Just got this email: Purim In Our Times Satire

YALT

Fri, Mar 14 2008, 3:42 am

purim in our times satire

I got this from someone....

I can't believe Purim is just around the corner. It seems like only
yesterday that my husband took down the Succah. Oh, wait a second! It
was
yesterday!
I head down to the basement to see what's left over from last Purim.
After
stepping over Lego pieces, dolls, puzzles and other toys, (that's it!
Next
year they all get underwear for Chanukah) I finally reach the kemeral
(that's a little room in the basement where special junk is stored).
As I sort through some of the hamantashen and marzipan, I can't help
but
wonder how things have changed over the years.
Gone are the days when you just sent someone a fruit, or hamantash and
wine
on a plain paper plate, covered with a napkin. Now your shalach manos
has
to
have a theme!
I've gotten a breakfast theme: A mug filled with a small jar of
coffee, a
packet of sugar and some danishes; an Italian theme: A box of
spaghetti,
sauce, wine and cheese. I've gotten a picnic theme: Salami, rolls,
mustard,
ketchup, potato salad and soda in a basket; and a medical theme which
included aspirins, band aids, iodine and Q-tips.
People don't know what to do anymore. They send fish platters, meat
platters
and cheese platters. I've gotten a gumball machine filled with jelly
beans,
and a real percolator filled with ground coffee. One woman even had
the
chutzpah to send me a box of All laundry detergent, and attached was a
bag
of her dirty laundry.
Some women even pay to take a course to learn how to make something
really
special. I once received a plant made of fruit leather and dried
fruit. (No
matter how much I water it, it doesn't grow). If you really rate, you
may
receive a basket from The Orchard or better yet, a sterling silver
dish
filled with all kinds of goodies.
People now send their shalach manos in beautiful boxes, colorful
shopping
bags, magnificent baskets and on stunning "designer" paper plates. And
this
year's new rage - a musical shalach manos that plays LaYehudim when
you
open
it up.
And it's no longer acceptable to just write Simchas Purim on a piece
of
paper and tape it on to the package. Now there are a variety of cards
to
choose from. For those of you who are really talented - you write your
own
poem, like this one I received last year: "Roses are red. Violets are
blue.
You didn't send me. I'm not sending you!"
Gone are the days when you sent shalach manos to a few neighbors on
the
block and a few relatives. Now you send shalach manos to every friend,
acquaintance, relative, co-worker, neighbor, lantzman, doctor, rabbi,
storekeeper and accountant. My friend even gave one to her meter
reader.
"Er
hut eer ungekucked!"
The women stay at home to receive the shalach manos, while the men and
kids
ride around all day from one end of Brooklyn to the other, making
deliveries. And we live in Monsey!
And do you know what a delivery costs these days? Forget a quarter or
fifty
cents. We're talking big bucks! Two dollars and up! My kids earn more
money
an hour than I do.
Speaking of my kids, I'm puzzled. All year they complain how they hate
their
teachers, how unfair they are. But comes Purim - they must bring them
shalach manos. That means another few extra stops with the car. That's
easier said than done. Traffic is backed up for miles, and every
street I
need, is closed altogether to make way for the parade! It becomes one
big
nightmare.
And let's not forget Megillah reading. Gone are the days when you
stamped
your feet and merely turned the grager when Haman's name was read.
Now,
fire
crackers go off, tape recorded laugh tracks play, sirens blare, horns
toot,
guns are fired, crazy string is shpritzed, snappers are thrown, stink
bombs
go off - and all this is done by the fathers!
Gone are the days when, if you wanted to dress up as a bride, you put
your
mother's lace half slip on your head. Now you have thirty-three styles
of
gowns to choose from and thirteen different head pieces, all more
lavish
than the one I wore to my wedding.
Today, kids and adults can buy or rent almost any costume they desire,
from
a rebbe to King Kong. So what if the bill comes to $300 - make the
check
out
to "cash" - your husband will never know the difference.
Let's face it. Even though Purim is a hectic time, it's still a lot of
fun.
The kids have a blast (not to mention some adults). Rabbeim graciously
open
up their homes to their talmidim and the talmidim ungraciously throw
up all
over the carpeting. Families get together for a delicious seudah of
which
hardly anything is eaten because everyone noshed all day. And tzedakah
is
given with an open hand.
For the next four weeks we'll all be busy eating three hundred peanut
chews,
five hundred winkies, one thousand cases worth of Kedem grape juice,
pineapples, challah (of which some can be used as paper weights or
bookmarks), tons and tons of gooey cake vos hut mine Bubba's taam, and
various kinds of flavored hamantashen.
But when all is said and done, you know who really enjoys Purim the
most?
Paskesz, Lieber's and Blooms!
Happy Purim!