My child lies alot

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

My child lies alot

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amother

Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:13 pm

Recently I've become aware that my 5yo dd lies a lot. With a perfectly straight face.

Of course we've discussed it and I explained to her that lying is an aveira. But I feel like this is a serious chinuch issue and I'd like some perspective on why she does this and what I can do to help her learn to be truthful.

trixx

Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:13 pm

It's not a chinuch issue, it's still perfectly developmentally normal and it doesn't mean she will become a psychopath when she grows up.

amother

Blonde

Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:14 pm

Following! My 6 and 5 yr old dds so same! I don’t know what to do!

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:26 pm

Can be normal (they don’t know a difference between imagination and other stuff) or can be a sign of pandas

amother

Goldenrod

Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:28 pm

What does she lie about? Maybe she is trying to tell you something but she is embarrassed to. Like about a fear? Or maybe she is afraid of punishment?

amother

Blonde

Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:47 pm

amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:

What does she lie about? Maybe she is trying to tell you something but she is embarrassed to. Like about a fear? Or maybe she is afraid of punishment?

Not op, but mine lies about random things for no purpose. Not things that would cause a punishment nor to be afraid of my reaction.
I get confused when she lies since I can’t understand what she gains from it sometimes

amother

Mintgreen

Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:51 pm

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

Can be normal (they don’t know a difference between imagination and other stuff) or can be a sign of pandas

Yes, With my kids it’s a pandas compulsion. The fact that they had nothing to gain was the tip off.

amother

Watermelon

Sun, Aug 29 2021, 12:00 am

I'm explaining to my 5 year old that when he lies it causes me not to believe what he says in the future. There have been a few times that he has been telling the truth but I honestly did not know if he was or not because he has "lied" about similar things in the past. I pointed that out to him and he was really frustrated that I wasn't believing him. He understood the reason why not and he said he wouldn't lie about that again- and as far as I can tell he's been more honest lately.

For my child I think it's a mix of him testing to see what happens when he lies, sometimes he does it because he doesn't understand the difference between a joke and a lie, to get out of getting in trouble or having to do something he doesn't want to do, and because he sees other kids doing it.

amother

White

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 12:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's not a lie. She is telling you what she wishes were true and at that age what I WANT to be true is the same as what IS objectively true.

Apparently that stage extends until age 6-7.

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 12:25 pm

My MIL A"H was a pre-1-A teacher for many years. She told me that lying in the preschool stage is VERY normal. Like White amother said -she's telling you her wishes. I don't think it's such a serious chinuch issue at age 5.

I do think it's important to strive for a non-threatening environment so that kids feel safe telling the truth. Beyond that, just pray for your child to outgrow that habit, and do your best. Try to teach her about Emes. I like the book Eli and the Little White Lie (hope I got that title right, it's been a while since I was reading that one to my girls) about teaching kids that a lie tends to grow out of proportion. Worth owning.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 12:36 pm

I never used the word "lie" at that age. I would ask "Are you telling stories, or did this really happen?" If you're sure they're telling you a whopper, ask them "What do you think the morah will say if I ask her what Shani did?" If your child knows that you will fact check, they will be less likely to embroider the stories so much.

You will still have to help them separate fact from "story" pretty often, up until around 7 years old. What is obvious to us is confusing to kids. I was watching an animated movie that had fairly realistic characters. DD looked at me and said "Are those real people, or are they cartoons?" Other times she'll ask "Did that really happen, or is this just a show?"

I like to watch a mix of educational documentaries, historical fiction, and stuff in between. No wonder she had trouble sorting things out!

As she got older, she found it very fun to see how much of a story she could get me to swallow before I became suspicious. She'd keep just enough of a kernel of truth, and make the story so elaborate and convincing - I swear it was an art form in itself!

I explained to her that it was not nice to trick people, and when you are not telling the truth you are using tricky words. I told her that she would not like it if someone tricked her and said things to her that were not true. That helped her understand much better.

In school, she always scored two standard deviations above her peers in speech and language.

As she got older, her teachers all told me that she has a bright future as a YA fiction writer! LOL

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 12:38 pm

Another thing you can do, is if you can get your child to admit that they are telling stories, you can say "Wow, what a fun story! Let's write this down." Have your child repeat the story, while you type it up. Make a book of their stories.

This will prove to be hysterical later on. (It could also be great blackmail material. Wink

)

ShishKabob

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 1:10 pm

That's exactly why at that stage a mother told the teacher, I won't believe everything my daughter says about you, if you don't believe everything she says about me. It's said in jest, but I guess there is truth to it.

behappy2

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 1:25 pm

Age apropriate. I dont call it a lie. It induces unneccassary guilt in my exposure.

amother

Valerian

Mon, Aug 30 2021, 5:19 pm

Here's a question for you all- ds is 7. He has a friend who is constantly making up stories. For the last couple of years he's been coming home and saying things about this kid and his family that are clearly made up. Sometimes it's harmless, like when he said his cousin's hat rolled into the street and all the way to the next city and he chased it the whole way until a bus ran over it. But sometimes it's slightly less harmless, like the other day when he claimed a terrorist was in his backyard and his father hit him with a broom and he fell over. I told my son that this child makes things up, and if he says something like this he shouldn't believe him and he could always check with his father of me if something sounds fishy. Is that okay to say? Anything else to do about it? I'm worried that as they get older it might get into more problematic subject matter. But if you're all saying until 6-7 is normal, maybe it's really fine? He's a very sweet boy and a good friend of my son- very imaginative (clearly!) and they have a lot of fun playing together.

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