The funkiest 11th grade English paper you'll ever read!

Kiwi13

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 10:54 pm

Behold... my 11th grade English paper based on an Emerson and Thoreau anthology.
To all those tasked with my early education... I don't even know what to say. Hiding

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did when I rediscovered it just now! LOL

***

Nature’s Outlook on Appearances
November 6, 2003 (I was 16 years old)

I have often heard, growing up, that the only reason people put up with babies is that they are so cute. Now, obviously, I know this is meant as a joke or as a phrase tired, frustrated parents use to communicate with each other. However, it was a thought that really got me wondering about appearances. In fact, I have come up with an entire idea of why nature causes people to look a certain way at a certain age.

When a baby is first born, he looks like a prune. The parents obviously do not care what he looks like, since a few seconds earlier he emerged from his mother’s flesh and is quite literally a part of them. This is why nature does not waste good looks on newborn infants. The parents would love him even if he had come out looking like a banana peel. His appearance at this point in no way affects how he is treated.

Over the next few weeks, he begins to cry and scream and keep his parents up during both day and night. Incidentally, this is also the period in which he plumps up, has the softest skin, and the sweetest face imaginable. Coincidence? I think not. This is the period of time referred to in my introduction.

Next comes the time when he develops a smile and those adorable baby curls on his head. He is the perfect size now to be both cuddled and swooped out of harm’s way. If he weren’t so perfectly sized for this age, and also so cute, his parents would go insane trying to tolerate his new habits of drawing on the walls and spilling his drinks and learning profanity. Yes, his looks are often his only redeeming quality.

When he reaches the age of seven or eight, his looks are slightly less cute, and this is okay because by now he has established himself as a unique member of society. He has his own personality, sense of humor, and has learned (hopefully) to follow rules. Soon, however, he will begin to see himself as good looking, or at least try to make himself good looking, as he begins to be interested in dating. The following is true for both boys and girls of this age:

They get zits. And this is evidently not a good time for it, according to those who have them. For the first time, he honestly cares what he looks like, but people, especially those whom he wants to impress, are less than astounded by his beauty. I, however, believe that nature is doing him a favor. His hideousness at this age serves the very significant purpose of protecting him from growing up too fast, which can be disastrous. We can clearly see evidence of this phenomenon by comparing today’s massive teen pregnancy rate with an equally enormous rate of beauty product production. This is what we get when we try to interfere with nature. He should allow himself to be unattractive for a few years; it’s for his own good.

After a short period that seems like an eternity, he turns twenty and suddenly he becomes pretty again. His skin clears up, he stops growing at irregular intervals, and girls start to notice him. This is nature’s way of saying the time has come for him to settle down and make prune-face babies of his very own.

And he does. But this is not where the aging process ends. He stays youthful during the first few years of marriage because it is vital to his very survival. He needs to stay energized to care for his now-cute infant, and to make more. This is known as his “prime,” and it ensures the survival of the human race.

Soon, after he has concluded his child-rearing stage, nature feels it is safe for him to put on a few pounds. His interest in food increases, as do his television-viewing hours. He and his wife can relax about their looks. Once they have made it through raising children together, nature can safely assume they will be as one forever. They once again wither into prunes, because as I have stated earlier, nature does not waste good looks on secure people.

In conclusion, nature controls our appearance in an effort to provide us with the life we need most at that time. Emerson and Thoreau would agree that it is important to remember that beauty is not everything, and in fact, if we are unattractive, it is nature’s most genuine compliment.

ces

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 10:58 pm

That's fantastic! Thanks for the laugh!

Kiwi13

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 10:59 pm

ces wrote:

That's fantastic! Thanks for the laugh!

Sunny Days

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:00 pm

Omg I’m

this is awesome! Pure beauty! Love it LOL

BrisketBoss

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:02 pm

That was amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. I even read it out loud to someone, hope you don't mind but I just couldn't resist!

Rosemarie

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:03 pm

Oh, man! That was AMAZING!! Do you mind if I pass it forward? I know a few people that would love it too!

Tzutzie

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:05 pm

I'm rolling here. The punchline is still the best!
You are absolutely adorable!

Kiwi13

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:06 pm

Totally fine to share. I'm sitting here rereading it like, "Man, I actually turned in this beauty as a high school English paper???" #Guts #MyAcademicsMatchedMyFlamingPurpleyOrangeHair

Kiwi13

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:07 pm

My favorite part is how Emerson and Thoreau were at best an afterthought, when in fact, that was the whole topic of the assignment!!

Hashem_Yaazor

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:17 pm

The most important question: what was the teacher's response?

Cookiegirl

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:18 pm

Loved it! Dare I ask what you got on the paper? (Emerson and Thoreau notwithstanding...actually barely skating them in under the wire). I hope your teacher took originality and humor into consideration...

Edited for typo

Last edited by Cookiegirl on Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:57 pm; edited 1 time in total

Kiwi13

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:31 pm

I wish I had the graded copy!!! Or any memories of her response!!! I mean, listen, I was not her best student and we had our run-ins on other assignments, so I'm guessing by November my work was no longer a shock to her...

4everdiet

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:41 pm

Love this! If you were this original and creative at sixteen, dare I ask what you did with your talents?

Crookshanks

Sun, Aug 15 2021, 11:56 pm

I love!! You are an amazing writer and the writing is so funny!!

Kiwi13

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 12:10 am

4everdiet wrote:

Love this! If you were this original and creative at sixteen, dare I ask what you did with your talents?

Well... I annoyed a LOT of teachers, for starters!

amother

Anemone

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 12:22 am

Thank you for sharing!!
You are a fabulous writer. And it is so true! I was just noticing that I look like garbage and was wondering when this happened and if I need to care. I came to this realization about how heavy and wrinkley I got because now our children and friends children are getting married and I have to wear clothes and makeup to go to the wedding!!!
I am so happy in pajamas, eating ice-cream and watching comedy with DH.

Also, I was just saying to my friend.
They are cute when they are like so you take care of them, they get obnoxious as teens so you are happy to get rid of them and send them off to camp, Sem., and college, and then they turn into Bridzilla and you are thrilled to get them permanently out of you house. I am of course kidding, my friend was lamenting how frustrated she was with her daughter and she plans her wedding.

agreer

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 12:32 am

That essay is hysterical and genius.

You were obviously smart and witty back then, too.

Thank you for sharing!

familyfirst

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 12:46 am

This is actually brilliant and way beyond the abilities of most sixteen year olds.
Wow!!
Now go use those talents for incredible things!