Dd 16 don’t want to help at home that no friends do

keym

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have a housekeeper but the organizing part we need to do because she doesn’t do it right. It looks like I will just try to ask her to help organizing when it looks like she has time. I can’t change her now.

Organizing and rearranging are big, overwhelming jobs even for helpful teens. It's vague and involves judgement decisions (keep or toss, where to put) and isn't finite
Much more practical to focus on small finite helpful chores. Load the dishwasher, bathe a toddler, do a load of laundry, sweeping or vacuuming a specific room, even pick up the box of Lego.
There's a beginning, an end. I don't know. That's me.
I do ask my kids to help, and they have regular Friday Jobs. But it's very specific things.

imaima

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Dear OP it is your house! You are the one who should do organizing. How is anyone supposed to decide where everything goes?!

You organize once and show it to other family members, now it can be their chore to upkeep your order.
Your dd can organize her room, your dh can organize his closet. But YOU organize your kitchen and the playroom for your babies. It is YOUR domain!

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:36 pm

imaima wrote:

The kitchen and playroom are not just her domain. Many dhs are full partners there.

In any case, I have a feeling the dd knows how the playroom should be organized. The op didn't ask her to redesign or come up with new solutions. She probably just wants everything put back in its spot after the babies' made a mess.

amother

Jasmine

Thu, Jul 01 2021, 4:43 pm

ok so I have different ages (9,6,3 and baby) but I started the following a couple of weeks ago:

on sunday each member of the family picks ONE household chore that they have to do sunday- thursday night after dinner before bedtime routine. examples are: taking trash out, sweep the kitchen floor, organising shoes at the entry, collecting laundry from 2 rooms and throwing them into a hamper in the laundry room, sharpening all coloured pencils, spraying down and wiping he kitchen table...
they have one task for five nights in a row. friday night and mozzey shabbos they dont need to do it. sunday they pick a new chore.

we have a list and it says which familymember does what. my nighttime list is obviously ginormous (sterilizing babybottles, prewashing stained shirts, preparing next days lunch etc...my list ALSO hangs next to the others'. )
the kids suddainly reliesed that mommy does a lot in order that the house functions. and they actually enjoy helping, especially because they pick their task. after 5 days are completed they become actually good at it. my 3 year old organsied shoes. day one was chaotic, by day three she didnt need any help and by day five she was quick and efficient and proud of it.
my 9year old sweeped the kitchenfloor in week one, took out garbage in week two and at week three he said that he doesnt mind continuing doing both and adding a thrid one. I said he may do all three if he has time but he HAS to stick to one he chooses, the other two are volunatry...
now when dc3 notices that the entry is messy she automatically organises the shoes (even if its not eveningtime or her task that specific week). recently a bag of cookiecrumbs spilled and dc9 hrabbed the broom and sweeped the floor (it became second nature...)

I think it is one of the best things we have so far implemented. it takes literally max 5 minutes and it teaches them consistency, household skills etc. they value SO MUCH MORE the time and efford I put into houskeeping ...

its NOT about perfect . no punishment if they skip a day BUT there is extra sahbbos dessert for those who DO fulfill all 5 days. we never TOLD them that thisis the consequence, but I make sure to mention it at the table: "tatty, jossi worked so hard on helping mommy every night he deserves a second portion of mousse...channy was so careful picking up all toys this week I made this pie specially for her to show her how much I appreciate her effort..."

at age 16 I believe if the hole family is involved and perfection is NOT expected it could work too maybe?

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 1:23 am

Jasmine, that is perfect parenting! Thumbs Up

More important that getting things clean, you are giving your kids self confidence. They feel capable, and accomplished, and proud of themselves, and that is what builds heathy character.

My mom never let me do anything around the house, "because I never do anything right". My mom basically taught me that I am not capable, and I shouldn't even try. I only get in the way, and mess things up worse.

To this day I am a terrible housekeeper. Why bother, when it won't ever be good enough? I have zero executive functioning, and when I look around at everything that needs to get done, I just freeze in confusion. I'll do the bare minimum, and hope nobody sees the dust bunnies under the sofa. embarrassed

amother

Seashell

Fri, Jul 02 2021, 1:32 am

amother [ Cyclamen ] wrote:

I don't have advice... but just want to comment. The best thing you can do for your daughter is to teach her home management skills. I had no responsibilities as a kid and as an adult it is one of my biggest struggles.

If it makes you feel any better I had a ton of responsibilities as a kid and home management is also my biggest struggle.

It was easy to set the table, make a dish, fold the towels, clean the playroom, take the kids to the park etc. It is hard to make all the food for Shabbos, be on top of all the laundry, do all of the dishes always, keep every room clean, be the full time "babysitter" etc. (And yes DH helps).

amother

Chicory

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:21 am

I have 2 children with ASD/ADHD so my approach to household chores is a bit different. I have set chores for each, depending on age. We've worked on graduating up the chores for some time so I expect you'll have to start small. I have to break down chores into workable pieces. I cannot say "clean the family room." That's too large a chore even for my 15yo--she gets overwhelmed with breaking it down and then shuts down and gets resistant. I have to be specific: pick up all the papers for example.

With regard to her resistance my answer was, "we are all a part of this family and we all have to work." I have also pointed out that I clean up messes I didn't make!

Also it helps, I've found, to be appreciative and acknowledge it when she does something and does it correctly. Not overly effusive but say thank you.

imaima

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:50 am

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

It helps to have kids do a complex task, like bake a cake and have them clean up the kitchen afterwards. Then they have the whole process on their heads from start to finish.