One of my kids is so hard to love....

amother

Moonstone

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:37 pm

OP, I grew up with a sister like you describe and one of my kids has some of these tendencies. You love your kids, but sometimes it is very difficult to like them.

I'd recommend reading the Explosive Child by Ross Greene. You can tackle on unsolved problem at a time. The biggest problem is being able to figure out what is a behavior and what is an actual problem.

I would also try to find something that you can both enjoy. If she likes reading, maybe read some books together? Or bake a cake together based on a recipe from a book or go to a place that was in a book. Find ways to bond with her even if inside you are struggling to enjoy it.

Sparkle

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:48 pm

I have not read through all the replies, just the OP's original post. I can relate to this HUGELY for one of my children who is now over 18. There were years where he was so difficult and created so much chaos in the house that it was truly very difficult to love him.
Something I used to do was to go into his bedroom at night and watch him sleep. I would look at his peaceful face and I would try to connect with him on a neshamah level. I would think about how happy I was when he was born, how sad I would be if he something bad would G-d forbid happen to him, etc. - you get the idea. I would also use the time to daven to Hashem to help him (and me!! LOL) then I would kiss his head (he would never let me kiss him when awake) and then leave.
I can't explain how this helps, but it just did. Nothing dramatic or anything, but it helped.
Hatzlacha. Hard kids are really really hard.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 3:56 pm

Sparkle wrote:

Love You Forever vibes

Success10

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 4:00 pm

Sparkle wrote:

Amazing! I love this.

amother

Midnight

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 4:28 pm

I also bond with people by reading next to them.

It is really comforting, can't explain why. Growing up me and my best friend used to lie on the carpeted floor next to each other and read from the same book, or she'd read a page aloud, then I'd read a page aloud.

ora_43

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 5:08 pm

amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:

Regarding the weight gain, it's either because she's emotionally eating/ bored or she could have a medical condition like food intolerances or thyroid problems.

A mix of plain old puberty, not being very active, and picky eating (linked to sensory stuff, maybe? carbs tend to have a certain texture that a lot of people who are sensitive to texture enjoy more) could also do it.

ora_43

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 5:28 pm

OP, I find that when I'm really upset by a kid's behavior, usually underlying that is the fear "what if it's always like this."

What if she never learns to take her own safety seriously, what if he never learns to share, what if she never starts reading. Basically a fear that if I don't Do Something, my child's life will be bad forever.

But of course it rarely works like that. Even for kids who have serious academic or social issues. Every day is a new day, and every day there's a new chance for a kid to get motivated. Or to find their niche. And it's never too late. Worst case scenario, even if she antagonizes every single person in her school, there are other schools. She's 11, she's going to have a lot more chances to get it right.

I don't mean to minimize. Your dd has some real struggles, and her life probably would be easier if she could do certain things differently. But for you, for now, it's probably best to let all that go. Let yourself feel that anxiety about her future briefly, and then release it, because it's not going to do you any good. Just keep doing what you're doing - loving her, listening to her, being on her team. You're doing a world of good for her even if you can't always see it.

ora_43

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 5:34 pm

Zehava wrote:

She said otherwise in the title

No. She didn't. She said 'hard to love,' not unloved, or undeserving of love.

And it's a common phrase. Generally understood to mean a person who is difficult, even with the people they love and who love them. Eg prickly, or critical, or with mile-high emotional walls. You can make an argument for it not being the nicest way to say that, and I'd tend to agree, but it does not mean a person who isn't loveable, or loved.

amother

Snow

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 7:53 pm

OP I didn’t read thru everything here but I will tell you that I relate on so many levels. My third child put me into therapy because his behaviours are so “unloveable” and it triggered me immensely because growing up I always felt I was unloved by my mom. I remember questioning her - why do you love so and so more then me ? And she always responded with the **** that a mom loves all her children equally etc etc
I guess I believed her and And then I had my third ...
yeah ...
It’s tough. It’s a relationship that please Gd will be the strongest becuase you will work the hardest on.
Hatzlacha

amother

Camellia

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 8:05 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

For us it was neuroinflammation causing the body to go into distress-cave man mode. We took the medical route, addressing inflammation and sources of inflammation such as infections and food sensitivities, and also craniosacral therapy to quiet the vagus nerve. It’s not an easy path, but we got real, lasting results.

Who did you go to for treatment?

amother

Crocus

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 10:18 pm

ora_43 wrote:

It does usually mean unlovable, or at least that the speaker doesn’t really love them.

amother

Camellia

Thu, Jul 29 2021, 11:49 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

A few different practitioners + a ton of research and self treatment

Someone that has a lot of info on this needs to open an organization to help people navigate this road.

amother

Bronze

Fri, Jul 30 2021, 11:02 am

amother [ Camellia ] wrote:

Someone that has a lot of info on this needs to open an organization to help people navigate this road.

YES!!!!!!!

When I see this stuff about neuro inflammation on here, I feel so desperate...it seems like only rich people with tons of time can have access to this healing! Please Hashem, help me heal my children that need it...

amother

Salmon

Fri, Jul 30 2021, 11:15 am

amother [ Camellia ] wrote:

Someone that has a lot of info on this needs to open an organization to help people navigate this road.

That would be amazing!!
Would it help if I posted a list of books that I found extremely helpful? For starters? I feel like getting informed is the first step. Joining groups on FB has also been so so helpful. There’s also an official neuroinflammation thread on imamother, maybe you can post questions there? I can share as much information as I have.