My son stole a candy from the store

Zehava

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 5:59 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

This is what I would do, but that's just me:

I would not take it away. That move of taking something away from a child interferes with a sense of agency from the child and true and lasting change of unwanted behavior stems from a place of agency.

I would first get some kind friend to vent to, so that I don't pour any anger or resentment onto my kid.

When I feel totally chill about the situation, I would have a chat with him.

Of course by the time I'm chill he may have eaten it already. Regardless, the lesson will be way more powerful when done from a neutral place than from a charged place

I would not lecture him.

For example:
Son: I have this candy, I took it from the store
Me: oh, you really wanted some candy. I understand.candy tastes yummy in the mouth. Let's go to the store and pay for it because anytime mommy takes something from the store, I pay for it. That's the funny thing about stores: I go inside, I take something, and on my way out I give the cashier money. Wanna come with mommy and I'll show you how I do it?

No angry words are ever exchanged. It's all matter of fact and with openness to the innocence of children.

But like I said, that's just me. I don't think many parents would approach it this way. I'm a weird kind of mother.

You’re an awesome kind of mother. I want to be that when I grow up.

overworked

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 6:10 pm

I had a toy store I closed it about a yr ago about 6mths ago I was with my husband a young man came up to us that he recently got married & he told us he wants to ask us mechila since as a young kid he stole alot from my store (he came from a dysfunctional home ) we both said right away we are mochel but he says that he wants to give me money he gave us a check of 500.00 he didnt want to take no for an answer we gave it further to tzeduka since we said where him mochel

amother

Carnation

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 6:45 pm

Seems like most people are in extreme camps. I don’t think you need to shame or make a big deal. But I also think people don’t realize how much 4 year olds understand. Yes he doesn’t get the concept of stealing and money transfer but he does know his mother said no and he took it anyway. I would explain how a store works and say that I’m returning it because we didn’t pay and mommy said no. I wouldn’t make a huge deal but I also wouldn’t say you know what you ignored my no took something that wasn’t yours so here enjoy it. We can discipline with love and kindness it doesn’t have to be either no discipline and teachable moments or severe discipline. I’m so confused with the extremes on this site.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:23 pm

Zehava wrote:

You’re an awesome kind of mother. I want to be that when I grow up.

I suspect you already are that awesome kind of mother, in your own way.
It took me years, and my children trained me. I guess I was willing to be a student of my children Wink

sneakermom

Fri, Jun 25 2021, 7:25 pm

I have no problem with explaining the concept of we don’t take something before we pay.

But minus the marching back to the store, apologizing to a stranger in public, and feeling overwhelmed and ashamed.

I also have no problem with normal boundaries and expectations. But over reactions on the part of the parent is not chinuch. It only serves the parent (their anxiety, misunderstanding, inter generational trauma) and not the innocent child.

A young child deserves to be understood developmentally. Deserves to learn life calmly.

Ironically the calm attuned approach yields a child with the highest levels of empathy and integrity. Because that’s what was given to them.

amother

Birch

Sat, Jun 26 2021, 10:27 pm

Chayalle wrote:

OK so your kid is a genius.

My MIL A"H taught pre-1-A for over 30 years. She told me that kids that age don't fully understand the concept of ownership (except for unusual kids like yours of course), and that it's perfect normal for them to take something they want that doesn't belong to them.

Of course we try to be mechanech them and teach them that it's wrong, and try to show them how to rectify it. But let's just understand that it's perfectly normal behavior for a 4 year old in a candy store.

You are right - it has very little to do with "intelligence" but everything to do with normal stages of child development.

There are concepts that children don't fully internalize until they reach certain stages. One of the most famous Piaget "tests" is showing a child liquid in a tall thin container versus a wider container so the liquid doesn't rise as high although it is the same amount.

Piaget's studies of conservation led him to observe the stages which children pass through when gaining the ability to conserve. ... During the conservation of liquid task, children will respond that a liquid in a tall glass always has more liquid than that of a short glass; they cannot discern height from amount.