They can say No | Imamother

dankbar

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 1:40 am

This thread is not anon enabled so I can't write about the weird & awful favors people have asked me/or to borrow/or the weirdest boundaries people have put while doing a chesed towards me either/ Or the no boundaries, my guests or others had in my home.
I'll just say this, some things are just not ok to ask. You need to use common sense.
When someone is in crisis, they should definitely reach out.
From all my experiences, I had to learn to say no, sometimes, which didn't come naturally to me

SuperWify

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 4:00 am

DVOM wrote:

Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

Saying no is not something that has always been easy for me, but I'm getting better and better at it.

One thing I've gotten really good at is asking very detailed questions about the favors I'm asked and putting boundaries on my 'yeses'. Often I can (happily, comfortably, joyfully, without resentment) do part of the favor asked. One sister comes for Shabbos often. Another sister got into the habit of asking to send her kids along too. I love hosting family, but I find kids coming for a whole weekend without their parents to be overwhelming. So I offer instead to have the other sibling for Shabbos too, but only if the parents will come along (they usually say no. They don't like to travel, but love sending their kids out.). I will often team up with another neighbor when making a dinners for a woman who had a new baby so that we each only need to be responsible for part of the meal.

Another relative often comes for Shabbos and likes to stay for Sunday so that she can do errands and shopping in my town. The assumption is that I'll watch her kids for her, or that her husband will watch her kids while she shops. Problem is, her husband often goes to sleep while she's out. I've started being very clear about what I can and can't offer. ("We'd love to have you for Shabbos, but I'd like a clean and quiet house on Sunday. If your planning on staying over to do errands, please make arrangements out of the house for your kids or take them shopping with you.")

Another relative used to ask pretty often if it would be helpful to me to have her kids for Shabbos (as they play so nicely with mine, are great entertainment). I said no thanks, politely, many times before finally making a firm and blanket statement that I don't find having other people's kids over for the weekend helpful AT ALL, and if she'd like to be helpful to me, she's welcome to have my kids at her house. That stopped those 'offers' pretty well.

Wow! I’m impressed with the boundaries you placed! Kudos to you!

zaq

Fri, Jun 18 2021, 8:47 am

SuperWify wrote:

Wow! I’m impressed with the boundaries you placed! Kudos to you!

And I'm impressed--but not in a good way--by the creative ways people find to impose on others under the guise of doing them a favor. Really, they think that sending their children to someone's house for a Shabbat "so they can entertain her children" is doing her a favor? Only if the "child" is Billy Crystal.