Responsibilities for the chosson and kallah side

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 11:32 am

Chayalle wrote:

I think it depends somewhat on the people involved. I definitely see that the Kallah's side usually pays a proportionally larger share, but I do see instances where the Chassan's side pays something as well.

I recently got a call from someone who had a suggestion for us where the other side wanted to know up front if we were multi-millionaires (with the demands they had, what else could we be?) but I have never heard this before. The caller tried to convince me that "this is the way it is by everyone, standard" but I've run this by multiple people since who have married off daughters in the yeshiva world, and they laughed and said nothing of the sort.

I can tell you that anyone who wants to know that-you don’t want for your children.

amother

Hosta

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 1:26 pm

People are so spoiled.

I live in Lakewood. My husband and I bought everything ourselves, gradually as we can afford it. I assumed that was normal. I mean doesn’t getting married mean that we should be responsible and self-sufficient adults?

amother

Phlox

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 1:46 pm

Well, of you discourage boys from working before marriage, I would expect the parents to pitch in.

If the girls is already working, she can probably help out a bit financially.

Either way, people love to marry their children off young in chareidi communities, so I think they should pay for the wedding and home expenses as the bride and groom are usually not financially independent.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 2:01 pm

If people are willing to start off simply, use their wedding money to set up their apartment, be responsible enough so at least 1 of the couple has a decent job, it is very doable for them to do it without parents needing to buy furniture and pay for cars.
Usually younger couples have the biggest showers and more wedding guests. As the girls get older there are fewer friends around to attend a shower/wedding and give gifts.

I remember the first bridal shower of a friend at age 19, it was huge with tons of individual gifts and several big items as a group gift. It basically set up her entire household goods, from silverware, dishes, pots and pans,all the way to a mixer to a vacuum cleaner plus sundry items.Fast forward to the last one I attended at age 30, where 3 or 4 friends took our friend out to eat at a nice restaurant and gave her 1 gift we had all chipped in for, I don't remember what it was, probably a Kitchen Aide. (And no, I don't think she had tons of savings because she was older. She had started college in her upper 20s to get a better job because she was tired of working at am office job for low wages.)

amother

Brass

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 2:42 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I have a good friend whose son recently got married, and she told me that the Kallah's side asked them to share in the cost of the furniture 50/50. I believe they got 2nd hand. They also split the wedding costs 50/50. (this is not usual)

Definitely unusual but it seems that more people are buying second hand furniture now than they were when I got married 10 years ago. Standards are actually going down ... never thought that would happen ...

amother

Coffee

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 2:46 pm

amother [ Hosta ] wrote:

If kids get married at 19-20 and the boy is straight out of yeshiva, it's not really possible for the couple to set themselves up. But it is common that the kallah does contribute towards wedding expenses. And for many parents, setting up the couple is their way of supporting them. You can be responsible self sufficient adults even if your parents got you furniture and appliances. Every community has their norms.

mommy12

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 2:50 pm

We got stuff from either bridal showers or a Gemach or used furniture stores or we went to the store and bought it. If I was shopping with my mom (my chosson lived in a different city), she usually paid for it.

amother

Linen

Wed, Jul 14 2021, 3:34 pm

My parents bought us beds, the couch from the previous tenant of our apartment, and the washer/dryer that we had to purchase to rent our first apartment (which was subsequently sold to the next tenant when we moved out a year later). DH got a folding table and chairs for us to use, and two bookcases from Amazon. We bought a recliner when we had our first kid (with gift money designated for said recliner) and eventually got an old "real" table for free. We only bought new furniture when DH had been working for a furniture company and got it at cost (and even that was a pretty penny for not amazing quality furniture). BH he still works for the company and still gets what he needs at cost, but we don't take too much advantage of this perk, only what we need).

We had a gift registry and had generous people give us what was on there, not high end stuff at all. But our wedding was large because both sets of parents were well-respected (but not wealthy) members of their communities.

We are impossible to classify, but had some to do with the MO community and some to do with the Yeshivish community.