Neighbor Banned Her Daughter From Playing in Our Home

amother

DarkPurple

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 1:07 pm

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

I would think it’s asking for problems to let her daughter visit only on shabbos. It’s confusing to the kid and will probably lead to resentment anyway. “No you can’t stay for havdalah. That’s when her Totty and Mommy run for the smartphones.”

In any case posters here have to be honest with themselves. There are some parents who would not let there kids visit a house where the parents scream at the kids even if the friend would never be screamed at. These parents feel that they have a healthy relationship with their kids and give large amounts of undivided attention and don’t want their kids in a home where the kids compete with their parents phones for attention.

From my experience a parent that does thins a whole week doesn’t suddenly turn into super attentive Totty and mommy on shabbos either. They are often restless or finding other distractions rather than focusing on the kids for 24 hours. Habits are hard to break.

Aren't most yeshivas on summer break right now? How are you on imamother? You appear to have turned away from your kids for a few minutes. Are you this inattentive all the time? Habits are hard to break.

I wish I knew who you were. I'd never allow my kids into the home of someone who is so inattentive. Not to mention obviously tethered to a computer (presumably not where the kids can see it).

Can't Believe It

amother

DarkPurple

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 1:09 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

A tablet with a filter approved by my children's school which is never taken in public and is for work but obviously using it here for personal reasons which is wrong but I have discussed with a rav. I don't have any social media accounts and can't view pictures online. Shopping is blocked. I have to call in every 2 weeks to unblock whatsapp voice notes. My neighbors don't know I have a tablet but if they did and don't allow their children here that is fine by me. My children will never touch it. I have a kosher cellphone.

I don't know how to break it to you, but imamother is social media.

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 1:34 pm

amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote:

But the parents can also assure you that there will be no TV, secular music or video game playing when your kids are over. So there is literally no difference.

One of my kids had a friend who didn't keep kosher. The mother asked her over for lunch. She bought new jars of peanut butter and jelly, heckshered bread, and used a plastic knife and paper plates.

No, the parents can't assure that which is why they're understanding and not insulted by neighbors not going there to play. The mother says that she can turn it off herself but she can't control what her teens or husband do, so she can't promise it will never be on when neighbors are over. She always knew and expected that most neighbors won't allow their kids to play there.

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 1:34 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I guess this attitude answers my question about why the mother couldn't just discuss her concerns with me and seeing if I could accommodate her before banning her daughter. She doesn't really care if I keep my phone in a locked room when friends are over or not. There's nothing I can do that would allow her child to enter my house of depravity, so of course it wouldn't occur to her to talk to me. The point is that in her mind I'm obviously tainted, impure, a neglectful parent, a bad influence. Even on Shabbos I must be lusting for Whatsapp and dreaming about Amazon Prime. In her mind she doesn't need any proof because she has all the proof necessary by the fact that I possess a smartphone. BTW I can almost guarantee that she doesn't care whether my husband has one.

After speaking to my husband about it again this morning, we have decided not to discuss this with the mother. She has proven by her actions (banning without discussion AND telling her ten year old the reason) that she does not have seichel and good Midos. There is no use talking to people like that, it can only make things worse.

Hi OP.

Twice I had neighbors who did not allow their children to play in my home. Neither one was smartphone/technology related.

One was a very perfect person who ran a very perfect home. Her DD was in DD's kindergarten class and they lived around the corner. She loved when DD came over - she told me how nicely DD played and kept her DD and her younger child entertained. The one time her DD came over one Shabbos, my SN brother was our guest. When she came to pick them up, I saw this look (sort of horrified) on her face when she saw my brother (who is a gentle soul who wouldn't hurt a fly). After that there were all these excuses whenever I invited her DD over, it was all about, why don't they play by my house, I love when she comes over to us. I guess she decided my house wasn't safe enough, there are no SN individuals in her little bubble. I decided my DD, who was a sought-after playmate by many people, had no need for this type of friend, and I declined the invites and let the friendship die down.

Another was a neighborhood child from a different Hashkafa then us. She informed DD that her parents did not allow her to play by our house - only outside. The friendship kind of trickled out because of that. DD had other fish to fry B"H.

OP, find your DD other friends. Why waste time with a friendship like that? I'm sure there are others who will gladly play in your home. You don't have to encourage this friendship if it doesn't work for your own terms.

amother

DarkPurple

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 1:35 pm

amother [ Hawthorn ] wrote:

I don't think so. Social media is Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, whatsapp, where pictures, videos, stories, and status are being shared. Faces are being shown. Imamother is like a texting chat. No faces, talking, pictures, videos....

You'd be wrong.

Social media is nothing more than use of the internet to create and share content or to participate in social networking.

Oh, and you can post pictures here.

Not mine, but darned cute:

amother

Khaki

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 1:42 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Not all kids can find friendships so easily. It's nice your dd was so flexible and was fine with you letting a friendship peter out. But most kids aren't like that.

I wouldn't let my dd suffer just to make a point to the parents. I would let my dd continue the friendship, outside or at their house. I would also make my values very clear to my dd, and probably let her know that I thoroughly disapprove of what the other mother did. But I would tell her not to let it get in the way of their friendship.

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 2:59 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

I have found it to be a wasted effort to pursue a friendship that the other parents don't want. I wouldn't make a child suffer - if she wants to go out and play with the other girl, sure, go ahead. But at the same time I would gently encourage other friendships and direct her to spend time with other girls, invite them over, etc..., as my child is likely to get more out of friendships that both families are happy and comfortable with.

CPenzias

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 4:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree with you 100% that she has bad middos because even if she disagrees with the smartphone (which I don't understand unless you're watching p0rn all day long but that's another story) she should have said something to you instead of leaving you feeling so bad.
L"h is an aveira for the people speaking and the one who's being spoken about... she is rude and I wouldn’t cry over it. She's not worth it

Lovable

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 5:01 pm

CPenzias wrote:

how can you be so quick to make such harsh assumptions about someone you never met? There are two sides to every story. Never forget that
You can validate OP but no need to label someone you never met based on an an anonymous post on Ima mother.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 6:43 pm

I posted upthread about why banning is ridiculous but I will add this one story that I just remembered. I was banned as a kid by one of my neighbors. Eventually they realized they were in the wrong and her parents asked mechila from my parents. This was years later and our friendship was long over. Her parents to this day try to ‘make it up’ to me and I see how they try extra hard to say nice things to me whenever they see me. (Which is maybe once a year.) Luckily both my parents and myself are the type of people to not care what people think and none of us were too affected by this story. It’s just a shame that we both had to miss out on a friendship that could’ve been.

amother

Butterscotch

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 6:58 pm

I'm struck by something that we keep reading over and over again in our parshios. Namely, Hashem loves those who stand up for klal yisroel. Even when the Jews do terrible things, worship a golden calf, whatever, Hashem loves those that stand up for them and support them.

We need ahavas chinam. We need to love our fellow neighbors and friends, no matter what "standards" they have. I am disturbed by all the posters that say we have to understand the other side - the other side of telling our children that people are bad. You can ask a parent not to show your daughter a smartphone, but to tell a daughter that someone isn't good enough to be with you is cementing our fractionalism.

My son went to a school with a lot of interesting, unique individuals. I'm sure that same mother would have a reason to refuse to let their child be with any of those kids, and in fact would never dream of sending their child to that school. And yet I'm so proud. Sure, it's scary because the outside world pushes its way into your home, no matter how careful you are. But at least my son is learning how to manage it, and how to care about others. How to be a Moshe Rabbainu. How to be an Aharon. How to be a Rabbi Yitzchak Dovid Grossman. That's the skill I'd want him to possess.

amother

Thistle

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 7:02 pm

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

And in the end, they are the ones left with the regret and feelings of guilt. Good for you and your parents for holding your head high. Life is truly a circle like a wheel, and people don't stay on the top (or bottom) forever. Arrogance never pays. And yes, there is a tinge of arrogance in a woman who gives over such a proclamation to her daughter with no care about it being repeated word for word to op's daughter. If all she truly cared about was sheltering her daughter, she would have been way more vague or had a different excuse.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 7:21 pm

amother [ Butterscotch ] wrote:

This is well meaning but misguided. We can love others even if we aren’t comfortable with their choices but it doesn’t mean we can’t have any gedarim and must all share the lowest common denominator. Would you take teenage OTD boys to live in your house and expose your teenage daughters? Of course not. But it doesn’t mean you don’t love those boys. Love doesn’t mean a melting pot. The Gemara talks about the greatest chachamim who wouldn’t accept an invitation to an event unless they knew who they were seated next to.

The Rambam says that one will almost invariably end up following in the ways of those he associated with and therefore a person should carefully choose his associations.

As far as having a problem with the neighbors way of life and chinuch for her kids, I think everyone here will acknowledge that there are numerous rabbanim who would advise the neighbor not to expose her kid to a home with a smartphone. They may not be your Rav but they are talmidei chachamim and have earned their right to their psak.

The ahavas China’s that is frequently mentioned here means you may not agree with those rabbanim and that way of life but you can love her and accept that some Jews can have different standards then you and you can appreciate them for it even if those standards aren’t for you.