Child hitting | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children

Child hitting

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amother

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:32 pm

How do you deal with a child 6 years old that constantly hits his siblings? Currently I put him in time out but its becoming a daily occurrence and I need a better strategy

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 3:39 pm

I can tell you what worked for my 4 yr old... he was hitting in frustration. I would hold his hand that he can't hit, and tell him, use your words not your hands. We would discuss hakol kol Yaakov v'hayadayim Yidei eisav -how the Jewish way is to be gentel, and kind and use words to tell people what is bothering us. He usually needed help finding what words to use. This went hand on hand with talking about feelings lots of validating etc. Compliments when he remembered to use words.

amother

Beige

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 6:33 pm

I struggle with this too. The 'using your words' type of coaching isn't working ..,

amother

Bronze

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 6:35 pm

I would teach him acceptable ways of communicating

amother

Apricot

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 6:51 pm

Cutting gluten, dairy and dyes and limiting sugar helps a ton with aggression in our house. We also give magnesium and gaba to help calm the nervous system.

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 8:08 pm

Role Play using your words.

"Stop!"

"I was in middle of playing with that toy."

Buy a special candy and tell 6 y.o. that whenever you wanted to hit but didn't, come to me
and I will give you a special candy.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 8:36 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

I struggle with this too. The 'using your words' type of coaching isn't working ..,

You need to teach them how. Tell your child what you want him to say ( after validating his feelings). Its also helpful to intervene before the argument escalates to the point of hitting. Which isn't always possible, but over time he got the message more or less.

Here is an example of how it played out.
(Typical scenario: kid A smashed kid B's castle, kid B in turn rushes to beat up Kid A, I catch his arm, and say "boy, are you angry! You didn't want kid A to break your castle! Let me hear you tell kid A that with your words. Say don't break my castle!)

Its hard, and each kids is different. When I had the problem with a different child at 3 time out worked wonders. This kid wouldn't stay.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Feb 07 2021, 10:23 pm

His hitting is just a form of communication. You have to teach him how to communicate in a less harmful, more productive way. Putting him in a time out won’t teach him that.

When my child hits I always use the same script. (Physically hold his hands gently if needed) “Hitting hurts. I won’t let you hit your sister. I see you’re upset/frustrated/angry because she took your toy. Instead of hitting, let’s use our words to say how we feel/what we want. You can tell your sister- Don’t take my toy. Now you try it” And have him say it. It really really works if done consistently.

Sometimes we expect our kids to know how to communicate properly but it’s a skill that has to be taught and modeled over and over for them to be good at it. Like any other skill!

amother

White

Tue, Jun 01 2021, 4:05 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I like everything except the candy. Sugar is a huge driver of aggressive behavior. Maybe some other form of incentive?

amother

White

Tue, Jun 01 2021, 4:08 pm

This is a habit. We help our children break habits by tallying the number of time they do it. So if he hits 10 times the first day, and 9 times the second day, we congratulate him and say he is really learning to tame his yetzer horah! As he sees success it will improve.

The tallying can be done using tickets in a jar, a chart on the fridge (need someobject to move around said chart for Shabbas).

There can be a reward for having less tallies. For example, my son had a bad habit that he would do 30 times a day on average. So we'd give incentive of $0.30 per day, and each tally removes one penny. So they get to keep more if they can control themselves more. This was super effective.

The key here is not to make a big deal about it. Start out introducing the program by explaining that hitting is a bad middah but it's also hard to stop because ti's a habit. Explain the meaning of a habit and why it's so hard to break. THen say we are going to work on it together and becuase you are so strong, you can do this! If using tickets in a jar, every time he hits, just walk over to the jar and take out a ticket. At the end of the night, have him help you count the tickets. Try to focus on successes, such as fewer tickets today versus yesterday. Tell him how strong he is getting and how hard it is for anyone to break habits.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 01 2021, 4:16 pm

One time, I was teaching music in a class with a kindergarten teacher who was one of the great ones.

As I was packing up, one leibedik boy picked up a toy, and threw it towards another leibedik boy.

The morah swooped in, and took the target's hands in both of hers.

"Tzaddik!", she cried. "I'm SO proud of you!"

Kid #2, who had been reaching to chuck the toy back, harder, at his aggressor, looked surprised.

"Such control!", she crowed. "I saw how he threw that, and how much you wanted to throw it back, but look how you stopped yourself, and did the right thing!"

Kid #2 looked as proud as could be. An important lesson was taught to both kids.

Nimshal -- watch your DS as closely as you can. Try to use distraction, and praise for doing the right thing (even under your guiding hand) as much as possible.

Sweeten the deal with a chart and a good prize.

The key is to break the habit.

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