Neighbor Banned Her Daughter From Playing in Our Home

imorethanamother

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 10:24 pm

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

I was referring to taking OTD boys into a house with teenage girls in the guise of ahavas chinam to demonstrate that ahavas chinam is not limitless.

Reading comprehension is a valuable skill.

Since the discussion is about smartphones and barring your kids from playing with those that have it, I'm wondering why you're bringing up "OTD boys" into a "house of teenage girls". I don't even understand where you're going with this. Sure, if we make up hypothetical situations, we can all argue for moments you might want to avoid.

Since no one mentioned bringing OTD boys into their houses (which, actually, I have. It worked out fine. A lot of these guys come from really broken homes, most are just really sweet and lost.), can we get back on topic?

imorethanamother

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 10:25 pm

CPenzias wrote:

She didn't give us a chance to meet her did she? She wouldn't give me the time of day because I'm using my smartphone to type this message right now. She makes assumptions about smart phone users, I can make assumptions about her.

I know. Isn't it weird? When a woman judges someone for having a smartphone, it's all "well you gotta understand that people have standards."

But when we say that they're being stupid, it's all, "stop judging others!!!" It's hilarious.

amother

Marigold

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 10:28 pm

I don't understand why you are so hurt. Not trying to discount how you feel.

Every family is allowed to make rules for their own kids. Why do you feel it is personal? On the contrary it ISNT personal, it's related to hashkafa/devices. Just like you may not allow your child to play at just anyone's house. You have standards for your child's physical emotional and spiritual wellbeing, so can she.

CPenzias

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 10:31 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

I said someone was being stupid? I must have missed that... or you're putting words into my mouth 👄.
Regardless, people are entitled to have standards. Like I said initially, she has issues with mitzvos between each other (bein adam lechaveiro) and should have said something to the op instead of speaking to her daughter about the op. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Is she stupid? I have no idea. I never met her. Is she mean and have messed up priorities? I believe she does based on what I heard about her...

amother

Teal

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 10:53 pm

OP I completely understand your hurt feelings. I have a similar situation (worse in my opinion ) where we got a dog and the neighbour no longer let their children play in our house because “we are like a non jewish family” (that’s what they told their children )
It’s very painful but on the other hand people are completely allowed to make their own decisions regarding their children’s chinuch and you should put your feelings aside to respect their decision.

naturalmom5

Mon, Jun 21 2021, 11:55 pm

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

Sad that so many people can’t even see the other side. People who sacrifice yo have a technology free home don’t want their children hanging around homes with technology. There is going to be inevitable exposure at some point and these parents have a right to do what’s they feel is best for their kids.

I hear they are sending a manned mission to Mars to see if its possible to colonize

That will solve 2 problems

The high costs of homes in lakewood

You can build an even more insular place there

wif

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:05 am

The replies here break my heart. Jewish mothers! Since when did trying to create and maintain the sanctity of our homes and keep the outside world--well, outside, become such a contentious topic? Those mothers making the tough choices to not follow the trend that everyone else is following when it comes to devices and technology should be applauded!

Personal confession: I have been slowly and painfully over the last few years getting rid of my personal escapes on the internet. YouTube was the first, then facebook and the like. And it is hard, boy! At this point, imamother is basically my only internet-based guilty pleasure other than wikipedia, and I thought it was ok. A time sucker, to be sure, but fellow frum women from across the spectrum of Judaism; very different from the mores of the outside world seeping into my head and heart via shows and social media!

I'm rethinking it now, though, because of the ridicule, the vitriol, on this thread, towards women who are trying their best to do their best for their own families, and I truly feel like crying.

Last edited by wif on Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:26 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Fern

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:09 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm shaken and hurt and very raw right now so please respond accordingly.

A new family moved into my neighborhood this year and one of their daughters became friendly with my ten year old daughter. She's a very sweet girl and I'm happy for them to be friends. I don't know the mother well at all beyond a "hi, how are you?" when we are both passing each other by. She seems very normal and friendly.
A few weeks ago, the girl stopped coming to our house, saying that her mother doesn't let her. They continued to play in the neighborhood or in other neighbor's houses. I didn't ask too much about it because I didn't want to call attention to it if my daughter doesn't realize on her own what's going on.
Anyway, today my daughter told me that the friend told her that the reason why she is not allowed in our house is because I have a smartphone. The friend made her promise not to tell me the reason, but thank goodness my daughter knows not to keep secrets.
I am stunned.

I considered calling the mother and figuring out how to make this work, but I don't want to for two reasons: 1. I am so hurt and angry that she didn't reach out to me before banning her daughter from my house. She could have called me and asked me to not use the phone around her daughter, or not allow her daughter to see it, or whatever she personally feels is right for her chinuch. The fact that she had no problem about just banning my home is so hurtful. I'm not sure I can control myself if I spoke to her. I just may burst into tears. 2. She doesn't allow her daughter to come over on shabbos either, so it seems that it's not about the phone. We are somehow 'tainted' by the fact that I own one.
My husband wants to tell my kids that they are not allowed in that neighbor's house either. I can see the appeal but I'm not sure it would be helpful to the situation or my daughter's hurt feelings.

Have you ever dealt with such a situation? Is there anything I can do about it?

My neighbor who gets multiple packages a day at her door, obviously she has access to somewhere, banned her kid from coming over . Her reason? Your kids watch twins if france.well a week before my kids watched something at hers...

amother

Yarrow

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 3:56 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

I hear they are sending a manned mission to Mars to see if its possible to colonize

That will solve 2 problems

The high costs of homes in lakewood

You can build an even more insular place there

That’s what was said to jewish mothers a century ago who tried to cover their hair, keep Shabbos, and taharas hamishpacha, and refused to assimilate:
Freaks, mental [slow people], why don’t you go to the moon? You can keep Shabbos there.

Sad that women who were in Bais Yaakov a short time ago can’t even appreciate and acknowledge real sacrifice even if they aren’t holding there.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 4:02 am

amother [ Teal ] wrote:

Your dog will make a much more loving, faithful, and loyal companion than your neighbors ever will.

When my ex left me, I got a dog. I think I got the better end of the bargain. 🐶

sequoia

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 4:12 am

wif wrote:

When you read the Monsey safety thread, and many many others, you can see that being sheltered doesn’t keep out evil. So why is getting rid of fb the most important thing you can do for your family?

wif

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 5:22 am

sequoia wrote:

Some car accidents are made worse because people are wearing seatbelts. Sad, but true. I'm still going to make sure that my kids are wearing seatbelts, though.

And I never said it's the most important thing I can do for my family. I do many, many things for my family. Getting off of Facebook is of them.

chanchy123

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 5:40 am

amother [ Yarrow ] wrote:

Ok- you honestly believe that keeping Shabbat is the same as not allowing your child to play at the home of a woman who owns a smartphone?
I agree that people are entitled to their boundaries, but you have serious issues if you think that a Jewish mother who does not let her child play in a house where the mother has a smartphone is in a my way on the madrega of my great great grandparents who were literally moser nefesh to continue being shomer Mitzvot in America of the late 19 century early 20th century.
This is delusional and entitled.

wif

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 5:53 am

chanchy123 wrote:

1. You are confusing debating with hurling personal insults.

2. Yes. People who are keeping technology out of their homes for the sake of the sanctity of their homes are being moser nefesh. Very much so.

3. Yes. It is entitled. As in, they are entitled to raise their children how they want to. Just like you are.

chanchy123

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 7:04 am

wif wrote:

2. Yes. People who are keeping technology out of their homes for the sake of the sanctity of their homes are being moser nefesh. Very much so.

They might be moser nefesh but in no way is this comparable with being moser nefesh for keeping mitzvot - it just is not.
It is completely forbidden to violate the halachot of Shabbat, while there is nothing inherently against Judaism in using technology in the home or out of it - it simply cannot be considered in the same category and it cheapens the sacrifices our forefathers made in order to keep the basic tenets of Judaism.
Not only that, by making such comparisons, you are painting almost all Imamother posters, and many many many shomer Torah Imitzvot, Yirei Shamayim communities and individuals with the same brush as those Jews who assimilated in the early 20th century.
These things are in no way comparable.

amother

Khaki

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 7:13 am

sequoia wrote:

This. Shunning people who are a little bit different than you isnt going to keep evil out of your communities.
Much wiser to look inwards and see how many people with the full levush may not be as harmless as you think.