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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Yom Tov Plans



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 02 2021, 4:18 pm
Have you ever changed your plans for yom tov due to your child and where they were holding at the time? I feel like my child is in a very delicate place right now and I'm so nervous to make it worse by going away and basically forcing him to spend all yom tov with lots of other children around. I would rather stay home and make yom tov and keep him in his stable environment. DH thinks we can't let his issues control us or we will never have a life. He would rather go to family and deal with it. Yes we will have to learn to deal with it eventually but this is a new diagnosis and we are still working our way through. Would love to hear your experiences and whether you would recommend or not.
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amother
Wallflower


 

Post Thu, Sep 02 2021, 5:11 pm
Is it you who doesn’t want or your kid? Both are legit, but just wondering because it would make a difference to how I would approach it. To answer your question I’m very short, yes, we sometimes plan things based on our children’s temperament and ability, we sometimes have to avoid spending time with extended family because it brings out the worst in our child. But for us, it’s about me not having the energy to deal with it. My child doesn’t have the self awareness and always wants to go. So it just depends on whether I myself am up for it.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Thu, Sep 02 2021, 5:20 pm
I'm with you, OP. I make plans according to my kids' needs and according to the stress I would feel dealing with those needs. Dh believes we can't let those needs take us over. I feel like this is who we are now.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 02 2021, 5:20 pm
amother [ Wallflower ] wrote:
Is it you who doesn’t want or your kid? Both are legit, but just wondering because it would make a difference to how I would approach it. To answer your question I’m very short, yes, we sometimes plan things based on our children’s temperament and ability, we sometimes have to avoid spending time with extended family because it brings out the worst in our child. But for us, it’s about me not having the energy to deal with it. My child doesn’t have the self awareness and always wants to go. So it just depends on whether I myself am up for it.


It is 100% about me. My child is not that aware and his behavior won't change if we stay or go. It just takes all my energy to deal with him at home on a good day and I know I will not be able to do it properly in a public setting on zero sleep for an extended period of time.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Sep 02 2021, 5:23 pm
amother [ Navy ] wrote:
I'm with you, OP. I make plans according to my kids' needs and according to the stress I would feel dealing with those needs. Dh believes we can't let those needs take us over. I feel like this is who we are now.


So DH is nervous if I stay home this yom tov I will never go anywhere again. I'm really hopeful that by pesach we will be in a much better place (we are still at the beginning of our journey and learning so much each day) and I will be able to spend extended time with family again. But maybe he is right and this is the end of our social life Crying
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Sep 02 2021, 5:27 pm
Covid pesach we were forced to stay home ourselves and I was so down about it. I was beside myself. But it ended up being a much better experience. I was so used to having to deal with my child out of his environment when too much was expected socially of him that I'd don't realize that really noone was enjoying the experience. Tell your husband that although you want to try staying home and seeing how it goes. You are not closing the door on going away. You will continue to be open to going away and reevaluating when each time tov approaches
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amother
Wallflower


 

Post Thu, Sep 02 2021, 6:19 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It is 100% about me. My child is not that aware and his behavior won't change if we stay or go. It just takes all my energy to deal with him at home on a good day and I know I will not be able to do it properly in a public setting on zero sleep for an extended period of time.
If I know I will lose it, I put my foot down and stay home. Tell your husband this isn’t forever, it’s 1 yom Tov at a time. Validate his disappointment. Alternately, is he capable of doing the lions share of the parenting duty? Would he commit to that? I hate to Cast doubts on people’s motives but I would guess this is less about your husbands worry about letting this “control your life” and more about him simply wanting to go wherever it is. Well, kids come first and unless he’s willing and able to shoulder the burden in a mature and controlled way, I would be assertive. Alternately, are there any accommodations, plans, deals, etc you could put in place that would make it easier for you to go? Like if you get a nap, switch off parenting duty, etc etc?
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