Do I ask my kids for money?

amother

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 10:54 pm

My xdh would like me to move, sell my home so he can get his $$.
Ideally I want to stay but cannot afford to buy his part which I would need to do.
Either I could ask my working kids to contribute like rent and might be able to staY or I find a new home I can afford, but possibly very small, too small for them to have a proper space.

What would you do?

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:26 pm

Which country do you live in? What are the laws there?
Have you consulted with a lawyer? Can your ex force you to sell and move? In some countries, if you have kids under 18, you can push to stay until they reach adulthood.

In any case, let's assume for a moment that you must sell/buy out his part. In order to buy his half, you need to take out a mortgage. I don't know which country you live in, but where I am, mortgages for something like this are 20/30 yr mortgages.
I would look into how much a mortgage payment would be per month. Now, your young adult kids will probably live with you for another 1-5 years. In other words, once even one of them leaves, you may be in a position where you won't be able to pay mortgage.

Keeping this in mind, I would still suggest the rent option to my adult kids, but with no pressure. I wouldn't want them to feel they HAVE to do this so I can keep the house. OTOH, some adult kids would much prefer to stay at home for a few more years, so you should give them that option.

Another big question is - how many people would you need to pay rent? Is one kid enough? If you need three kids' rent, what do you do when one moves out?

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jun 23 2021, 11:38 pm

Teomima wrote:

I would not ask my kids to pay to stay in their own home. I would move to something I could afford myself and if it's too small for them, then they can choose to move out and pay rent on their own apartment.

If she moves out to a one bedroom, they can't 'choose' to move out, it's pretty much a done deal.
That's why I think she should consult with them and discuss the options, without any pressure on her part.

amother

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:00 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I have not mentioned anything yet to my in laws. If they would help out I don't know. 50/50 chance.

I am not able to afford a big enough mortgage.

I also don't want to put the kids in a position where they need to choose whether to live with their father....
I have e not told them yet either about it and I didn't plan to put them in between our issues.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:15 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Then definitely do not ask them for money for this.

In my opinion, not appropriate at all.

amother

Azure

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 1:56 am

How old are the kids?
If they are working and over 18 there is nothing wrong with asking them to contribute with rent but I don't think that is a good long term solution, what happens if they move out ect....

Also what does to small for proper space mean?
I think it is fair to sit down with adult kids and give them options
- Contribute to rent and stay
- Squeeze into a smaller place
- move out on there own

watergirl

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 6:30 am

OP, first, hugs. I have been divorced and am in a great facebook group where the house issue is a common topic.

Second, what country are you in? And do you have a legal divorce agreement which states what must happen with your shared assets (ie your marital home)? Typically, there is an order in which one of these things happen:

- Husband buys the wife out of her share and he keeps the house and has to take out a new mortgage for which he is solely responsible.

- Wife buys the husband out of his share and she keeps the house and has to take out a new mortgage for which she is solely responsible. .

- House is sold and proceeds are split, husband and wife have to each find a new place to live and must make their own payments on the new place.

In my experience, most common is the last option; in divorce, both parties typically lose out on the previously enjoyed life style and have to make changes. Most people on a single income can not sustain a mortgage on their own. Sometimes, the court allows the wife to live in the marital home until the minor children are 18 or 21 but she has to pay the mortgage on her own. I've also heard of cases where the husband is ordered to vacate the home but continue to pay a portion of the mortgage for a few years, like 3, as a transition period for the wife, if there are minor children.

In most situations if there are adult children living in the house, they lose out the most because no one is ordered to support them and why should anyone; they are adults now.

I know it is not easy or comfortable. An understanding of the laws and your particular order would help you and us to give you the best input.

amother

Bergamot

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 6:30 am

If they're over 18, I wouldn't put them in the middle, but I would be honest about your financial situation. You can't afford to stay in your current home. You don't need to explain why. You can gently give them the option of contributing to rent and expenses or finding their own place.

amother

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 7:12 am

mom! wrote:

Op I am in complete awe how you are completely focused on your kids needs without even once mentioning how hard this must be for you. I sincerely hope all works out for you in the smoothest way possible.
Hatzlacha!

Thanks for that.

Of course it'll be hard for me but I have learnt that we can do hard things sometimes even if it feels challenging.

My kids are my main priority here and I'd feel bad if they get homeless or upset. But it's not in my hands, if that's what their father wants.....very likely he has mentioned something to some of them in the past.
Ultimately we have to accept that this is H"s will whatever happens. And my xdh is just a shliach

amother

Lime

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 7:19 am

Unless you bought your house for over a million, the mortgage can't be too big if you need to buy off his half.
Mortgage payments for 30 years would come out at around $2500 a month including taxes. (I'm calculating $12K taxes a year so add a little more if taxes are a bit higher.)
Consult with a mortgage broker to see if you really can't afford it.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Dec 20 2021, 8:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 7:37 am

Others here have good ideas.
I do know people who gave up their half of their ex's retirement funds in exchange for a larger percentage of the house. (Assuming his retirement funds are larger than yours, and assuming you live in a country where it is a shared asset).
I hope you have a lawyer helping you out.

amother

Molasses

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 7:38 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Then definitely do not ask them for money for this.

In my opinion, not appropriate at all.

Its not really putting them in between.

Quote:

Your father and I agreed that he's entitled to half the house. I can either sell it, so we each get half, or buy him out. Unfortunately, I can't afford to buy him out right now, and I can't afford to move anywhere that there's enough room for all of you. The only other possibility is that you pay rent here, so we can stay. When I sell in a few years, when you and your siblings are on your own, I can try to pay back some of what you paid out of the proceeds. Its totally up to you.

There's no bashing, or putting them in the middle. But fact is they either have to move because there's no room for them, or help. They have the right to know.

amother

Viola

Thu, Jun 24 2021, 7:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

your Emuna and acceptance is awe inspiring!!!
can you just stay in the house and see if the law will really force you out? maybe there's a legal recourse that will allow you to stay? can you tell your kids the facts as is and see if they'll offer to help with the money? such a hard situation! sending hugs your way!! you are an awsome mom!!