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Forum -> Vacation and Traveling
My family wants to go on vacation and I should be their cook
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amother
Stone


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 3:31 pm
amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:


It took a LONG time for me to accept this fact- years. Once I did, it got better for me. I pack, cook, plan meals, deal with bathroom breaks, manage the little ones. DH plans the activities and goes to minyan, takes pics and makes it fun. I watch the little ones while DH takes the big ones to an activity. We all enjoy the pictures afterward, which is the point of a family trip: creating family memories!

I am responsible for the meals at home too. Who is responsible for the meals in your home?
.


That's nice it works for you. But it doesnt have to be that way.
Personally I have no intention of packing, cooking, watching little ones while dh goes on fun activities and takes pictures.
We manage to share the duties and the fun.

Who is responsible for meals in my home? In general, whoever worked less hours that day out of the house. On Fridays we are both home and both cook for Shabbat. In fact, he likes cooking a lot more than I do.

On vacation we are both on vacation, and even if one of us did the bulk of the cooking at home, there is no reason not to split the work on vacation.
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amother
Bottlebrush


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 3:40 pm
amother [ Stone ] wrote:
That's nice it works for you. But it doesnt have to be that way.
Personally I have no intention of packing, cooking, watching little ones while dh goes on fun activities and takes pictures.
We manage to share the duties and the fun.

Who is responsible for meals in my home? In general, whoever worked less hours that day out of the house. On Fridays we are both home and both cook for Shabbat. In fact, he likes cooking a lot more than I do.

On vacation we are both on vacation, and even if one of us did the bulk of the cooking at home, there is no reason not to split the work on vacation.


Thanks for sharing your experience. It is different than mine and many different viewpoints are helpful to those reading this thread.
It doesn't sound like OP is in an egalitarian marriage. There are ways a woman can accommodate her dh/ family and take care of herself. Step 1 is realizing what is planned is not a vacation. Step 2 is figuring out how to go about this without creating a shalom bayos problem with the dh you're married to, in your culture.
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sub




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 4:02 pm
This are things we have done on family trips
1- disposable grill with franks, burgers buns, chips and pickles for sides,
2- frozen meals
3- meal mart meals
4- find out if there are kosher restaurants and go out for supper
5- find out if there are stores with kosher foods and make shopping for supper part of the trip or a chabad house that has ready meals for ordering
6- scrambled eggs can be made in a ziplock bag in a microwave or boiling water in a pan- if the kids are old enough- they can do this
7- granola bars, gogurt, yogurt bars cereal and milk for breakfast lunch and supper
8- shop for fresh veggies and fruits
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 5:46 pm
amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:
OP, I know I am repeating other posters when I say your family is not going on vacation, but it is very important. Your dh is not planning vacation; he's planning a family trip. Reading your post, I see you have a misconception that it is a vacation for YOU. Sorry, family trips, yom tov, simchas etc. are never a vacation for a mom with small kids.

It took a LONG time for me to accept this fact- years. Once I did, it got better for me. I pack, cook, plan meals, deal with bathroom breaks, manage the little ones. DH plans the activities and goes to minyan, takes pics and makes it fun. I watch the little ones while DH takes the big ones to an activity. We all enjoy the pictures afterward, which is the point of a family trip: creating family memories!

I am responsible for the meals at home too. Who is responsible for the meals in your home?

I always take a half day to myself after a family vacation, yom tov, heavy shabbos with guests, even big family simchas. After I've unpacked, done the laundry and got everyone back on routine. I prefer to take time during the day, when everyone else is already occupied.

I think if you schedule time for your "vacation" alone the week you return from your trip, it will help you keep a positive attitude when creating memories for your kids on a family trip.


If it's a family vacation, then DH and DW should be equally sharing the responsibilities. Planning a trip where someone else does all the work, is not sharing responsibilities. Nor is choosing your preferences of what you want to deal with, and dumping the rest onto your partner considered sharing responsibilities.

All work involved should be discussed and worked out accordingly. If DW doesn't want to be the full time cook on this family experience, then DH either helps out in that area or agrees to sandwiches.

Personally, I would also want to be the one who plans the activities, goes to minyan (get a break from the kids), takes pics and has the fun, than be the one who has to prepare three meals a day, deal with bathroom breaks, do all the packing and unpacking and manage the little ones. I don't think the responsibilities are fairly split in this setup. If it works for you, that's great. But that doesn't mean it can work for everyone else.
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amother
Navyblue


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 6:17 pm
Everyone needs to help. It’s part of the experience. Also during the year.
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amother
Bottlebrush


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 6:58 pm
Take care in presenting how YOU do things as if it's the correct way.

Not all marriages split "work" 50/50 as some posters here suggest. Each relationship and dh and culture is different in its expectations.

"Helping" is also defined differently in different marriages.
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amother
Cyclamen


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 7:23 pm
The easiest thing for me is to bring a slow cooker with slow cooker bags and throw in some frozen food in the morning and have ready hot food when we get back at night.
So for one meal you can have chicken and vegetables. Pre-season the chicken before you freeze and take ready made frozen veggies with you or use baby carrots if that is easier and that makes one meal in the slow cooker.
Then you have frozen pre-made meatballs (uncooked) and a bag of noodles and that makes a second meal in the slowcooker.
For another night, you can make a chili with rice or rice with meat which is simple as well.
You throw out the slow cooker bag when dinner is done and rinse the slow cooker and cleaning is over.
You can bring along instant soup if anyone wants anything else but the slow cooker meals it should be sufficient. Of course, fruit is always another filler as well.

Breakfast could be cereal and milk or oatmeal and bananas.
Lunches is sandwiches.
Keep it simple with very little work or cleaning time.
Enjoy your vacation!
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OOTforlife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 7:37 pm
amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:
Your dh is not planning vacation; he's planning a family trip.

It sounds to me like he's planning a vacation for himself and a family trip for OP. I'd be resentful too, especially if my attempts to reduce my workload were treated as a non-starter by the vacationers.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 9:01 pm
amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:
Take care in presenting how YOU do things as if it's the correct way.

Not all marriages split "work" 50/50 as some posters here suggest. Each relationship and dh and culture is different in its expectations.

"Helping" is also defined differently in different marriages.


50 50 is one thing but why would all the work of the vacation be on the mother in 2021?
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amother
Stone


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 9:56 pm
amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:
Take care in presenting how YOU do things as if it's the correct way.

Not all marriages split "work" 50/50 as some posters here suggest. Each relationship and dh and culture is different in its expectations.

"Helping" is also defined differently in different marriages.


It's true that different cultures or groups do things differently.
However op is a fluent English speaker with internet access. She doesn't live in the backwoods of a 3rd world country, without any options.

She is a modern woman and if she is uncomfortable with the current set up,, she can work to renegotiate it, whether or not they come from a conservative/traditional background. She doesn't need to resign herself to being the cook and maid on vacation just because that's what is usually done in their circles.

It just takes a few unhappy women to break this cycle and create more flexible norms that allow the mother to also enjoy herself on holiday.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 10:01 pm
I told dh for out next vacation I want to order groceries. Easy food. Packed by someone else in boxes. Get frozen pancakes, yogurt, cut fruit, cereal for breakfast. Sesame chicken for supper and pizza bagels for lunch. Order the food. Pack the small appliances and let everyone cook it themselves s.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 10:03 pm
You are entitled to try to make it feel like a vacation for you. If you live somewhere with takeout, can you just buy prepared food and call it a day?
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 10:05 pm
If DH has never cooked a meal before and you do everything in the house I'm not surprised your DH expects the same when you go away.

Do you work at all?
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 10:38 pm
Print out a schedule of your vacation. Mark the days on which you will be in charge of the cooking, and sign up other family members for others days.

Bring a personal food stash and noise-cancelling headphones for yourself in case others don't do their jobs.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 10:47 pm
If you are packing the food you can pack whatever you want. Tell them that if they want to cook or have other food they can buy it, pack it, and cook it. You really don’t owe anyone and you don’t have to go above and beyond if you don’t feel like it.

But this sounds like a larger issue and you should probably deal with this unbalanced dynamic.
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Rappel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 03 2021, 10:53 pm
I agree with you, OP. I wouldn't vacation somewhere where I had to cook and wash dishes -- I want to get out and see the world too. Happy wife, happy vacation.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 04 2021, 4:23 am
amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:
OP, I know I am repeating other posters when I say your family is not going on vacation, but it is very important. Your dh is not planning vacation; he's planning a family trip. Reading your post, I see you have a misconception that it is a vacation for YOU. Sorry, family trips, yom tov, simchas etc. are never a vacation for a mom with small kids.

It took a LONG time for me to accept this fact- years. Once I did, it got better for me. I pack, cook, plan meals, deal with bathroom breaks, manage the little ones. DH plans the activities and goes to minyan, takes pics and makes it fun. I watch the little ones while DH takes the big ones to an activity. We all enjoy the pictures afterward, which is the point of a family trip: creating family memories!

I am responsible for the meals at home too. Who is responsible for the meals in your home?

I always take a half day to myself after a family vacation, yom tov, heavy shabbos with guests, even big family simchas. After I've unpacked, done the laundry and got everyone back on routine. I prefer to take time during the day, when everyone else is already occupied.

I think if you schedule time for your "vacation" alone the week you return from your trip, it will help you keep a positive attitude when creating memories for your kids on a family trip.


She didn’t say she won’t be responsible for meals. She is responsible , and she is making sandwiches. If they don’t like it, let them cook themselves. You also seem to have decided that since your husband plans the trip and makes it fun, her husband will do the same. She has every right to relax as much as her husband. She’s not his slave.
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amother
Daylily


 

Post Wed, Aug 04 2021, 4:42 am
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
50 50 is one thing but why would all the work of the vacation be on the mother in 2021?


Because there are some marriages in which the woman does everything. Mine included. it's annoying and even more annoying on vacation, but that's life. Some men are just like that and you're kind of stuck with it.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Aug 04 2021, 4:49 am
amother [ Daylily ] wrote:
Because there are some marriages in which the woman does everything. Mine included. it's annoying and even more annoying on vacation, but that's life. Some men are just like that and you're kind of stuck with it.


I’ll let you in on a secret you absolutely do not have to put up with it. There are so many ways to change the dynamic
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Wed, Aug 04 2021, 4:50 am
Instead of being resentful I would call a family meeting.
I would stick with this concrete upcoming trip for now and not get into anything larger or philosophical.
I would let them know, dh first privately prior to the meeting, that you are so excited to go on a family bonding trip or whatever you want to call it, hope they are too, and that you want to establish some ground rules prior to going and you want their input. Make sure you and dh are on the same page first.
Then I'd be honest and let them know where you are at. That you are tired and need them to pitch in. Then brainstorm ways to make this happen. Hash out a way that works for you either at the moment or tell them you will take it all under consideration want to give it the thoughtfulness it deserves and get back to them with your plan.
If there is a larger and deeper issue with dh or something then I would let him know privately how you are feeling and that if he cannot meet you partway for whatever the reason it is not going to work for you at this time and you are going to have to bow out. He can go alone with the kids or you can both decide to postpone the trip. Open up the options.
hatzlocha
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