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What's your parenting style?



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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 5:01 pm
How do you assess your parenting style - do you have high standards for your child(ren) or are you more easy-going and let things go with the flow?

(interestingly enough, my husband asked me to post this question, I have no idea why)
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chocolate moose




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 5:16 pm
Motek wrote:
(interestingly enough, my husband asked me to post this question, I have no idea why)


Really? It soudns like something you have posted in the past.
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Chani




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 6:01 pm
I guess we're a mixture. In certain areas we do have set expectations and the children must toe the line. This includes matters of honesty (no lying, no stealing, etc), safety (no playing with dangerous candles, knives, scissors, electrical outlets, going outside alone for the little ones, going to a friend without asking a parent first for the big boy), conduct in the family (no hitting, no potty language, no use of the expression "shut up" which I completely abhor), and respect for Hashem and yiddishkeit in our speech and actions at all times (you may not like studying for the chumash test, but you absolutely cannot say that you hate chumash, c''v).

On the other hand, we tend to be easygoing about the less important things. Noise, mess, and little boy misadventures are accepted as part of life. This is not to say that we never discipline the children in this area, but certainly we are far more tolerant than about the matters in the above list. Things like bedtimes come to mind - we aim for a certain bedtime and I'm happy if we get there 50% of the time and the other 50% is within a half hour of that. The infamous cereal example: I have no problem asking what they want, but if they want something we don't have or which I don't have time to accommodate then they have to live with it without argument. I guess you could say we're flexible within reason. Works most of the time!
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montrealmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 6:19 pm
We are very disciplinarian (I like to think very yekkish/German) imo. I am a fan of the Montessori school of thought. I encourage co-dependance tor relative independance from an early age. B"H it seems to be working thus far. I will check back in 20 years or so when I can properly evaluate the results of my actions/choices!
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timeout




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 7:04 pm
montreal mommy u say it better than I would I just call us Military style.

It's my way or the highway.
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gonewiththewind




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 7:16 pm
123455

Last edited by gonewiththewind on Thu, Mar 13 2008, 10:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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cassandra




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 7:25 pm
miriamf wrote:
I think you are asking the wrong question, Motek. It is not whether or not you have high standards or go with the flow. More important is the love and more love, showing you believe in them, they are important to you, you like spending time with them, being there for them when they need you...and if you do that, it does not matter as much if you go with the flow or not. though you can never have have rules that are too unbending and make the kid feel not at home in his own house.
I never had an official parenting style or read boks on parenting. But my kids teachers uniformly say that my kids are tops in every way, from their behavior in class, with friends, academically, middos, in creativiity, so I am not a big believer in parenting theories. JUst love them and use your head.


Agreed. I think that's my parenting style too. I hope my kids turn out like yours, iyh.
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Chani




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 7:32 pm
miriamf - Thumbs Up
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 7:41 pm
miriamf wrote:
I think you are asking the wrong question, Motek. It is not whether or not you have high standards or go with the flow.


Ooookaaaay, so my husband's question is wrong.
How about, with love as a given, what is your parenting style ... does that sound better to you?

Quote:
More important is the love and more love, showing you believe in them, they are important to you, you like spending time with them, being there for them when they need you...and if you do that, it does not matter as much if you go with the flow or not. though you can never have have rules that are too unbending and make the kid feel not at home in his own house.


So you're opting not to answer the question?
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 7:52 pm
Well I have only been parenting now for about 2 years, but so far: very chilled out, very positive environment, very loving.
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roza




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 8:33 pm
Our parenting style is Russian style, which is authoritative in it's basis Smile , but we also adapted and integrated the idea of building relationships with children that are based on affection.
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Mar 11 2008, 8:55 pm
I went from one extreme to the other and b'h am finding my place in the middle.

I was first into attachment parenting, limits rather than discipline, as few rules as poss etc...not so structured in terms of a schedule or expectations...

Then my son turned out to be special needs and had some behavioral issues. It was difficult to communicate to him that doing certain things was wrong, because he just couldn't understand. So I then got in the habit of raising my voice and getting very strict. Even giving him a potch on occasion (I now know that the potching and yelling don't work...are even counterproductive, but the structure and discipline does work if it is applied lovingly)

I've now gone to the middle. I try to be loving and attentive. I explain to him there are rules and limits. I'm a big believer in not fighting battles you can't win, but to win that battles that count. If I know I can't get my kid to stop a certain annoying behavior...I will just tell him I don't like it and let it go. It makes me sad to see children get punished just because the parents are annoyed and have had "enough" of banging the spoon on the table or sticking one's tongue out etc...

I also make my sons' learning the first priority. When I am in the middle of something and my son comes up to me and says "I want to read chumash with you" I drop whatever it is and do so immediately. Then I give him a big reward afterward. I think rewards for Torah study in particularly is important. It's sugar you may say...Well that is what a toothbrush is for.

I keep learning all the time. I"m working now on mindfulness. I hate it when my son wants to talk to me, and I am so busy in the kitchen or whatever that I can't even hear him. I try to get the cooking done before he comes home from school...but sometimes it doesn't happen.

Oh well..onward and upward..
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smile




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 12 2008, 7:40 am
I don't know how to describe ours. we are quite easy going. for us one of the most importan thing is that they feel loved. and feel like friends that they can share everything with us. But I am more strict than dh. Our only problem is that we let them be little children instead of teaching them how to do it by themselves. We are working on it.
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Akeres Habayis




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 12 2008, 6:22 pm
hmmmm,I think of how I raised my 20yr old,I had no tolerance for not trying your best,on whatever level that was.ex if she came home with a c on a test,I would ask her how she felt making a c?if she was down about it,I would ask her did she do her best?most of the time she would say no,and then we would brainstorm together on what she could do to do better on the next test.
midots are more important to me than anything else I think,BH she is a great girl bli ayin hara.for the rest of my children I think I will go the same route,midots,awareness of Hashem.
parenting style -open door policy for communication,but when its no its no
I always end every conversation w/the oldest when she didnt like the outcome"there isnt a rulebook to be a great parent,but I'm going to stick w/my decision and when the bills say (her name)your name then we can reevaluate the situation".
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 13 2008, 9:54 pm
My husband and I have opposite parenting styles.
I am the warm loving pick your battles, its not such a big deal, and that mischeif was actually quite cute! type of person. with strict limits though.
and my dh is a strict my way or the highway type. listen b/c I said so. and "why did you make a mess" when kids are just playing, type.
it makes for lots of arguments about parenting, and I think I've gotten him to mellow out quite a lot actually.

why are you (your dh) asking?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 13 2008, 10:02 pm
My parents were like that. It actually made me crave my father's love and attention and take my mother's love for granted, because it was "easy". As an adult I'm beginning to appreciate it more. As a parent, I'm trying to straddle the line between being principled and being easygoing.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 13 2008, 10:07 pm
amother wrote:
My parents were like that. It actually made me crave my father's love and attention and take my mother's love for granted, because it was "easy"..

thats interesting. my parents were the same way. and I also took my mother's love for granted, and wished my father would say I love you.
I didnt realize that I was giving my kids the same parenting styles from both sides till now.
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happymom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 13 2008, 10:14 pm
my style is positive parenting. I treat my children with respect, and realize that they are people just like adults and want to be treated fairly. I try very hard to validate thier feelings, emphaise the positive, and teach them right from wrong. I know my kids arent robots and have a yeitzer hara and yeitzer tov and a mind of thier own so I try and choose my battles very wisely and many things that dont matter I let go. we therefore have very few tantrums bh. I try and only say "no" when it really has to be no, like something dangerous, or unhealthy.... of course tehre are certain rules that must be kept but they are ones that really have to be kept. I try hard to teach my example more then speeches..and not make a big deal about messes and mistakes, since thats what life with kids is full of every day Wink
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