How do you have a life?

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 8:28 pm

The schedule you describe is the sort of schedule the main breadwinner undertakes in my community. When my husband was commuting 3-4 hours and working 9+ hours, he was not responsible to cook, clean, shop, or do errands, I was (though honestly that was hard to squeeze around my own job of 20-30 hours plus all household responsibilities) because there’s only so much one human can accomplish! Now that my dh no longer commutes, he theoretically can help more (or take a second job in the evening, which is what he did instead.)
By this metric, if you are working 9 hours and commuting 4, you should have few other responsibilities (such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, or basically anything else.) where I live many spouses (often husbands!) take care of all these responsibilities so that the breadwinner can go to work. Of course you’re exhausted!!!!

As other posters have already said, this isn’t a long term solution for you unless
1. Husband or “staff” (cleaning lady, live in, etc etc) take care of ALL the other responsibilities of running a house (In which case you may want to re-examine what you consider quality of life, depending on your personality)
2. This is a relatively short term commitment that will allow you more normal hours and no commute in a year or two

Keep in mind that when you have children imyh most people in your situation need to have those children raised by others (whether nanny or Morah or husband) - Not saying what is better or what is worse, only that you want to make such a choice mindfully and make sure that it jives with what you want out of your life. I say this as someone who made those sort of decisions just being “swept along” by my career without thinking about it, ans believing I was trapped - later I regretted not sitting down and giving the matter serious thought to see if other options were possibly available to me (ie, husband getting better job or working more hours, setting boundaries at work with confidence, getting lower paycheck, etc.)

Hatzlocha.

Whatever you do know that you are investing extraordinary effort THAT MOST PEOPLE DO NOT. No NOT everyone works 9 hours plus 4 hour commute. Few do. I say this because it’s so easy to think “but everyone does this and they handle!” But they DO NOT. One day look around and see how few of your neighbors (male or female even) keep such a schedule.

And the ones who do pay a price. The strain a marriage and sanity takes under such a schedule is enormous and needs a ton of support in other areas (whether financial - ie you make so much you can afford help to allay stress- or therapeutic, which means $$$$ for therapy…. Or health, or weight, or relationship. There is always a price.)

Don’t take yourself for granted!!!

amother

Teal

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 8:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just started working full time. Where I live that’s 9 hours a day. My job is also a 1:30/2 hour commute each way.

I also need to sleep 9 hours for me to be a sane person.

Doing this calculation this allows me to have 2-3 hours a day to spend with my husband, meet friends, and do housework.

And for those 2-3 hours I’m so tired and exhausted I don’t want to leave my bed.

How does anyone work in hitech and have a life or kids? I mean I don’t even have kids yet and this is so draining and exhausting.

Dh should be doing most of the housework with your schedule.