Should I have been invited to the Siyum

amother

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:11 pm

When I was engaged, my Fil made a big Siyum as he finished Shas.

My parents got invited but I did not.

It made me feel like the little girl again whose parents get a babysitter for while they go to a wedding...

Anyways, I didn't think into it too much at the time, I was wondering why I wasn't invited but I don't like to make a fuss.

But until today, I have a hard time attending their siyums. They do 1 every so often, including the 9 days. I am not attending this evening and Mil is texting me and is upset.

Was it rude not to have invited me to that grand occasion? I live near them so that's not an issue.

I just don't like to be used. Like then, my attendance didn't suit them and now it looks bad if I don't come... I'm not a prop.

amother

Leaf

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:18 pm

You sound really hurt.
Is it possible that it was felt that as a Kallah it was not shayach for you to be there but now that you are a married woman they want to include you? Maybe they were given bad advice or mistakenly thought that what they did was proper. If they invited you parents, they were probably not looking to exclude you and be hurtful. In general people are much happier if they can let go and forgive and let themselves be included and taken in with a hull heart. By distancing yourself, are you helping yourself or really punishing yourself? Only you can answer.

Wishing you peace and happiness.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:24 pm

Your MIL is literally texting you, begging you to come. They want you there so badly that they’re trying to convince you to come. They’re including you and keeping you part of the family.

Carrying a grudge this long over a perceived slight is not a healthy way to behave. You’re an adult now, you’re mature enough to understand that. Look at their behavior now, not their behavior from years ago. That’s a good lesson across the board. No one is perfect, forgiving and forgetting is our goal.

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:26 pm

Unless you come from a family where the minhag is for you not to see your Chassan, and if he was present...it's really weird that they didn't invite you. Especially if they invited your parents, that makes it even weirder.

Have you ever had a conversation with your MIL about this? Maybe there was some reason, and clearing the air could help you move forward.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:34 pm

I think it's a bit of an extreme reaction of you to refuse to go to a siyum now because you weren't invited to a siyum as a kallah. It's so so easy to be dan l'kaf z'chus in this situation. Perhaps she asked around and was told to not invite you? Perhaps she didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable position? Perhaps there was a misunderstanding? Reusing to go to a siyum now and putting a strain on your relationship is extreme and not the most mature thing to do.

amother

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:34 pm

amother [ Leaf ] wrote:

Yes actually I am.

My Mil told my mom at the time that she can't invite me cos Bil who was also engaged at the time couldn't have his kalla there cos she lives OOT.

I didn't receive everything SIL got, so I don't see why there were numerous times, not only this Siyum, that she didn't invite me based on that excuse. Yes it really hurt me, as it was a really grand event, and lots of people came.

But now they are looking for more people, so they need me.

Having a double engagement was hard, but both me and my husband worked on our middos. But sometimes certain memories really trigger me and can't seem to forgive and forget the pain.

All the comparisons made of the two brides and and grooms, all the insensitive comments, the unwanted competition I had to put up with (SIL is very competitive, she even admits it Laugh

)

amother

Wallflower

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:34 pm

It doesn't sound like you 'didn't think much about it' then if you are still carrying it with you and are uncomfortable at every siyum. I think its worth exploring why you are so hurt that you weren't invited then. If you insist you weren't hurt and didn't think much about it and at the same time you say you aren't comfortable going to fils siyumim then you wont get anywhere in resolving it.

You obviously feel hurt. You can either reframe that situation and understand that as an insecure kallah you felt uncared for, but perhaps there's an innocent explanation other posters have suggested. Or you can talk to the part of you that feels so hurt and see why and provide some compassion.

As for the "prop" comment. I would imagine had you been invited as a kallah and not now , then I would use the term prop. How would you be a prop now? Now you are part of the family?

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

)

I'll say it straight out then, that's a really strange reason not to invite your Kallah. I'm sorry they felt the need to make things even-steven for your DH and his brother, and you ended up hurt as a result.

I wonder where the pressure to do this came from, if it had anything to do with their relationship with your BIL and you were the scapegoat.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My Mil told my mom at the time that she can't invite me cos Bil who was also engaged at the time couldn't have his kalla there cos she lives OOT.

I didn't receive everything SIL got, so I don't see why there were numerous times, not only this Siyum, that she didn't invite me based on that excuse. Yes it really hurt me, as it was a really grand event, and lots of people came.

Having a double engagement was hard, but both me and my husband worked on our middos. But sometimes certain memories really trigger me and can't seem to forgive and forget the pain.

All the comparisons made of the two brides and and grooms, all the insensitive comments, the unwanted competition I had to put up with (SIL is very competitive, she even admits it Laugh

)

Hey OP! Whether they would have been engaged then or later, there’s always comparisons. Mostly in your own head. Clearly you’re cataloging all the times someone else got something more than you did. That’s really not healthy. Sometimes different people need different things. Not everything can be equal.

MiL actually gave a valid excuse. It’s easier to invite neither kallah than to invite one. She probably asked and was told it might look bad for someone else, so it was easier to make a blanket rule.

Also, it’s a siyum! It’s not a wedding or a bar mitzvah. It’s someone else’s accomplishment, and they included your family!

Honey, I say this with love, but this is not a them problem. This is a you problem. This is something you need to work on. Believe me, I have my issues with my sister in law and I always think they’re more loved than I am. It took years for me to realize this belief was projection, and not reality. It was mostly in my head. Your in laws obviously care about you very much. Believe that. Work on yourself to believe that.

amother

Wallflower

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

)

I posted at the same time as you posted this, so I hadn't read this.
In light of all this, things are different.

There's obviously some unresolved issues going on between you and your sil . I'm not sure if your in laws or your mil in particular are also part of the problem.

Double engagements don't necessarily have to be hard. The fact that it was so hard for you is obviously something that is carrying over and hasn't been resolved and needs attention.
It isn't only about the the siyum - thats just a situation bringing up all this issues. They need to be attended to.
Until you do the work of learning how to handle your own emotions and the dynamics with your inlaws you need to decide if you can put it aside and do this for your mil.

Right now, you are hurt. Is there a part of you that can address that and say I will tend to you, meanwhile I will act like the mentch and go?
Obviously if there's more "using" or abuse going on, it may be time to use your voice.
As outsiders its hard to know the situation itself including your state.

amother

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 1:53 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

She is not necessarily more loved, and even if she would be, good for her.
I'm her good friend.

It's the fact that they protected their feelings just in case, less they get hurt, but me and DH were expected to be the bigger people, be mevater...

These things happened quite a few times but the Siyum situation somehow brings up the pain.

amother

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 2:10 pm

Chayalle wrote:

It sounds like they really did not know the norms of how to handle relationships with their Kallahs.

I wonder why they thought you and your DH would be the bigger people, but not your BIL and SIL.

Ohhh you don't know my husband!

Such amazing middos, doesn't have a jealous bone in his body and is the king of being happy for others even when he doesn't have exactly that.

amother

Amaranthus

Thu, Jul 15 2021, 3:36 pm

op the real issue behind all this is that as a kallah, we all want/need to feel welcomed and eventually feel to be part of your inlaw new family.

Its hard for you to feel part of dhs family because as a kallah, instead of feeling welcomed into the family, you felt alienated/negativity because they excluded you.

Other posters who tell you to just "move on", clearly dont understand how hurt you were and they surely feel welcome in their inlaw family.

you said similar things happened that continued to make you feel unwelcome and not a part of your inlaws family. so, I definitely agree its like a prop and you are just needed there so they wont be embarressed. I understand you were and are hurt.

I think you should try(not now) talking to your mil to see if shell acknowledge your hurt feelings and try to be more careful in the future. But, if she says "its in the past " or "let it go", then you need to accept this is how shell always be and youll want to learn how to accept this so that the resentment/hurt doesnt eat you up, for your sake. You can keep your distance but dont expect anything to change.

Yes, I definitely understand your hurt/pain, but it seems your inlaws are not going to be "warm, welcoming etc" as you need. They are probably so busy with other things and dont care to take time to think about new ppl added to the family. Especially if they know your dh is fine with anything they do(and im assuming he didnt speak up about your hurt/pain...) they will not take time to think you would be hurt or insulted.

Im sorry for your situation. I can relate unfortunately. My mil also constantly excluded me and only included me when she would be embarrassed. I know she wont change, and I wont go to everything. Its okay to say no as long as dh goes.