WWYD - screaming child

amother

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 8:26 am

WWYD? Dc3 wakes up basically same time as dc1 and dc0. Dc3 has a habbit of screaming when they dont get what they want and I am trying to break that cycle. To be fair I also had a habbit of yelling that I am breaking. Dc3 want me to go down stairs with them, but not ready to go downstairs when I am and dc1 and dc0 are hungry. I go downstair with both babies in arms and leave dc3 upstairs. Dc3 screams and demands that I come upstairs to walk with dc3 downstairs. Due to the screaming and fit nature of the situation I ignored it and fed my other kids. When dc3 finally came down I tried to give dc3 a drink dc3 wanted . Dc3 didnt take it at first so I put the cup down then dc3 screamed and demanded I hand dc3 the cup instead of just picking it up for themselves. I reminded dc3 to use her big voice both verbally and with visual signs. After a while dc3 asked me to give the cup and I handed it to dc3 and suggested dc3 sit on my lap.

Where did I go wrong, where could I improve.

amother

Oleander

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 8:41 am

Why do you think you did something wrong?

It sounded like you put up appropriate teaching moments/boundaries around the screaming.

Just because the child is still trying to keep the same dynamic doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

People will push back when the dynamic is changed---sometimes harder than originally.

So the screaming might get louder before it stops, but eventually if it doesn't produce the desired result(s), it will stop.

imasinger

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 8:41 am

First of all, lots of sympathy. 3 under 4 is a very tough stage, and it's normal to get overwhelmed at times.

Some tips and tricks that might help:

- Make a plan with DD at bedtime. "Tomorrow, when you wake up, are you going to want to come downstairs with me and siblings? Remember, you will have to be ready when I take them! I'll give you a reminder to get ready quickly, and it will be your choice whether you do that, or come down a little later by yourself."

- Pay tons of positive attention to DD whenever she's cooperative ("I love how you stayed calm and used your words, I'm so proud of you!"), and ignore her when she screams. If you can catch her between breaths, you can say, "I'll work this out with you when you're not screaming.". Then, ignore again until she's quiet.

- When you do talk to her, validate her feelings, and help her problem solve. "I know you don't like being upstairs alone, that's hard for you". "It's not easy to get going in the mornings". "Everyone feels grumpy and frustrated sometimes. Here are some things you can do that help more than screaming..."

- Offer some structure. A picture chart of things she needs to do in the morning, so you can point to the steps that need to happen for her to get what she wants. You can consider a sticker chart with rewards for expressing herself in a quiet voice, too.

- Make sure you give attention to what she says right away, so she doesn't feel like she'll need to scream to be listened to.

- Have incentives ready. "If you do ____ quickly and quietly, you can _____."

- When you catch yourself raising your voice, let her in on your work. "Oops, I forgot the quiet voices rule! I'm going to try again."

Hugs and hatzlacha!

amother

Marigold

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 10:59 am

From just your description it looks like DC3 is trying to get extra attention from you!
3yr old is not very old but because he has 2 siblings after him so you expect him to somehow be a little more independent in the morning.
I don't think you're doing things wrong but he's resenting the fact that you're not available whenever he wants you to, and screams to let you know about it!!!
Make sure to give your 3yr old undivided attention at different time during the day and tell him you're so lucky he's so big so you can do big kid stuff only with him.
Rewards good behavior.

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:05 am

OP, please remember that your 3 year old is still a baby and is trying to show you that! You can't expect her to behave mature and big just because she's the oldest of 3. That's not fair to her. You have 3 babies, not 2. She's behaving age appropriate. Please don't forget that she's a baby as well and treat her like her age and don't expect her to behave like a mature big girl. You went downstairs with the other 2 and she wants you to go with her as well. Doesn't seem unreasonable to me. She's probably yelling because she feels like she's not getting enough attention.