Babysitting and fighting with siblings

amother

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 7:14 pm

During COVID I started letting my (then 12, now 13) dd watch her younger sisters when I ran out locally. I've heavily come to rely on it for errands, but also for an occasional breather with dh in the evening. However it came to my attention a few times that she was fighting with her sisters while I was out. I warned her that while I'm out, and she's in charge, she cannot fight. Well, after a recent run around the block (literally), I walked in and heard her fighting with my 6 year old over something extremely petty. Now I'm really upset because I feel like I've lost my freedom, as I can't possibly leave her to babysit again. If she can't control herself about a petty fight, how can I trust that she can handle herself in an emergency. Also, how can I impress upon my 6 year old to listen to her older sister, when she can't be trusted not to abuse her power??

Would love some opinions and perspectives.

amother

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 7:28 pm

Sorry - I'm not really doing it so often, maybe like once or twice over the weekend during the day and once during the week at night. Usually an hour or less. In the evening, about an hour.
Just knowing I can is Soo liberating.
The 6 year old can be annoying, but the fight I walked in on was totally not her fault, and dd (13) was making a major deal out of an onion peel.
I can't get another babysitter, so it just means having less freedom and doing all my errands while everyone is in school/daycamp. And no quick runaways in the evening with dh...

amother

Pewter

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Now I'm really upset because I feel like I've lost my freedom, as I can't possibly leave her to babysit again.

Here and twice in your other post you say how you don’t want to lose your freedom. You have to do what’s right for your kids, not just what’s most convenient for you.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds pretty often to me.
You are expecting too much from your oldest daughter.

amother

Bronze

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:45 pm

It's not your 13 year old dd's responsibility to watch her younger siblings so you can "have your freedom". You need to figure out a way to have a break without putting the pressure on her. She is still young and is clearly not ready for such a responsibility on a consistent basis. Maybe in an emergency it's ok, but not 1-2x a week so you can have a break. Perhaps you can figure out a different solution without it all being on her.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:50 pm

OP if you're new here, don't take these responses personally. it's the way people talk here for some reason. you're an amazing mother for noticing that it isn't working out and for not just ignoring the problem so you can have your freedom

amother

Zinnia

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:58 pm

Based on your description your 13 doesn’t sound mature enough to babysit.

My oldest is also 13 years old & I do not let my oldest babysit yet, as my oldest is just not mature enough.

Your best bet would to be find another babysitter. Perhaps you can find a close by neighbor (high schooler, retired grandma… etc) who may be able to help you out?

amother

Tulip

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:00 pm

12-13 yr old babysitting twice a month is plenty.

Don't forget while you have your freedom, she's locked into doing a chore. It's at her expense.

If you want her to take over for you, you can't blame her for how she runs the house while you're gone.

Last edited by amother on Tue, Dec 21 2021, 8:41 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Blueberry

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That’s life.
I have three little kids, oldest is 7, and I work while they are in school so I have no free time. We deal with it… dh watches the kids while I do errands or I bring them with me or arrange a play date or hire a babysitter.
Dh and I don’t get to have runaways although I look forward to when my kids are old enough to be home.

I would not let your 13 year old watch the kid(s) who bring out her bossiness. For example my oldest anf youngest get along fabulously but my oldest and my middle dc fight a lot. When they’re much older, I can see leaving my oldest with my youngest but I’d take middle dc with me or send him to a friend or figure a plan out. It’s not fair or safe to have the current arrangement.

amother

Mint

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:04 pm

I understand your feelings about losing freedom but you have to be realistic about what your kids are capable of. Can you talk with all of them (together or separately) about being on their own when you run out? You can make a set plan about a treat if everyone behaves well or an idea list of what they're supposed to do when you're gone (listen to a story CD, color) and some ground rules I.e. it's not your job to give mussar, don't worry about someone else's mess etc.
this might work but it might really not. You've got to be honest with yourself about the dynamics. My oldest daughter is not quite old enough to babysit but I know that there's no way I'm going to be able to rely on her, mostly bc of the way she interacts with her siblings on a daily basis. The dynamic is different for each family and it's nice how some pple make it sound like having an oldest girl is automatic perfect domestic help but it just isn't true for everyone. And that's regardless of whether or not I think it should be considered that!

amother

Heather

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:06 pm

My oldest dd is older than that (almost 15) and I let her babysit but definitely not as often as op. I have found that she tends to be a lot stricter w the kids and inevitably my 8 yr old dd and her end up butting heads. When my kids r asleep I’m more inclined to let her babysit or for a rly quick errand I’m ok w her babysitting. It’s a lot for a teenager to be a substitute parent… the balance is tough. I have found that hiring a babysitter is a safer bet.