Ds is dating non Jews

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:54 pm

Teomima wrote:

I personally don't know any MO that do shidduchim but to each their own.

No matter where he is in his readiness (or lack thereof) for marriage, you should educate your son about BC and STIs and all of that should have happened years ago. So definitely sit down with him and have a talk about that

But also discuss how there's emotions and feelings that grow and develop and it's not totally risk free saying you're just having fun with non-Jewish girls. Accidents happen, bonds develop, and he needs to have the big picture in mind. If, long term, it is important to him to marry Jewish (and for all I know it might not be) then he ought to be aware than he's heading in the wrong direction for than eventuality. I know this might not be the popular opinion, but if he's spending time with non-Jewish women because he wants to do things he thinks Jewish women won't do, well, he's mistaken. I guess my point is he should choose the lesser of the evils. If he's going to have relationships with women, he might as well have them with Jewish women so in case something unexpected happens, be that a bc fail or unexpectedly falling in love, at least he's with someone Jewish.

You are right. He moved recently for a job and I understand he met some bad friends there and it all went down hill from there. I don’t think he specifically wanted to date non Jews. Maybe that’s what was there for him.

vintagebknyc

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 1:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would suggest that instead of taking time to figure out how it happened, you do what you can to see if you can help mitigate the damage.

amother

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 2:08 pm

vintagebknyc wrote:

I would suggest that instead of taking time to figure out how it happened, you do what you can to see if you can help mitigate the damage.

This is the reason for my post. What should I do.

vintagebknyc

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 2:11 pm

Have you talked to him? I'd start there. I'd also make sure he knows about pregnancy prevention and STDs.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 2:19 pm

Teomima wrote:

I personally don't know any MO that do shidduchim but to each their own.

There are definitely MO crowds that go to shaddchans. Not the same shidduch dating, but yes to shaddchans.

motherfrmisrael

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 2:44 pm

Don't just let it pass! This is not the place to say he is an adult bla bla... he ight not realize where this is leading him. There are rabonim who specialize in these matters, I wish I knew names, but the earlier you reach out to them the better.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 3:15 pm

This is a very sensitive situation and requires experienced guidance. I would contact Rabbi Efraim Buchwald, he's an MO rabbi with decades of experience in preventing intermarriage. You can try to get in touch with him by contacting either Lincoln Square Synagogue in Manhattan (go to lss.org for contact info) or the organization he runs called NJOP (go to NJOP.org for contact info).

dancingqueen

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 3:29 pm

He should not be using non Jews for practice, that’s disgusting and disrespectful. Have dh call and have a talk with him ASAP.

naomi2

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 3:34 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

He should not be using non Jews for practice, that’s disgusting and disrespectful. Have dh call and have a talk with him ASAP.

Who said he is using them for practice? He's just casual dating them/ hooking up. That's what these women are looking for too I assume. At a certain point girls realize who is a player and who wants a relationship and they date accordingly. Also calling it disgusting is so unhelpful to op, she came for advice and support obviously she doesn't agree with her son's behavior

amother

Clematis

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 3:35 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

He should not be using non Jews for practice, that’s disgusting and disrespectful. Have dh call and have a talk with him ASAP.

Indeed. Unless they are also just dating him for fun. I don't know if anyone actually dates others 'for practice' these days. That's a relic from a very old fashioned world.

I do hope he treats these women he is dating with respect.

amother

Jasmine

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 3:56 pm

That’s what happened to one of my yeshivish friends - her son became modern, started dating random girls for “fun,” and now is a father (has no relationship with the kid but pays child support, terribly sad situation for the kid and both parents). Of course at the time he thought he knew better than everyone who tried to get him to stop...now he has a lot of regrets.

On the other hand, I once dated a guy (MO) who had dated a non-Jew because he was just terribly lonely and there were no eligible women to date where he lived. When I moved to town he immediately asked me out. It wasn’t that he davka didn’t want to date Jews, just that there was no one local and traveling all the time for disappointing dates had gotten frustrating.

See if you can gently encourage your ds to start connecting with nice Jewish girls on the online dating options (not sure what’s out there nowadays, in my day it was J Date type sites).

amother

Peach

Mon, Jul 12 2021, 4:07 pm

Fly out there and visit him. This needs to be done in person. Tell him what you heard, sit him down and treat him like an adult, and talk it out. Tell him this is devastating. Talk to him about the reasons why you became a BT, and what values in the secular world you didn't want for him, and share the vision of all the good things you wanted for him in the frum world.

Take him out to eat at a nice restaurant. Tell him how much you love him.

Most of all, DAVEN. It happened to my sister, and it's very very sad. But he broke up with her in the end.

banana123

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 7:26 am

vintagebknyc wrote:

Have you talked to him? I'd start there. I'd also make sure he knows about pregnancy prevention and STDs.

And that he may be sued for child support if he gets a girl pregnant and doesn't marry her.

singleagain

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 7:30 am

banana123 wrote:

And that he may be sued for child support if he gets a girl pregnant and doesn't marry her.

My mom once came up with a good equation. This was years ago so the numbers may have changed but .

700 * 12 * 18

As in $700 * 12 months * 18 years of child support.

Sometimes putting it into real amounts helps make it not ambiguous

professor

Mon, Jul 19 2021, 7:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Should I call our Rabbi. Talk to ds?

I would do both.

A rabbi or an askan who can talk to boys about the importance of yiddishkeit, also, talk to him about parshas Balak and Pinchas but don't tell him what to do in his own life if he is past the age to listen to you. You are there for him to love him and guide him with good advice and education.

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