Proper reaction to kid who calls me names

amother

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 7:24 am

When my ds gets upset about a rule I make (such as no junk until after dinner, or kids cannot pour cookie crumbs into their yogurt- only mommy can because I don’t want a huge mess, etc) he starts calling me names, like poopy head, and saying he hates me and I’m the worst mommy and he x wants to live here. What should my response be?
(For now I calmly state - after numerous insults, not just the first one- that if he repeats it he will get x privilege taken away.)

amother

Teal

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 7:30 am

My 6 year old dd does this. After validating her feelings I usually tell her to please stop because she’s hurting my feelings and it’s not nice to talk that way. If that still doesn’t work I tell her I am going to take a timeout.

Iymnok

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 7:31 am

Validate his upset and ignore the insults. He is learning to express himself. He needs the words to keep it on his own feelings instead.
If you threaten a consequence, dp not forget to keep your word.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 7:35 am

Iymnok wrote:

Exactly.

I would say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I still love you." and then leave it at that.

Success10

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 7:41 am

I'm sure some will disagree with me, but I would honestly pretend I didn't hear, or just smile and not let it get to me. I think in this generation, small kids insult and even hit their parents. It's a sad reality, but I don't think I would spend too much aggravation on trying to educate them otherwise. I would just show them it has no real effect on me and daven they grow out of it.

amother

Teal

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 7:50 am

Success10 wrote:

I definitely do this sometimes but I don’t think it’s ok to do every time...

#BestBubby

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 8:16 am

At a different time I would teach child how to express feelings respectfully.

I am so upset. I really want X...

I will teach that the Torah forbids Ona'as Devorim.

If child speaks distespectfully I would ask him to say that again NICELY. I would not validate feelings expressed disrespectfully.

If child continues to be disrespectful I would give a consequence.

Important to stay calm and NOT say you are hurt or angry. Thats what child wants.

amother

Lotus

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 8:34 am

I would probably say "It sounds like you are upset. That is ok to be upset but we do not call each other names in our family."

If he would keep at it for a few minutes, I would ask him to leave the room. And escort him out if necessary.

oneofakind

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 8:37 am

" You are really upset. You wanted x and Mommy didn't let. Say, Mommy I'm very angry that you dont let." Sometimes after hearing that, they calm down.

amother

NeonPink

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 8:40 am

I usually agree with my child. It helps him calm down much faster than if I punish him.
Example:
Child: you're a poopy head!!! (my child says worse words)
Me: yeah, a total poopyhead!!!!!
Child: you're a bad mother!
Me: a bad bad bad mother!!!!

amother

Milk

Mon, Jun 07 2021, 9:31 am

actually I do the agreeing thing too sometimes. at other times, I also just model how to talk.

it just turns it into silliness and I feel that it teaches kids how to manage their feelings not just how to express them. I think it shows them how not to become very insulted or upset at every dumb thing people say. I was an extremely sensitive child, and I think it would have been helpful for me to learn how to brush things off.