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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Dd 16 yo is very chutzpah to me
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amother
Mintgreen


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 4:16 pm
keym wrote:
But cooking supper is not "extra" for a mother. A child deserves a nutritious cooked supper and doesn't need to do anything for that- it's what the mother essentially agreed to do when she brought the child into the world.
Extra would baking DD favorite cookies.


yeah for an 8 yr old. maybe. na not even.

def not a 16 yr old who is horribly abusive. if there is food in the house she can make something for herself. I wouldnt prepare a hearty meal for someone screaming at me.

Look I love my kids dearly and do a tremendous amount for them. BH they are respectful sweet kids but I never made any agreements when I had them that dinner is going to be a home cooked hot meal. Sometimes it is and sometimes its fish sticks, yogurt, or cereal.

where do imamothers get these crazy ideas from?

either way, dont really know why we are arguing about it. the OP already said she is not stopping to cook for her dd.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 4:32 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
You don't have to sit back and take abuse.

It may not stop the abuse but it will EMPOWER OP to not just be a victim.

Don't talk to her, Don't give her any $$$ for clothes, Don't Chauffer her, Don't do her laundry,
Don't clean her room, Don't give her a cell phone, Don't pay for Camp,

Tell her when she stops the Bullying, then we can resume the relationship.

But it is important to get DH on board before you do this - or he will give her $$$.


I disagree with this approach. She will start a power struggle & fuel the fire even more & she might lose her dgtr altogether.

She doesn't have to take the abuse, but she can go with a positive approach and say "when you are ready to speak respectfully, then I will be ready to listen to what you have to say or what bothers you!

By threatening her daughter that she won't cook, shop for her etc. Her dgtr might just spite her & say I don't need you to...and might run away or become rebellious etc.
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gamanit




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 4:38 pm
dankbar wrote:
I disagree with this approach. She will start a power struggle & fuel the fire even more & she might lose her dgtr altogether.

She doesn't have to take the abuse, but she can go with a positive approach and say "when you are ready to speak respectfully, then I will be ready to listen to what you have to say or what bothers you!

By threatening her daughter that she won't cook, shop for her etc. Her dgtr might just spite her & say I don't need you to...and might run away or become rebellious etc.


Agreed
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amother
Freesia


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 5:27 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
How about DLKZ, since you obviously don't know what you're talking about. There's no need to be mean to someone who obviously suffered much more than she deserved to during her childhood.


Yeh we were the teens who also walked all over our mother. We were awful. And she was horridly overwhelmed and what we saw as pitiful. As full grown adults we all treat her with a tremendous amount of respect. Not because she started standing up for herself etc....but because WE grew up and matured and worked through our issues. We maintain boundries when needed.
I don't know this doesn't sit right and we went through extreme abuse. We suffered in unimaginable ways but not an excuse as an adult.
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amother
Pear


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 6:47 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
What power do I have over OP, that can be abused and make the relationship between us abusive?

I have tried only to help. Maybe I have not said everything in the most gentle way possible, but that doesn't make me abusive.

And, if you are going to call me out as abusive - which is name-calling and trying to dirty my image, then at least do it under your screen name. Also, telling me to "go away" is really immature and probably also goes against the rules. Personal attacks just aren't okay.

I am anonymous because I put too many personal details into my posts. What's your reason?

BTW reading someone's private stuff - even your teenage child's - is a big issue.


You may mean well but you're projecting YOUR pain. Interrogating and criticizing the OP is not helpful and comes across as aggressive and hurtful. I hope you find healing in your own situation.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:04 pm
amother [ Pear ] wrote:
You may mean well but you're projecting YOUR pain. Interrogating and criticizing the OP is not helpful and comes across as aggressive and hurtful. I hope you find healing in your own situation.

Regardless calling me abusive was way out of line. There's no excuse for it.
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snowflake1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:25 pm
Does your daughter have a teacher that she was close with?
If yes, it may be helpful for you to speak with her to try to understand your daughter a little more so you can know what a good starting point is.
Also, it is imperative that you get professional help from someone that understands teenagers really well.
You have obviously gone through a tremendous amount of trauma and pain and this is reflected in your relationships
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amother
Mintgreen


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:38 pm
amother [ Freesia ] wrote:
Yeh we were the teens who also walked all over our mother. We were awful. And she was horridly overwhelmed and what we saw as pitiful. As full grown adults we all treat her with a tremendous amount of respect. Not because she started standing up for herself etc....but because WE grew up and matured and worked through our issues. We maintain boundries when needed.
I don't know this doesn't sit right and we went through extreme abuse. We suffered in unimaginable ways but not an excuse as an adult.


I'm gonna say the same thing to you as I did to the other chochom who thinks they know what they're talking about.

My point was very specific to the OP. People respect those who respect themselves. My family situation was an example. It was not intended for online armchair therapists to comment on when they have zero information or context. If you knew even half the story you would feel like a complete idiot for even thinking you have a right to an opinion where no asked for it.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 7:51 pm
amother [ Mintgreen ] wrote:
I'm gonna say the same thing to you as I did to the other chochom who thinks they know what they're talking about.

My point was very specific to the OP. People respect those who respect themselves. My family situation was an example. It was not intended for online armchair therapists to comment on when they have zero information or context. If you knew even half the story you would feel like a complete idiot for even thinking you have a right to an opinion where no asked for it.

This is exactly my problem. With all my accomplishments I don’t have self esteem. Dh didn’t help with my self esteem even though we are the prominent people in our community. Looking back I always had friends who took advantage of me. I got dh to stop abusing now I need to feel good about myself and be assertive that dd would not walk all over me. Everyone tells me that.
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amother
Mintgreen


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 8:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This is exactly my problem. With all my accomplishments I don’t have self esteem. Dh didn’t help with my self esteem even though we are the prominent people in our community. Looking back I always had friends who took advantage of me. I got dh to stop abusing now I need to feel good about myself and be assertive that dd would not walk all over me. Everyone tells me that.


It's not easy to change your personality. I really agree with those who said to go to therapy for yourself so you can learn the skills to stand up politely and firmly for yourself.

I wish you all the very best and hope you find a way to do this both for yourself and for your daughter.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 8:06 pm
I think OP is leaving a lot out of this story.
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amother
Freesia


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 8:08 pm
amother [ Mintgreen ] wrote:
I'm gonna say the same thing to you as I did to the other chochom who thinks they know what they're talking about.

My point was very specific to the OP. People respect those who respect themselves. My family situation was an example. It was not intended for online armchair therapists to comment on when they have zero information or context. If you knew even half the story you would feel like a complete idiot for even thinking you have a right to an opinion where no asked for it.


Mint op's daughter is hurting for whatever reason. Maybe it's psychological, maybe its a clash in personality and the op's parenting style, maybe it's repressed memories.

The point is op needs help figuring how to parent this child. What does respect to you mean? Should op stand up in her daughter's face? Should she take away basic needs? Take away extras? Should she be nasty back?

I don't know if you have been through the parenting stage of teens but it's quite a ride. Op needs help from a professional to guide her in parenting this specific teen, as many bright ima's have already pionted out.

Truly wishing you only the best in sorting through your familial issues.
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amother
DarkGray


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 9:05 pm
Do you yell back at DD?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 9:16 pm
amother [ DarkGray ] wrote:
Do you yell back at DD?

No.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 9:26 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No.

Wow, good for you! How do you do that? I have an extremely chutzpadik 11 year old, and as much as I try to remain calm, mostly I end up yelling back (which of course makes it a lot worse and uglier bec neither of us want to back down). Hugs! I am so sorry you are going through what you are. You are certainly a role model for self-control!
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 10:28 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
Regardless calling me abusive was way out of line. There's no excuse for it.


Many other posters called you out for this as well without using the word abusive and you attacked them back.

You may be trying to help op, but clearly you are going about it wrong. This thread may be too triggering for you. Maybe leave it for a bit.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 10:49 pm
OP says that the community sided with her husband when dd was a baby. It might be though that people/friends from community are now telling the girl about her awful mom, although it might not be true, but That's what gossip they heard. She might believe them, or is embarrassed with her mom/or everyone talking about her mom/or brainwashed that she is not ok/or being hurt by being bullied/harassed by community.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 16 2021, 10:57 pm
Also if husband is putting down wife, this brings no respect to mom. She might just be mimicking husbands words. Some kids will side with mom & some with dad, especially if she has nature of dad
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rubyred




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 12:56 am
Perhaps sit down with your daughter and offer to tell her what went down with you and your husband…but only in a therapist’s office. I’m sure she is curious and has probably heard the word on the street about what happened. I do not agree with any of the posters about withholding motherly care from DD. She is obviously hurting and confused and needs all the love she can get. Instead of beating up herself, she beats up you OP. I would continue doing as you are doing and wait until she is willing to talk. Meanwhile, seek a therapist for yourself so you can deal with her hurt and anger better. One approach I see hasn’t been tried is to tell her how she makes you feel when she says a mean thing to you. Maybe telling her how much her comment hurt you will break down some barriers.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 17 2021, 11:57 am
amother [ Mintgreen ] wrote:
I dont see it as getting even. I see it as cause and effect. You are rude to someone so they don't do extras for you. Basic respect.

Obviously if dinner is being made for the whole family, you don't exclude them from taking food.


I think a parent/child relationship is different than other relationships. If my neighbor is rude to me, I'm not gonna be chummy with them. But if my child is rude, I don't stop being the parent. And I need to find out what's going on that's causing them to behave like that, all while I continue being the parent. Which includes doing all the things that a parent does.

If dinner was being made for the whole family, she wouldn't be excluded. And if right now, as the youngest, she IS the whole family, that's not her fault, and she should be treated the same way, with the same dinner, as she'd get if there'd be other siblings at home.
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