Working Mothers- how do you juggle it all??!!

amother

Orange

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 4:57 am

sara_s wrote:

One thing that helps me is the concept that we are juggling balls, and some are going to drop, and that's ok.
So my #1 priority is my family' health and safety, #2 emotional health and wellbeing, #3 keeping my job - not by working above and beyond, rather doing enough to sustainably work, even I'm not doing 100%, but the best I can at this stage in life.
Ball's that drop- the house, meals. I do have help but feel zero guilt if the house is a mess or my kids eat cereal for dinner. I prioritize my own downtime over that.

This is my take on life too

saw50st8

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 6:08 am

You don't, it just isn't possible.

I had my 4 kids in 5 years so I can commiserate. What I've learned is that your kids need more physical attention when they are young but need more emotional attention as they get older. You can hire out their needs as babies pretty easily, but a 10 year old needs to tell you about whatever happened during the day. It's a struggle to concentrate at the end of an already long and stressful day. Here are the things that I try to do:

1) Figure out what your real pain points are. Try to solve each of those small things. Are the toys on the floor bothering you? Have toys with less small pieces. Kids pinching each other during dinner? Put them at opposite sides of the table. Try to chip away at each small annoyance to make life more calm.

2) Learn to process internally so what you say isn't as angry/frustrated. Say whatever you want inside your brain but let what comes out of your mouth be more gentle/kind/happy.

3) Let a lot of things go. Not everything matters.

ora_43

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 6:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Is it really a normal expectation to hold down a very stressful job while pregnant with 5th child in 7 years? I'm not sure if that's basic. So confused...

No. You know it isn't, that's why people think you're superwoman.

But it's ok to not be superwoman.

I think like others said, this is a less simple issue than just 'juggling it all' because it's not just about taking things off your plate that other people can do, like cleaning a floor or cooking a meal, it's about mental/emotional energy. Having help with cleaning and cooking does help with that to some extent, but ultimately you can only take so much stress and so many people making demands.

Honestly, the way I personally dealt with it (with such young kids) was by having a job that was intense, but not emotionally intense. And then kids were emotionally intense, but didn't require much intellectual effort. It was a decent balance.

Even then you need to make sure you're taking time for 'me time,' giving yourself time to unwind after work, etc. But it's a lot easier.

I hate to have 'get a different job' be my only advice... other than that, though, all I can think of is 1. looking to see if there are any other places where you can outsource work to others, so that literally all you're doing is your job and emotional care for the kids, 2. looking for places to dramatically increase self-care. time with friends? weekly therapy just to have a place to vent? a few hours off each week to just relax? I don't know, but something, 3. look at the 'pain points,' see what exact parts of work/parenting are frustrating, and work - possibly with a coach/therapist - to reduce your anxiety around those specific things. Eg ways of emotionally detaching at work (where healthy), ways of releasing anxiety from your body, ways of dealing with tantrums and whining more calmly.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 6:58 am

amother [ Steelblue ] wrote:

For me it was when the stress started to affect me physically. It wasn't even enough when I saw the effects my anxiety was having on my family. I fought starting meds for a long time. Now I am working in therapy to soothe my guilt over not starting sooner. I am on a low dose with minimal side effects but I am a different person.

ETA: I didn't change a thing about my crazy job or anything else. It was just that one thing that made the difference.

What are you on?
Is it safe for pregnancy/ nursing?

amother

Gray

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 7:19 am

If, as you say, you have the option of cutting back, do so wisely.
I’d say, leave work an hour earlier, and use this extra hour purely to unwind. Run your schedule like till now, cook supper when you used to etc., don’t rely on this extra hour to do anything but relaxing.
I found this to be a game changer for me. Just klutzing on the couch w a coffee, no phone no book, letting my mind just unwind from the day.
Then I was ready to pick up my kids from the sitter and school.

zaq

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 7:58 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm conflicted about this. If I'm so overwhelmed I wonder if it makes sense to cut back on my expectations from self before trying meds to keep up my current arrangement... but I'll always have the nature I have. Is it just extra important for me to try not to take on so much??

Very. Much of the stress of modern mother-and-balaboste-hood is self-imposed. Not the time constraints and the juggling, but the expectation that we must do everything and do it perfectly.

Relying on meds when there's nothing wrong with you is called "substance abuse". Meds can't cure the inability to defy the laws of physics by fitting 27 hours' worth of activity into a 24-hour day; the solution is to ditch the excess 3 hours of activity.

You can't change your basic nature but you can change your behavior. Ease up on some of your commitments, many of which are likely self-imposed. You sound very driven, and driven people demand things of themselves that nobody else would demand of them. Who says you have to have company every Shabbat and make your own challah and take classes and make the best mitzvah notes and dress your children like royalty and be President of the PTA and compete for "employee of the month" and always look like a page out of Vogue, or whatever other expectations you have of yourself? Who says you have to be "productive" every hour of every day? Sometimes "good enough" is good enough.

And while "get a different job" may be a tall order, if your job is so stressful, that may in fact be just what you need to do. If it's not the actual work that you do, but the commute, or the environment, or the boss, then doing the same kind of work somewhere else may be just the ticket. Or maybe working part time instead of full time. OTOH if it's the work itself that's killing you, consider a career change to a field that's less stressful. It'll be worth it in the long run, even if you make less money. A nervous breakdown will cost you--and your family-- much more.

amother

Whitewash

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 8:05 am

Shani88 wrote:

Op I came on here to ask for similar advice. I feel like I really need guidance from other moms who work full time and have little kids who are also PATIENT with their kids. Please please can someone who knows what it’s like to struggle with a highly stressful job plus their own emotional issues help me work on myself to be more calm and patient as a mother when kids are fighting, whining, not listening, making a mess etc? Taking breaks and time off to myself is something I’m actually great at and I try to do it often plus I have a very helpful dh who shares all household responsibilities with me. But all this doesn’t help the in-the-moment stressors that come along with raising young kids. Please help 😩

I used to go into my room, shut the door, put a pillow over my face and scream into it all the horrible, vicious things I wanted to say to my kids. Once all that acid was out of my system, I'd go back out and resume my regular programming.

amother

Bone

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 8:14 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hi All,

I'm one of those people who seem like a superwoman to outsiders. I have multiple young children who are very close in age, recently found out that I'm pregnant again (unexpected). I juggle a lot and have a job with high responsibility and good pay. I have lots of cleaning help and as much child care as I can possibly find (mothers helpers, etc). My husband is not home a lot but provides me with whatever help I need.

Despite everything I have going for me, I am really not managing well. I'm finding that even if I have enough help to check off all the boxes and my home is functional, food is served, kids are neat and clean etc.. I can not handle the emotional toll of working such an intense job and then dealing with everything that motherhood requires. I am so wound up from my job that I don't have the patience I need to really focus on my little ones, calmly settle conflicts, patiently deal with multiple daily tantrums, etc etc..

Any tips from mothers who work under intense pressure and then come home to a very needy family? How do you juggle such an intense emotional workload?

I really just want to quit and focus on my family only but that's not really in the running right now. I may be able to cut back somewhat but I wonder if that would even help so long as I have a stressful job.

Any ideas out there? SOS

Op are you me?? I cudve written this exact thing! Also pregnant and wondering how to juggle work and life.
I agree with the poster that wrote it's more about mental stress than physical being capable.

amother

Phlox

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 8:33 am

no no no op, its not normal to have to do all you are doing which is why men usually only work and come home and "maybe help" but relax more while women work and come to do their "mothering/household" jobs...its not supposed to be like this...

im in a stressful job full time, long commute, my nasty boss just increased my hours, I have no choice but to stay and I cant afford hired help...I took bc as I has kids close together and now my kuds are older but theres just not enough time for everything....I dont cook suppers like others said...my kids can eat cereal and milk etc...but in the evenings after a long work day, I spend time helping my kids with hw as they are very challenging/needy...its impossible to do it all

taking meds to enable you to do the impossible is not normal and not what you need...

while its easy to say "cut hours" or "get a less stressful job" if you need the money, you might not have that option....and might be trading one stress for the stress of not being able to pay bills....(although you didnt mention if you really need the money or can you not hire help and take a few years leave instead)

but truthfully, ive never met a woman who does it all.......you are feeling overwhelmed because you are in a position where you are always "on" so dont be hard on yourself....its not normal especially with kids so close together...

amother

IndianRed

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 11:11 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I was just reading the post about a husband who can't hold down a job... can I be that person???

I don't think you should be comparing yourself to that man.
You are
1) pregnant!
2) you are the mother of multiple young children
3)in the kesuba the husband provides for the wife, not the other way around.

cut yourself some slack. kids are emotionally draining and no amount of cleaning help will take away the emotional energy it takes to raise kids. I'm not saying anti anxiety meds aren't for anyone, but it doesn't make sense to live a high stress aniety inducing lifestyle and then use that lifestyle to fund super expensive therapy....

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 9:29 pm

My experience has been that when you cut your hours they still expect you to do everything you currently do, just with less time physically in the office. Majorly stressful and if you’re gonna work full time you might as well get paid for it.

Do you answer work emails and texts from home? I stopped doing that and set firm boundaries in place. When I’m at home I want to really be present. I enjoy my job a lot more now that I don’t do any work stuff at home.

I give myself a half hour between leaving work and arriving home to do “me” stuff. So I’ll go for a quick power walk on this pretty trail near my work, or sit in the car and read a book for a while, or even just lean back and take a catnap. Might say some Tehillim and talk to Hashem. It helps me a lot.

amother

Tue, Jun 29 2021, 11:39 pm

Hi everyone,

I was feeling really awful and overwhelmed when I wrote my OP. Obviously. But BH I felt so much better today and really didn't feel like reading a bunch of posts blaming me for having so many children etc etc. But just peeked and surprisingly, so many of your posts were actually helpful.

So thank you. I really do manage well when my system works well. Yesterday my mother's helper couldn't come plus I came home from work an hour and a half late with all the kids home and cranky and no transition time for me. So I think my #1 take away is: don't let a difficult day get me down. Tomorrow is a new day and if things are generally going well, not to jump to big changes. With pregnancy I have really exhausted evenings so my emotional energy just fades away and then the self-doubt and anxiety creeps in. Yes, I know I am juggling a lot and I wish I didn't have to work. But being that I do for now, I'm glad most days I'm ok.

Thanks everyone for your support!!