without asking and never gave them back. Sorry". "Oops, I accidentally fell on you so that you would be pushed into your locker. Sorry". Luckily, the bullying was dealt with and stopped.

Bullying is specific and aimed at making a kid feel small and powerless. I don't think your daughter is doing that.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 5:50 pm
I wouldn't call it bullying at age 5.

I would call it something to address, though, in a positive way.

You can make sure you are frequently talking about the importance of good middos, and what that means, how you think about it in your own life, etc. Try to catch her being generous, kind, thoughtful, and talk about how these actions show her as a kind, generous, thoughtful person.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 7:17 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I’m sitting a watching her play. I know she’s a leader. But she’s auctioning off her stuff. And for some reason it always ends up being her that gets it. She keeps telling kids what to do but she’s all sweet to them too. Her behaviour is bothering me for some reason. I keep telling her to talk nice and be fair and all. She’s 5. How do I teach kids these things? It’s not like I can tell her be nice. She is. But always gets her way.


Your daughter is being assertive, in control, leading, confident, maybe even domineering, but none of these are bad qualities. Ask yourself what's bothering you. It's likely nothing about her and more about how YOU as a child were shut down for expressing those qualities.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 7:31 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
Bullies being nice for their own agenda is emotional abuse. They come across as nice and sweet but only mean their own good. It's a form of bullying.

That's already semantics - I would call what you are describing "manipulation."

But regardless, her daughter is too young for that. 99.99999999999% of children are not capable of such manipulations at that age. And those who are, don't usually manipulate like that unless they are being severely abused. Her daughter is FIVE. FIVE.

Sure there is one kid (or two kids from the same family) in 20 years of a school's operation capable of that kind of far-thinking long-term manipulation at the age of FIVE (or two). Let's assume that OP's kid is NOT that one kid in twenty or thirty years of their school's existence.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 7:33 pm
imasinger wrote:
I wouldn't call it bullying at age 5.

I would call it something to address, though, in a positive way.

You can make sure you are frequently talking about the importance of good middos, and what that means, how you think about it in your own life, etc. Try to catch her being generous, kind, thoughtful, and talk about how these actions show her as a kind, generous, thoughtful person.

One of my kids was bullied at age five. It was absolutely bullying.

But it was absolutely not like what OP described.
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amother
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Post Thu, May 06 2021, 7:33 pm
chanatron1000 wrote:
Playing games with the victims' heads often is superficially "nice."

The child is FIVE. YEARS. OLD.
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chanatron1000




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 7:42 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
The child is FIVE. YEARS. OLD.

I wasn't referring to the OP specifically, just as to whether or not bullies can be "nice."
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 7:54 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I’m sitting a watching her play. I know she’s a leader. But she’s auctioning off her stuff. And for some reason it always ends up being her that gets it. She keeps telling kids what to do but she’s all sweet to them too. Her behaviour is bothering me for some reason. I keep telling her to talk nice and be fair and all. She’s 5. How do I teach kids these things? It’s not like I can tell her be nice. She is. But always gets her way.


I think it is a good thing to address, because I know someone who's like that as an adult, and it turns people off.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 7:55 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I’m sitting a watching her play. I know she’s a leader. But she’s auctioning off her stuff. And for some reason it always ends up being her that gets it. She keeps telling kids what to do but she’s all sweet to them too. Her behaviour is bothering me for some reason. I keep telling her to talk nice and be fair and all. She’s 5. How do I teach kids these things? It’s not like I can tell her be nice. She is. But always gets her way.


Well, of course she's always going to win in an auction of her own stuff. She has no intention of losing it! Did other kids really think they were going to walk off with her toys and games?

Don't label your child as a "bully." Few children are "bullies," but most engage in bullying behavior at some point or another in their childhood. Address the behaviors without pathologizing the child. Encourage her to take turns, and to give other kids a chance. Make sure that others win, or get to set the rules, in her play with siblings. Role model good behavior.
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amother
Oak


 

Post Thu, May 06 2021, 10:32 pm
trixx wrote:
Your daughter is being assertive, in control, leading, confident, maybe even domineering, but none of these are bad qualities. Ask yourself what's bothering you. It's likely nothing about her and more about how YOU as a child were shut down for expressing those qualities.


Sure that is a bad quality.
Please don't make bossy sound good.

I know kids like this now, and I remember when I was a kid, there were kids like this. OP if you want DD to have real friends, you definitely should work on it. Other people gave good suggestions.
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STMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 07 2021, 8:56 am
OP please listen to the good positive advice here and ignore the people who are scaring you or shaming your child for not having adult-level social skills at age 5.
Signed, a mental health professional with expertise in child development
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