DS5 playing inappropriately with DD3

amother

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 1:38 am

Please only respond if you have a lot of children and parenting experience.

DS5 keeps playing with DD3 in a way that is weirdly s3xual. He has peeked under her dress, had her climb on him (fully clothed), he played baby and pretended to nurse her over her clothes (we live in Israel, so they've seen people nurse, but that game was a new one. I wouldn't include this except that he did it very instinctively, and then seemed guilty when he realized I saw.). Just a few examples. They've been acting very physical, and I don't want my daughter trained that way by my son. Short of constant supervision, I'm not seeing a lot of response from them after all our discussions of privacy and boundaries.

Congruently, he's also very conscious over his privacy. If he's in the bath, he gets very mad if she comes near. He's careful to change alone, and is very conscious if someone is underdressed (no filter at the age of 5, so I hear all about it!).

What is this? And what, oh what, do I do about it? We're no extremists, but we have had general conversations about body safety and boundaries since they were little.

A little context: I'm typing this whe sitting in the room with them, which is unusual, since I don't like to use my phone when I'm with them so I usually step into the next room. They wanted to play "private room" with their toy animals, but once I made it clear that they're playing in my sight range today, they changed the game. This seems... Ominous? Weird? Natural stage? They're my eldest, and I don't know enough about kids to make that call.

amother

Blue

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 2:10 am

Just based on their ages - 5 and 3 - it is absolutely normal, totally natural, and yes, it's a stage. And climbing on each other, especially at that age, isn't necessary zxual. They climb on you, too, don't they?

Also, it happens to be that in your case the big one is DS and the younger one is DD. But you should know that you would likely be posting similar if it was DD5 and DS3, because this is what kids do. It's part of the exploratory stage.

Just let them know that this isn't something we do. Your DS already seems to understand your disapproval of the nursing behavior (do you nurse?), but that doesn't change kids being kids.

This will go away, it is a stage. Just keep your eyes open and make sure both kids know to say "don't touch me" and "don't look at me." (And then come back asking us for help when they start to fight because "he is looking at me eat" and "she is looking at me play.")

amother

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 2:46 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

This will go away, it is a stage. Just keep your eyes open and make sure both kids know to say "don't touch me" and "don't look at me." (And then come back asking us for help when they start to fight because "he is looking at me eat" and "she is looking at me play.")

Thank you. This is comforting. And the bolded definitely happens Smile

They also play nice things, but there is a lot of aggression and tension from DS to DD, aside from the other behaviours. What would you suggest is a good way to treat this as natural/healthy, without turning gentle DD into a Korban? It's a constant battle to keep things balanced, and it's wearing me thin.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 5:09 am

Don't panic right now, but keep your feelers up. Gut instinct is there for a reason.

You can ask DS open ended questions like "Who else do you know who likes to play this game?" Never lead him on, but do pay attention when you hear weird stuff. You're on the right track.

Empower DD to yell "NO!" when she doesn't like something, or she feels her body/privacy is being invaded. Do a lot of role playing with her. You can start out with saying "Do you say no to a bad stranger? Do you say no to a bad morah? Do you say no to a bad relative?" The answer to all of these is a resounding "YES, I am allowed to say no if I someone tries to touch private places."

It is OK to say "NO!" to:

The neighbors
A rabbi
A morah
An uncle
and a brother.

Just because someone has some kind of power or authority, does not take away your voice. YELL!