How to teach children to

amother

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 9:49 am

How do you teach children to respect their parents?

I’m asking as the child, not as the parent. On RH, my mom said she failed to teach her kids to respect her and my dad because we do disrespectful things and we’re ungrateful.

So she asked how should parents teach respect.

My initial thought was if you respect your children as people, and not as things to do your will, then they’ll most likely respect you back. But I wasn’t going to say that. I told her she should ask the people she thought did a good job teaching their children that…

But I’d like to hear from you imas what your thoughts are. How does one teach their child to respect their parents?

keym

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 9:55 am

A few thoughts.

1) what does respect actually mean to you and to her? Because it really doesn't mean to become a doormat and check your own opinions at the door.
2) I agree with you. Showing the child respect will get respect back. When I say showing a child respect, I mean respect their autonomy, their privacy, respect that they have feelings and wants and desires. Listen to their thoughts and try to incorporate.
3) when a child is raised seeing husband respecting wife and wife respecting husband, it creates an environment of respect in general.

amother

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:04 am

I must say my parents really do have shalom bayis to admire. They love and respect each other deeply, and I saw this my entire life.

However, their attitude toward their children is that it’s their job to make us into certain types of people. They think they’re responsible for every choice we make and it’s a reflection of their parenting.

And in general, they do not respect that we are individuals with free will and opinions that differ from theirs.

They treat us with less respect if we’re less religious…more respect if we do things which they approve.

So that is inherently not respecting us. They value our actions, not us as humans. It’s a deep flaw.

But then they wonder why we don’t show ultimate respect for them. Well, it’s a 2 way street here…

But my mom will also appreciate an answer as to how it can be achieved.

amother

Purple

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:08 am

Parents don't need to respect children who don't do as they say. They are parents and their children are children.
Sigh.

amother

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:10 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

Parents don't need to respect children who don't do as they say. They are parents and their children are children.
Sigh.

So children are only worthy of respect when they do as their parents say?

amother

Purple

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:15 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So children are only worthy of respect when they do as their parents say?

They get basic respect for being a tzelem elokim like any stranger but not special respect, even when they do as parents say.
There is no mitzvah to respect children, yes to respect parents.

amother

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:25 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

They get basic respect for being a tzelem elokim like any stranger but not special respect, even when they do as parents say.
There is no mitzvah to respect children, yes to respect parents.

Can you explain what “special respect” is?

amother

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:27 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

They get basic respect for being a tzelem elokim like any stranger but not special respect, even when they do as parents say.
There is no mitzvah to respect children, yes to respect parents.

There is a mitzva to respect every Jew.
Also, many things we do as parents aren’t necessarily a mitzva, but we do them because they’re proper, or they’ll yield results we want.

So please tell me how you ingrain in your children to respect you while you don’t respect them.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:40 am

I think that when parents act respectable, it makes a big difference. If a parent walks around the house not dressed appropriately or acts disrespectful or rude (cursing, burping, or acting stupid or silly ) the children will not respect them as much. Also, the parent should make a point not to tolerate disrespect from the children. For example, the child ignores the parent, call the child out on it from a young age. I also find that parents who try to be best buddies with their kids and treat them as friends instead of being a parent to them get less respect.

Set up appropriate boundaries like knocking before entering a parents room, not sitting in a parents seat, not eating a parents food or touching their belongings , asking permission before doing certain things will bring more respect.

Zehava

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:53 am

You’re right. Respect can’t be demanded it has to be earned.
There are two different types of respect. Respect for someone as a human being, and respect for someone as an authority.
The problem is when parents like these conflate the two and say “if you don’t respect me as an authority I won’t respect you as a human being.
Every child deserves basic respect for being a human being with their own thoughts, feelings, and opinions.
Your parents didn’t earn that respect.
But your mother will never accept that answer so save your breath.

amother

Purple

Thu, Sep 09 2021, 10:54 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Can you explain what “special respect” is?

Kibud and yira as defined by the Torah. Standing up, not sitting in chair, etc.