I hate my parenting

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:22 pm

Thank you all. Although my throat hurts from yelling this morning and my eyes feel sad and tired, this afternoon found me snuggling with four year old, playing a game with him and chilling with him on the couch. I apologized and I hope I can do better next time.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 2:54 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Here’s part of what scares me.
I dislike my mother. I have no relationship with her. I can’t stand being near her. She was controlling and yelled and hit and never hugged or kissed or played games or gave me any emotional support or helped me with (lack of) friends , she only pressured me with homework and tests and tznius etc.
I’m scared I am turning into her and my kids won’t want a relationship with me.
But the truth is while I need to stop asap I am probably not as bad because I do support my kids emotionally, buy them special treats, play games occasionally, say jokes, hug them, talk and listen to them, and try to support them with their problems in a validating non judge mental way. I don’t force them to do homework or eat specific foods etc.
it’s not as much of a controlling household as mine was. And I don’t hate my husband, I love him- my mother hates and always hated my father.
So is there hope?

I dunno but we could be twins.

amother

Blush

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 3:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

you see? you proved it to yourself!! you are an awsome mother. the key is never. sounds like your mother never cuddled you, played a game or chilled with you...
that's a huge difference. personally, I don't really know anyone that NEVER raised their voice to their kids. is that a goal? sure. but that's perfection.
write down three things every night proving to yourself what an awesome mother you are.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 7:47 pm

I really like all the posts with many recommendations and suggestions to help this overwhelmed mother. As a mother of two boisterous boys I really feel for her. Everyone is very understanding and caring.
I’m sorry to derail this thread but I was just wondering why is it that all the women on here are very compassionate and understanding for this mother but if it was her husband who she was complaining about all of a sudden many of the posts would be in uproar that he was being abusive to the kids, it’s not ok to behave like that, no excuses, and that he must get therapy right away or she should quickly run away with the kids and threaten to divorce him if he won’t go for help asap. I hate to break it to everyone on here that NOBODY in the world is perfect. No mother or father. No husband or wife. As long as people are aware of their flaws and are constantly trying their best, then that’s all that matters.

amother

Daffodil

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 7:54 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

You really don’t see the difference? Between someone who openly says they need help and is asking for help, vs a theoretical someone whose husband presumably doesn’t even think there’s a problem with their own behavior?

amother

Kiwi

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 8:06 pm

Hi OP. I have a 6.5, 4 and 19 mo old. I didn’t have ur experiences growing up. I was blessed with a good mom who “provided” me with tools to do the same. I will say, especially when I’m PMSing- I can sometimes really lose it. When the kids r fighting non stop or making huge messes it can really get to me. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a real handful having 3 dependent kids!

amother

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 2:46 pm

Still hating this.
I hate it hate it hate it. I’m lost and struggling.
How the heck am I supposed to handle big grumpy kids who don’t want to go outside or play with friends, and just end up fighting with each other all afternoon?

Or a kid who teases his brother non stop? Or throws a hard toy, hitting people, three times despite being told to stop?

I’m so lost. I have not found any book or class that can help me. I’m beyond help and I hate this. I’m starting to resent my kids too.

amother

NeonYellow

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 2:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

When you start using positive reinforcement your life will change. Start with a simple star chart. Focus on a few behaviors..I.e. getting dressed, eating breakfast.. Be very specific.. make it pretty easy to get a prize at the beginning like 10 stars..don't make the prizes too big just some cute things like stickers, erasers.. It takes a little effort but it will change your whole life! After you see results you can slowly add more things.. And try to ignore any negative behaviors that you can it's the most effective way to stop them. Once you work with positive you will never turn back. You will be happier and so will your kids. Please try this!!

amother

Banana

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 3:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I could have written the first 2 paragraphs.
I do believe change is possible. Just wish it was faster and I wasn't doing damage in the interim. Here are some things I remind myself constantly: note. Do not mean it as mussar at all. I’m in this place too. Just choosing hope. Compassion on self which will spill over to the kids
https://I.imgur.com/kU9OmJw.jpg

https://I.imgur.com/H3TVjl6.jpg
https://I.imgur.com/xFeccMt.jpg

Eta. Not sure if I figured out how to post pics

amother

Sage

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 3:41 pm

Hugs op! I struggle alot also. Right now I gave myself a time out to breathe and take space. I get down on myself also.
My therapist has repeatedly been working with me on how counterproductive that is.
These are the hard years. Pulled in a million directions. Lack of sleep. Incredible stress. Making a living.
The fact that you read all those parenting books is impressive!
If you can, let things go tonight. Just get by. Give screen time if it helps you get 20 min of chill time. Just cuddle them. Hold them. Smile at them.
Tomorrow is another day. Day by day.

Zehava

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 4:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s that time of year and you’re spiraling. Into the cycle of toxic shame, catastrophizing, abandonment depression, and on and on again.
Take a deep breath. Focus on what you need in this moment, and take it from there.

#BestBubby

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 5:34 pm

Hi, OP.

You have to be PROactive.

That means decide in ADVANCE how you will handle a situation.

Now that you are calm, how do you think you should handle this misbehavior?

If you are not sure, consult a parenting expert.

Also, try to think what you can do to PREVENT misbehavior in the future.

But you have to have REALISTIC expectations.

Kids are tough and misbehave.

You may be able to reduce the amount of misbehavior but you cannot totally eliminate it.