15dd texting inappropriate pics of herself to boys

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:50 am

Op, it sounds like you’re daughter has a pretty open relationship with you. And she wants to stop this behavior, so you are both on the same team. Wouldn’t it be a good idea for you to have a conversation with her about the best ways for her to reach a goal of stopping? If the ideas come from her, she is more likely to implement them.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 12:54 pm

amother [ Mintcream ] wrote:

Right- she will thank you for it later. I’d eliminate all social media laptop unsupervised computer time etc for her own good. 15 may be too young for her to understand the ramifications of her actions. Or she may be unable to control it now depending upon her issues. My heart goes out to both of you.
Hugs and hatzlocha

I hear all of this. But what will fill the void?

amother

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 1:19 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Good advice. Ty

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 1:26 pm

My DD did this at 13. She struggles with Adhd and poor impulse control. It's the absolute worste feeling as a parent. Despite getting the local police involved (these were random strangers on the internet) she couldn't stop herself.
Would you all be shocked to know that we have filters, the computer is in the main family room.
Well where did she meet these creeps? These very innocent looking games! Chess! Cartoon fashion dress up girls! Etc...
Guess what? These monsters hide the chat and its almost impossible to spot it. Check every app, every game anything you allow her to access.
BH my DD sees a good therapist, is on medication for depression and Adhd. The therapist she sees said that since Covid, with kids having so much access to the internet and learning ways to hide things, she has seen dozens of cases.
Op she may be addicted and unable to stop.

If she MUST use the computer for school, use strong filters. Check her history. Do random checks while she is using it.
Op do NOT trust her. You must protect her at all costs.
And we can really just daven after doing our hishdadlus.
Hugs op!!

tp3

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 1:52 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

Yes. I am the only mother I know that doesn't allow any internet games that have chats. And how much they beg me.

amother

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 2:23 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

This is so supportive. Tysm.
She’s working with a therapist. She does not beleive she is addicted to doing this- definitely has poor impulse control ans is a crazy people pleaser (unhealthy)
This happened with two or three guys - all 3 are real guys who were friends of a friend (one brother of a female friend)
All three times it was because the guy pressured her.
She actually doesn’t have those games on her phone. She used to (before this behavior) and I’m well aware of the dangers.
All these guys are from religious homes and in Jewish high schools. It’s not like they are 60 year old perverts.
This last guy it’s been happening with - I texted him from my phone and forced him to block her. (She’s in camp. No phone ) and I had an amazing conversation with him regarding the dangers of doing this. He was so extremely apologetic and promised to get help.
I absolutely intend to get greater control of her Phone post camp. She will have to turn it in every night.
We were trying to trust her after the second time it Happened but now we see we can’t.
I will also talk to the therapist about this last incident. I winder if my daughter told her about it. Thanks for your post.

amother

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 2:25 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

I hear all of this. But what will fill the void?

Yes. That’s what I need!! So far thought of volunteering for ishine. Hired tutors for this coming year. Changing schools

PinkFridge

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 2:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes. That’s what I need!! So far thought of volunteering for ishine. Hired tutors for this coming year. Changing schools

Since she's a minor, can the therapist coach you?

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 2:40 pm

tp3 wrote:

Yes. I am the only mother I know that doesn't allow any internet games that have chats. And how much they beg me.

Crazy thing is there are games that seem like there is no chat! It's really frightening

amother

Celeste

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:47 pm

[quote="amother [ Mintcream ]"]So sorry!
First of all I would take away her phone- responsibilities and privileges- she has shown she cannot use it responsibly[/rquote]

I would hesitate to do this unless you’ve previously discussed that consequence and you’ve discussed it with people who have given you hadracha personally - imho

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:51 pm

I'd disable her phone's camera. disablecamera.com

amother

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:53 pm

amother [ Vanilla ] wrote:

I'd disable her phone's camera. disablecamera.com

Really like this idea. Natural consequence. But I see it’s only for Android. She has an iPhone. Which btw doesn’t even have a browser and literally no apps. But she’s still getting herself into trouble Sad

so sad for her

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 4:05 pm

https://www.techwalla.com/arti.....phone

amother

NeonPink

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 4:12 pm

it may sound unpopular, take away the phone!

if you cant use it responsibly, I am sorry but I will haev to take it away!

get her old fashinioned dumb phone, or use housephone only.

you need to act in a certain way to have some privilages

what does the therapist say?

I know someone who had same issue, and bh a new school w smaller classes saved her! what are are you located in? would new school with caring staff interest you?

Mishmish

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 4:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

so sad for her

On an iPhone, you can disable the camera using Screentime. It also gives you the ability to let her use the camera when you approve of it--like say you're out taking a walk and she wants to take a photo of a flower or whatever. We have our kids' phones set up this way--they send a request to me via the Screentime app for things that they do not have unfettered access to. It works well.

Since she's at camp, maybe when she gets back it can be a natural reset for everyone and you can implement these changes without it feeling as much like punishment--it's really just helping her to set and observe boundaries.

As for activities, it sounds like she could use interactive in-person things like mentioned already, but I wonder if it could also be beneficial to have some things that she can pick up and do as needed, when she's bored, etc. Has she tried drawing or knitting? I know lots of kids who knit. It can be a very regulating activity & gives you something to do with your hands. There are also coloring books for adults that can have quite intricate patterns and lots of specialized markers and colored pencils to use with them.

eta: also wanted to add that our kids' phones get charged downstairs at night. It's not so much "you have to turn your phone in," but more like the phones live downstairs & also there's the benefit of they are all charged in the morning. Helps with sleep also to have them out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 6:17 pm

I'm probably one of the most liberal parents on here, when it comes to social media and computers. Keep that in mind.

When DD was 12, I started letting her have unsupervised computer use when she got a laptop for her birthday. I had drilled into her all the usual internet safety stuff. Sure enough, on those innocent games, there were always lurkers. They start off so normal and innocent, but very, veeeerry slowly they start turning creepy. B'H DD would always come to me and ask if "this was normal", and then she'd block them, ban them, and report them to admin. She loved it because it made her feel empowered.

Still there were some close calls. Enough to really rattle her. She contacted several other girls on a server, and found out that they were all being groomed. They got together, wrote out all their experiences (several girls had been keeping screen shots) and they found out where the guy lived. Then one of the girls gathered all the info and forwarded it to the police in his town, and got him arrested! They were all so proud of themselves for protecting any other innocent girls that might join that server.

OP, your DD needs to be able to communicate, so please get her a kosher phone. If she needs to use the computer, she MUST use it in a common area like the kitchen or living room, where another adult is around. She can never, ever take it into another room and close the door. Not even once.

You are doing all the right things, spending time with her and getting her professional help. Keep pursuing activities that will build her up and keep her occupied. Do as much as you can to facilitate her social life. If she has any friends, help them get together to go out for pizza or a trip to the mall, because she sounds really lonely.

amother

Apple

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 6:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know it’s coming from low self esteem. She has a good life but unfortunately doesn’t do well in school and this past year her self respect went out the window. She keeps promising she won’t do these things anymore and then a guy will ask and she’s an easy target becuase of her fragile state. All posters are going to say - well this is why we don’t let our kids talk to the opposite gender.
But I’m asking the people in the modern orthodox world or anyone open minded enough to answer me honestly - what can I do to build my daughter up that she has enough self respect not to do these things ? Thank you

Filter her devices and monitor everything she does online. Otherwise you could god forbid end up like my friend with a Pregnant teen.

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 6:23 pm

If she can't stop doing it, I wouldn't allow her unsupervised access to any camera, including the camera that some kosherphones have. For the same reason people who suffer from certain eating disorders aren't supposed to have access to bathroom scales, and alcoholics aren't supposed to have access to alcohol.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 6:59 pm

I read a news story once about two teens who were dating, a 15yo and a 17yo. They were texting pictures to each other that were very inappropriate. The parents of the 15yo girl found out somehow, and went to the police.

This backfired very badly. BOTH teens were charged with distributing child p0rnogr@phy, and ended up on the zex offenders list! It was a complete nightmare, and both families had serious consequences. I think the boy had to go live with relatives who didn't have any children at home.

I had DD read the whole article. I told DD that if she did that, not only could she put her male "friend" in legal jeopardy, but that they would come after her, too. That scared the willies out of her.

heidi

Fri, Jul 30 2021, 4:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP, they are not 60 year old perverts but they may be 16 year old perverts.
Your daughter is being molested.
You may think she is an active participant but she is the victim here.
GO TO THE POLICE!!
GIVE THEM CELL PHONE NUMBERS AND WHATEVER OTHER INFORMATION YOU HAVE ABOUT THE PERPETRATORS.
You sound caring, but honestly you also sound like you're blaming the victim, with poor impulse control etc.
Substitute "raped" for "sending inappropriate pictures" - would it matter if she had low self esteem or wanted boys to like her?
Therapy is nice, but you need to be more proactive here.

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