My first girl- help please

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:13 pm

amother [ RosePink ] wrote:

When you really need a bra, it is more comfortable to wear one than to go unsupported. Training bras, cami-tops and all the rest are aesthetic rather than essential. If a girl is happy wearing one, that's great. If not, it's her choice how to dress. A nine year old is a child. It's possible that she really doesn't see a difference, just because she isn't looking at her body that way.

My mother presented me with a couple of some kind of pre-bra garments, with the comment that maybe I would like to wear one. I didn't like, they stayed in the drawer, and she never said anything. When she needs a bra, she will wear it even without being 'trained'.

I'm not sure I agree with this. I personally am more comfortable wearing a bra than not, but I have a 30 year old sister who still hates wearing bras and actually doesn't wear them around the house anymore.

DD's nipples show right through her shirts, they're thin t-shirts and I feel like it doesn't look appropriate.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:26 pm

A lot of people don't wear a bra in the house, if numerous comments on this site are anything to go by. As a rule one is less active in the house, and it is easier to do without the support. That doesn't mean that one mist be trained to wear a bra properly.

Quote:

DD's nipples show right through her shirts, they're thin t-shirts and I feel like it doesn't look appropriate.

Your post seems to say that it is your problem, not her problem. Buying her some slightly thicker shirts might be one solution.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:33 pm

amother [ RosePink ] wrote:

Your post seems to say that it is your problem, not her problem.

Maybe. Or maybe if I notice it, other adults and maybe even her peers are noticing it too. I don't want her to get comments from others. Wouldn't that be worse than me dealing with it myself?

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:48 pm

amother [ RosePink ] wrote:

Quote:

DD's nipples show right through her shirts, they're thin t-shirts and I feel like it doesn't look appropriate.

Your post seems to say that it is your problem, not her problem. Buying her some slightly thicker shirts might be one solution.

What about if there are older brothers in the house who bring their friends over?

A 14 yo boy might notice nipples poking out of a t-shirt, and yes, that IS the girl's problem. She has to learn that she cannot dress in a certain way anymore because she's not a little child.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 1:53 pm

amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:

Maybe. Or maybe if I notice it, other adults and maybe even her peers are noticing it too. I don't want her to get comments from others. Wouldn't that be worse than me dealing with it myself?

At this stage you are forcing a solution on her when she doesn't see that there is a problem, and by your description it doesn't seem to be a very happy situation. Effectively, you are asking her to wear an extra layer that she finds hot and uncomfortable and that she doesn't perceive that she gains any benefit from it. To you the benefit is that you consider it more appropriate, and you hope to save her from uncomfortable comments.

You have provided a solution. On the other hand, the solution you provide may also expose her to comments. If her shirts are really that thin, her peers can probably discern the outlines of the cami-bra through her shirt, which could equally expose her to comments, especially if no one else is wearing them.

One would hope that adults would have the decency not to say anything to her, whatever they think. It's also possible that you are much more aware of her body than other people are.

I don't think forcing her to wear a pre-bra when she doesn't want to will make it any easier for her to wear a bra when she needs to. And again, a thicker shirt, with a busy pattern might camouflage things and be a much happier solution for both of you this summer.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 2:07 pm

amother [ RosePink ] wrote:

If her shirts are really that thin, her peers can probably discern the outlines of the cami-bra through her shirt, which could equally expose her to comments, especially if no one else is wearing them.

No, the other girls are wearing them. At least many of them are.

I don't know if you're referring to a specific brand when you suggest a thicker shirt? We live OOT and there are like 2 websites that I know of to buy tznius summer t-shirts from. I just spent about $100+ on summer shirts which she likes and doesn't want to throw out, and neither do I, if I even knew where to buy thicker ones...

amother

RosePink

Tue, Jun 22 2021, 2:33 pm

I'm not referring to specific brands. I live in Jerusalem, and don't normally buy on line, nor do I know much about websites. I was just thinking of the kind I buy and that I see around me, which you don't really see nipples (or cami-bras) through.

I think the best thing is to provide her with the option and let her choose for herself what to wear. If you fight it isn't going to make it any easier. Nor is there any benefit to making her feel embarrassed about her body. I always knew I'd have to wear a bra in the end, but I didn't see any point in pre-bras before it was really essential. If my mother had pushed me I would have fought.

If her friends make comments, that might give her an incentive to wear them. If she has taken up a strong position against them, it won't make it easy for her to change her mind. You said her peers wear them - but do her friends? That's a big difference.

If you prefer, though, find her one or two thicker ones and let her choose. Thin shirt = something beneath. Thicker shirt = only one layer. The same as some skirts needing slips while others are fine without.