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My daughter's first job post school - what to do with her $?
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 2:00 pm
amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:
Shtitzing means supporting.
Drusha geshank means gifts. In the old days a chussen would give a drusha by the chasuna (like the pshetel said by a bar mitzvah bucher) and he'd get the wedding presents then so the gifts got the name drusha geshank.

Reminds me of the wedding scene in Fiddler on the Roof....
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amother
DarkRed


 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 2:05 pm
amother [ Wandflower ] wrote:
So cute, I was wondering where drusha comes in! I learnt something new!


I think they are still doing this in Europe btw.
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JoyInTheMorning




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 2:09 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My 17.5 year old daughter started her first office job at minimum wage.
What do we do with her money?
Deposit in her own account?
Deposit in our account?

We are not well off financially.
We both work but we have $70,000 debt.
My husband is limited in what he can do
He earns $40,000 yearly
I earn a bit more on the year
We obviously have no savings.

I'd love to hear what you do with your daughter who is living at home
paycheck/what you did when you were that age

My parents used the money to cover their own bills.
That was their reality.
I also didn't get married with any money as the
bit of chasuna money that came in from my side
of the family went to pay off the wedding. The rest
I paid off with my summer job after my chasuna


OP, I read this post with horror, shock, and deja vu, as strange as this combination is. I grew up with the expectation that what I earned belonged to my parents. Their parents had that expectation of them, and enforced it, and as a result, they started off their own lives with very little, and never broke out of near poverty.

So, first: Why do you think you'd be better at managing your daughter's money than she would? There's very little evidence that you would be good at managing her money. You haven't managed your own finances very well; otherwise you wouldn't be in debt. If she hadn't gotten a job, you wouldn't wind up in the poor house. So you don't need it that badly. Forget that she's earning anything. Let her keep it. Get a friend who is doing well to counsel her in how to manage and invest money. She should be spending some money on her own needs, such as clothing and make up, and saving most of what she earns. She should invest most of what she saves. YOU'RE not going to invest her money; you'd just use it to pay down your bills. Her investing her money is a much better use of the money.

Break the miserable pattern of hobbling your children's lives by leeching off them. Parents should want to see their children doing better than they did. Even if you don't want to see that, act as if you do.

As far as amother Dark Red: There are plenty of things in the Shulchan Aruch that we don't keep, including the lists of foods to eat and not eat, and which side to lie on when we go to sleep and which side to wake up on. Hard to swallow, but true. Start reading the Shulchan Aruch. It's hard to come to any other conclusion. Not everything in the Shulchan Aruch is considered Halacha. Some of it is considered a description of norms of the day, rather than prescriptive Halacha.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 2:12 pm
Right there is a difference btwn parents saving up for daughter's wedding expenses or dowry vs using it for their own needs.
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amother
Lightyellow


 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 2:14 pm
amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:
No it's not considered dysfunctional and it's even discussed and taught to us in school.


The halachos are taught in school, and I can count on one hand how many classmates parents took their money.


Last edited by amother on Tue, Dec 21 2021, 8:54 am; edited 1 time in total
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JoyInTheMorning




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 2:34 pm
Regarding what the Shulchan Aruch says about a girl's earnings belonging to her father, consider the context in which that is said. Marrying off a three year old through s#xu@l interc0urse would surely be considered dysfunctional in today's society, and yet there it is, black and white in the Shulchan Aruch. Here it is in Even HaEzer 37. (This is copied and pasted from sefaria.org.)
Siman 37
כל דיני קדושי קטנה ובו כז סעיפים:
האב מקדש את בתו שלא לדעתה כל זמן שהיא קטנה וכן כשהיא נערה רשותה בידו וקידושיה לאביה וכן הוא זכאי במציאתה ובמעשה ידיה ובכתובתה אם נתאלמנה או נתגרשה מן האירוסין הוא זכאי בכל עד שתבגר לפיכך מקבל האב קידושי בתו מיום שתלד עד שתבגר ואפילו היתה חרשת או שוטה וקידשה האב הרי היא אשת איש גמורה ואם היתה בת שלש שנים ויום אחד מתקדשת בביאה מדעת אביה פחות מכאן אם מסרה אביה לקידושי ביאה אינה מקודשת: הגה י"א דאין קדושין תופסין בנפל ואם קבל אביו בו קידושין והמקדש קידש אח"כ אחות צריכה גט: (א"ז) The father can marry off his daughter without her knowledge all the time while she is a ketanah[minor below the age of 12]. When she becomes na'arah [a young woman between 12 and 12.5], her option to be married is still in his hands. He also has the right of possession of what she finds or the work of her hands and the price of her Ketubah if she is widowed or divorced. From her engagement, he has the right of possession of everything until she reaches full puberty. Therefore, the father receives all betrothals for his daughter until she reaches maturity. Even if she is deaf or mentally ill and her father marries her off, she is considered a married woman and if she is at least 3 years and a day old, she can be married through s-xual intercourse with the knowledge of her father. Younger than this, if her father passes her to be married through intercourse, she is not considered to be married.
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happyone




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 05 2021, 5:44 pm
IMO shes still a CHILD. she should he saving up all her money for when shes married and has Bills to pay. technically she costs you less now that you're not paying tuition.
it's her opportunity to build a little fund for the future. taking her money , removes all motivation to success and climbing the ladder at her job.

just my opinion . you'll take it or leave it.
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