Can I use your house for free?

amother

DarkGreen

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:14 am

Simple1 wrote:

It's still a chesed even if it's not a necessity. But for sure, say no if you can't do it.

Yes, but I was pointing out to a pp who was talking about helping out “those in need”. Seems most posters here are talking about someone wanting a cheap vacation.

amother

Poinsettia

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:32 am

doodlesmom wrote:

I don’t think it’s okay to ask , because when people ask such outlandish requests then the host usually feels that they must be in dire need, and without any other options, and therefore will say yes even if it is very inconvenient and uncomfortable.

This 100 percent. A girl in my daughters nursery class moved around the block from me. The mom called me one Thursday if her kid can stay after school till 6. I said yes cuz clearly it was emergency cuz why else would she ask me a practical stranger such a favor. The next week she asked again. An extra three yr old for 3 hrs on Thursday is not easy but I said yes again. She asked a third time and I said I’m sorry no. Turns out she works till six on thursday and her husband who is in kollel got a well paying tutoring job from 5-6.

keym

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:39 am

The thing that is confusing to me is that in the other thread, posters were insistent that grandparents should not stay in the "new parents" house if they come for the bris, kiddush, shalom Zachor and pidyon haben, but rather find somewhere else to stay.
Where I live, there are no hotels within a 3 mile radius and AirBnb is not always reliable.
If I'm making a bris on a Monday, my parents and in-laws will come the Shabbos before and stay for the bris- total of 5 days.
If I'm not supposed to be pushing myself to host them, and I shouldn't ask my neighbors because it's not an emergency, then what? They don't come because there are no hotels near me?

amother

Leaf

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 9:42 am

amother [ Poinsettia ] wrote:

I had a similar story with my 3 year old son.
Turns out, mom was shopping in Manhattan with her daughters! No boosha!

amother

Poinsettia

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:06 am

keym wrote:

I didn’t read that thread but provided the neighbors have a guest room of course you can ask for a shalom zachor to host your parents. I would not expect the neighbor to feed the guests though..

southernbubby

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:18 am

amother [ Poinsettia ] wrote:

I didn’t read that thread but provided the neighbors have a guest room of course you can ask for a shalom zachor to host your parents. I would not expect the neighbor to feed the guests though..

Most people are happy to host for simchas because it's temporary and self limited. Many people are hosting evacuees from Surfside because they will eventually be settled in permanent housing but need a place to stay meanwhile.
People used to host people who came to town on business or to collect tzedaka but I think that bad experiences put an end to that and some communities have a paid arrangement for tzedaka collectors, unless those individuals know people who will host them. Many people who travel frequently on business probably also know people in those communities who will at least host them for Shabbos.
Hosting people who are homeless due to mental illness is stressful for the hosts and their family and that has to be considered before agreeing to do it.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:29 am

amother [ Poinsettia ] wrote:

Maybe she should look to pay you to babysit! Either that or say that this is coverage that she needs, do you need coverage at a specific time that she can barter-ie Friday afternoon so you can nap like the person in the other thread. If not, it is just taking advantage and 100% not ok!

watergirl

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 11:53 am

keym wrote:

Fri-Monday is 4 days. In theory, you can ask a neighbor to host them just for Shabbos and they can stay in a hotel farther out motzei shabbos and sunday night. Its asking much less to host for 1 night. Why cant they stay at a hotel 5 or 6 miles away when its not shabbos?

amother

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 12:12 pm

keym wrote:

No one is saying to never host. I host regularly.

I am saying I am not a gemach and ask for appropriate requests.

If you want my empty house for free, offer to pay utilities. It's hundreds of dollars a month to cool my house in the summer.

If you don't know the people you are sending to my house, please don't ask. I don't host strangers. Don't act like you are asking for yourself and then it turns out you don't even know them.

If you haven't spoken to me in over a year due to stupid neighborhood politics that you started that I refused to get involved in and refused to take sides in, don't then pretend to be friendly and ask me to host your family for a bar mitzvah.

If you want to host your parents for an entire yom tov, move your baby into your room and have them sleep there. Don't ask me to host them for 12 days months in advance so I can't even make my own yom tov plans.

Yes I can say no but I also think there should be some chochma to a request.

imorethanamother

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:12 pm

I agree with keym. Has anyone seen the price of hotels?! $600 a night for a two star hotel!

Now if you’re taking a vacation, by all means, that should be in your budget. But coming in for a family simcha is something else. And if women are all “how dare anyone ask me to host my in-laws after I had a baby”, well, someone has to.

OP, I have this a lot. If someone asks you to host “12 months in advance”, simply say, “can you ask me a month in advance? I’ll remember to keep you in mind first but I can’t plan this far out.” And that works. I also say things like “if my family decides to come, last minute, I’d have to cancel, and I wouldn’t be able to help you find other accommodations. Sorry. That’s how my guest rooms work. “

There.

I’ve had a lot of wild stories, but I’ve also had stories of people I’ve hosted (complete strangers) that ended up in a amazing hashgacha pratis stories of mine. My point is that no Mitzvah goes unnoticed by Hashem, and the stranger you host tomorrow could be the parents of your future daughter-in-law.

imorethanamother

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you haven't spoken to me in over a year due to stupid neighborhood politics that you started that I refused to get involved in and refused to take sides in, don't then pretend to be friendly and ask me to host your family for a bar mitzvah.

OP, this is your opportunity to have shalom and mend fences. Don’t be so fast to dismiss it, the power of shalom can bring your household tremendous hatzlacha and mazal.

I wish I could tell you stories. You wouldn’t believe it.

amother

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:22 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

Trust me, this was not a shalom request. This was a straightforward case of use and abuse.

I'm just tired. I'm tired of being seen as a gmach. I have the basement and I'm happy to lend it for shabbos or a few days here and there but I don't like being taken advantage of.

Another neighbor treated my family as lepers because of covid (even though other neighbors were allowed to play with her kids) and then all of the sudden she needed hosting and my house is now perfectly fine to use. I guess my germs are only relevant when my kids want to come play and not when she wants to host family.

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I totally hear this. Reminds me of the family that wouldn't eat in my parents house because of community politics (my parents are upstanding Frum people) but had the audacity to ask my parents about the Kashrus of another family whom my parents had what to do with who invited their kids to a party.

southernbubby

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 1:43 pm

I don't think that the halacha allows saying "no" out of spite so if you would host if it was a request from someone you liked, it my be a question if you are allowed to turn down these people.
That's a different matter than not being able to host for some other reason or that you have a general policy that you only host if you are home. If hosting causes shalom bayis problems, then say "no". Your husband doesn't have to suffer from people who annoy him. Both spouses have to be comfortable with the decision.
People have some nerve to snub someone and ask for favors but I don't think that we are allowed to refuse for that reason. They seem like jerks to me.

amother

DarkGreen

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 3:07 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

Where are 2 star hotels $600 a night? We just stayed in a nice hotel in New York City, probably 3 or 4 stars, was less than $200 a night ....(in queens not in Manhattan).

imorethanamother

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Im so sorry that must have felt awful. I wish you could find a way to tell her how she made you feel. I also can’t stand the way some people acted during covid, blaming people all over the place.

SouthernBubby made an interesting point, though. Is it נקמה if you would have given it out to others but you were getting back at her for her behavior? It’s so hard I don’t blame you. Just something to think about. Truth is, I’d probably do exactly what you did, but I’d feel guilty just the same. Or enraged. Lol. I don’t know.

I’ve had requests for use of my guest rooms for simchas and I’m not even invited to them. It was hard working on myself to get over it, and I’m so much better about that.

Someone told me that she has so little room in her tiny apartment she wishes so much she had a guest room to give out to other people. She hates never being able to host. It really made me realize how lucky I am.

Reality

Sun, Jul 04 2021, 10:17 pm

keym wrote:

This just happened in my family and my parents skipped the shalom zachar because they didn't want to impose for so long.