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My first girl- help please
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 10:08 am
My oldest daughter is turning ten and she's started developing buds (no real breast tissue yet) as well as some acne on her nose. I also noticed she's gained some weight on her belly (all normal age appropriate things bh)

We've had the period/bra talk and we will continue to talk about these things but I'd like some advice from seasoned mom's of girls. I don't want to screw this up.

What do I tell her about the acne? What do I answer her or do if she wants it gone or is self conscious of it. I remember having a lot of acne and being shlepped to different skin doctors and putting creams. And when I could put on make up on I slathered myself in it.

Also I've introduced her to undershirts but she doesn't like wearing an extra layer. How do I explain to her that it's now time to wear an extra layer?

Any other advice or tips for sensitively navigating this stage with my daughter?
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amother
Impatiens


 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 10:58 am
I would encourage crop tops as next stage of "growing up". But don't push hard. Maybe suggest "let's go shopping together for crop tops and then go for milkshakes." She's still very young.
I showed my girls then wonder of becoming u book. Let them read it and then have a chat after "any questions? Or anything you found especially interesting? etc. Don't forget I'm always here for you for questions or anything you are not sure of."

My girls always knew where the book was in my room and asked toner read it (often on a Friday night) just to refresh.
They all especially found comforting the chapter on emotions (rollercoaster etc)

Now's the time to remind her of tsnius and privacy and how girls develop at different times so best not to discuss at school or with a groups of friends rather with mom for now. But it's not a secret BC it's bad or anything rather its so special and beautiful and private.

Hope some of this helps.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 11:11 am
With my daughters I gave them a few options of layers and let them choose. There are undershirts, camis, half undershirts, etc. Take her to a store/look online and let her choose. Explain that it is time to wear another layer but she can decide what is most comfortable for her. Be prepared to shell out some extra cash so she has several things to try, even though she'll likely settle on one favorite style. This same advice applies when it's time for her training bras and again for her first real bras.

As for acne, I don't make a big deal out of it but I encourage my daughters to remember to wash their face with special blackhead face soap. Again it's a matter of trial and error, since they might not like the smell of one or prefer a bar over a cream soap or one might be too drying etc. You can tell your daughter if her acne bothers her than you're happy to take her to a dermatologist, but really I wouldn't say much of anything other than reminding her that as she grows older she needs to use special products like soap specifically for her face and, soon enough when the time is right, deodorant.
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 11:39 am
I wasn't planning to say anything about the acne but she has started to notice and I was wondering what to say when she does bring it up. I want her to feel beautiful not self conscious.
She wears deodorant already.
We talked about periods and maturing, she knows she can ask me anything etc. She's still fighting me on the undershirts/camis/crop tops. How do I explain that it's time for that second layer?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 11:47 am
lamplighter wrote:
I wasn't planning to say anything about the acne but she has started to notice and I was wondering what to say when she does bring it up. I want her to feel beautiful not self conscious.
She wears deodorant already.
We talked about periods and maturing, she knows she can ask me anything etc. She's still fighting me on the undershirts/camis/crop tops. How do I explain that it's time for that second layer?


There is nothing wrong with being matter of fact, and letting her know that her breast development is showing through her clothes. If you don't say something, eventually the school will, and she'll be mortified!

As for the acne, tell her that everyone goes through this. Use very gentle soap, and tell her to not pick at it or scrub it, because it will only get worse. Have her use jojoba oil every night. It will not clog pores, as a matter of fact it actually cleans them out. It will keep her face from overproducing oil and sebum, without drying everything out.

Stay away from astringents at all costs. They will suck all the natural protection out of your skin, and make your body freak out and produce more oil than ever. It's a vicious cycle.

Same thing with shampoo. Gentle shampoo daily is better than a harsh shampoo that will strip all the oil out of her hair (leaving it frizzy and broken.)
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 11:53 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
There is nothing wrong with being matter of fact, and letting her know that her breast development is showing through her clothes. If you don't say something, eventually the school will, and she'll be mortified!


That brings me back...when I was in middle school, concerned parents talked to my mom about my breast buds and that's when I started wearing bras!

What is the undershirt requirement, I don't understand? Is it a pre-bra thing, is it for tops that don't cover enough?
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 12:14 pm
An undershirt is hotter than a training bra. Why can't she just wear that? I remember wearing undershirts instead of bras and hating it. I wish my mother would have bought me a bra earlier
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 12:17 pm
I don't know how kids are today but in my days if you wore a training bra early girls made fun ofyou. You can see the shape of it through clothing. So undershirts are a way of not sticking out and a way for girls to feel more comfortable if they aren't ready for a training bra yet.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 6:50 pm
Following-same issue of dd needing an extra layer but now wanting it.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 7:47 pm
Didn’t realize undershirts was meant for older kids only? All my kids wear from age 2 and it’s second nature to them. My dd now wears a built in bra cami undershirt (age 10) so she won’t feel different from her friends
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 8:25 pm
lamplighter wrote:
I wasn't planning to say anything about the acne but she has started to notice and I was wondering what to say when she does bring it up. I want her to feel beautiful not self conscious.
She wears deodorant already.
We talked about periods and maturing, she knows she can ask me anything etc. She's still fighting me on the undershirts/camis/crop tops. How do I explain that it's time for that second layer?

Follow Teomima's advice about options. Gently point out that her chest has been growing, she's turning into a beautiful lady, and it's time to wear something to smooth it out or the shirts will reveal too much. *ETA explain that a growing chest is beautiful, show her that yours isn't hidden, just that the nipples are kept private.*
Have her start by trying on one of the undershirts she already has under a thin tee and show her (first how beautiful she looks) how it looks in the mirror. Then ask her to wear the tee without the undershirt and have her see if she can tell what you mean.
Once she's come to terms with it, you can have her try on options.
BTW if she's sensory (and small) I can link the butter soft camis that my sensory daughter wore for a long time until she needed support (she couldn't handle the undershirts).


Last edited by ra_mom on Sun, Jun 20 2021, 8:50 pm; edited 2 times in total
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 8:27 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
Didn’t realize undershirts was meant for older kids only? All my kids wear from age 2 and it’s second nature to them. My dd now wears a built in bra cami undershirt (age 10) so she won’t feel different from her friends

Some kids are so sensory they just can't seem to get used to them and by the time they're in preschool have done away with them entirely. It does pose to be a difficulty when it's time for another layer as they mature and they're not used to wearing anything.
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lamplighter




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 8:28 pm
ra_mom wrote:
Follow Teomima's advice about options. Gently point out that her chest has been growing, she's turning into a beautiful lady, and it's time to wear something to smooth it out or the shirts will reveal too much.
Have her start by trying on one of the undershirts she already has under a thin tee and show her (first how beautiful she looks) how it looks in the mirror. Then ask her to wear the tee without the undershirt and have her see if she can tell what you mean.
Once she's come to terms with it, you can have her try on options.
BTW if she's sensory (and small) I can link the butter soft camis that my sensory daughter wore for a long time until she needed support (she couldn't handle the undershirts).


Thank you!
Can you please link them?
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 8:35 pm
lamplighter wrote:
Thank you!
Can you please link them?

They are silky smooth.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.....psc=1
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amother
DarkPurple


 

Post Sun, Jun 20 2021, 8:44 pm
Also at the phase of acne starting with my tween.
She is sensory and very particular with soaps and textures and fragrance.
Can anyone recommend any good face wash products - gentle?
And anything to use specifically on acne?

Are there face wipes that would work?
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amother
Honeysuckle


 

Post Tue, Jun 22 2021, 8:50 am
Help! My DD is almost 9 and really needs to start wearing something under her shirts too. She is having such a hard time with it! I tried ra_mom's advice of having her look in the mirror without one, then put one on and see the difference, and she says there's no difference (there is). She says she doesn't want to wear one until she's 13! I bought her undershirts and cami bras in really soft comfy material, she says they hurt and she doesn't like them. What do I do??? She ended up wearing a cami bra today but the whole thing finished in tears and now I feel terrible.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 22 2021, 9:16 am
Ds wears a crop top thingy when she feels that her shirt is thin enough to notice. She knows that she will soon wear them daily, but for now she decides herself. I like that she is making nature decisions on the topic.
I used “ The Wonder of Becoming You” as a beginning. We read it together and I added as I felt was needed and answered her questions.
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amother
Honeysuckle


 

Post Tue, Jun 22 2021, 9:35 am
Iymnok wrote:
Ds wears a crop top thingy when she feels that her shirt is thin enough to notice. She knows that she will soon wear them daily, but for now she decides herself. I like that she is making nature decisions on the topic.


For my DD, really all of her shirts are thin enough to notice (it's summer!). She's either really not getting it or pretending not to get it...
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 22 2021, 9:44 am
amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:
For my DD, really all of her shirts are thin enough to notice (it's summer!). She's either really not getting it or pretending not to get it...

I personally feel it’s not worth the fight.
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amother
RosePink


 

Post Tue, Jun 22 2021, 9:58 am
When you really need a bra, it is more comfortable to wear one than to go unsupported. Training bras, cami-tops and all the rest are aesthetic rather than essential. If a girl is happy wearing one, that's great. If not, it's her choice how to dress. A nine year old is a child. It's possible that she really doesn't see a difference, just because she isn't looking at her body that way.

My mother presented me with a couple of some kind of pre-bra garments, with the comment that maybe I would like to wear one. I didn't like, they stayed in the drawer, and she never said anything. When she needs a bra, she will wear it even without being 'trained'.
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