Difficult 6 year old son

amother

PlumPink

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:10 am

amother [ Snow ] wrote:

My 2 kids with pandas present entirely differently. One has mostly anxiety, ocd, fears, phobias, the other gets aggressive, meltdowns, impulsive, rages, oppositional and defiant.

PANDAS is defined by sudden onset of a worrisome/atypical behavior. Firstly, that is not what OP is describing, but also tantrums and oppositional behavior are typical parts of development for many healthy children. Crying PANDAS anytime a kid is anything but a perfect angel is ridiculous. (Obviously if a kid has always been a perfect angel and overnight becomes troubled across the spectrum, or starts exhibiting age-inappropriate behaviors, that would be more concerning.)

amother

Steelblue

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:53 am

A few of my kids were/are exactly like this. The key to dealing with the meltdowns is structure and advance preparation. Kids who have meltdowns have a hard time handling disappointments. The best thing you can do to prevent meltdowns for this type of child is to try to think of what could possibly go wrong and try to prepare your son for it.

So for example, when my 6 yo son wants to get something from the dollar store, I make sure he knows BEFORE we buy the toy that there’s a good chance it will break or not work and ask if he wants to get it anyway. When it does break or doesn’t work, he is still upset of course but he doesn’t fall apart because he was prepared.

When going to the park, playing in the backyard, or doing any fun activity, I make sure to let him know before even getting there exactly how much time he will have there and that I will he giving him notice when it is getting close to when it’s time to leave.

Also, try to make the consequences seem as logical as possible and not punitive or random. My son has a hard time not being a sore loser. If we played a game together and he didn’t win, he would start throwing and shoving all the pieces everywhere. Of course he had to clean it up, but the real consequence was that next time he wanted to play a game with me, I told him that I don’t like playing with someone who will try to ruin everything because they didn't win. And I refuse to play - it’s important to follow through even if it means another tantrum. The next time around, when asked to play a game with him, I make sure to prepare him for the possibility of losing and make sure he’ll be ok with it if he does lose.

In school, there are clear rules of what is acceptable and what isn’t. The children know what to expect and that is very reassuring. I used to think the fact that my child behaved so well at school but not at home was because he was just more on guard and not able to let down his guard until being in his own home with his own family. But meltdowns would happen in stores and at the park too so it made me realize that it was really about structure and advance preparation. Getting these two things right does wonders for this type of child.

keym

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 12:10 pm

I want to comment OP on something I picked up in your OP. You have a bunch of black and white Always/Never scenarios.
I would recommend reframing even in your head with Often, Frequently, Usually.
Two reasons.
1) when an incident happens, it's a lot harder to remain calm and not escalate if you're thinking about "he ALWAYS does this/ he NEVER listens"
2) you don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which he knows that he's ALWAYS bad so he might as well BE bad.

I would also look into his ability and what is being asked of him. is he capable of not touching when asked or maybe you need to move the item out of the way. Maybe the activity needs to be broken into smaller pieces. My 6 year old finds "get dressed" overwhelming. He does better with underwear and undershirt. Then tzitzis and socks. Then shirt and pants. Etc.

amother

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 10:09 pm

Lots of food for thought here. I genuinely appreciate everyone's opinions. Boy, do I wish he came with a manual!

Handling disappointments is for sure a very hard thing for him. I really do try to talk through some scenarios with him beforehand, and he is always very on board with what could happen, and how to respond. But it often falls apart in the moment. And I certainly can't predict all his wants. Once he threw a tantrum because he wanted to go to the dollar store on Friday afternoon. How should I know he would request such a thing?

This morning I talked to him about what a good boy he is, and how well I know he will behave today. I told him that if he's feeling bothered by his siblings or upset about something, he should try to get some peace and quiet for himself and play in his room. But of course he did not want to accept this during the times he was upset.

And then there are the times he just walks by a sibling and knocks something out of their hands, or does something specifically to bother them. My girls go crazy when they don't feel I'm responding well enough to the injustice, and I end up between a rock and a hard place.

Keym, DH often tells me I expect too much from him. But I always feel like the things I'm asking from him are pretty basic. How do I know when it is beyond his capabilities? I only know how his sisters were at that age, and they are quite different tempermentally.